Straight Truth: Cosmo is Clueless

Pardon the interruption, Gay Guy. But I have an important message for some of our readers...

Hello, Straight Gals,

So, the October Cosmopolitan magazine includes a feature on "Fun Little Tricks Guys Love." These include helpful hints on shuffling cards, etc. But as you can see from the scan above, the headlinder tip is to "Use Your Thong as a Hair Tie."

You read that correctly. Cosmo is now advising that you wear your unfresh skivvies on your head. Their thinking is that when "things get hot and heavy" you might not have time to grab a hair clip or whatever, so why not just MacGyver a solution based on the materials at hand?

Ummm. No.

Look, there might be some woman, somewhere, with beautiful hair, great taste in undergarments, and just the right amount of sass to get away with this... once. But why risk it? Why start down the path that can only lead to some poor woman thinking she's superfine because she's twisted her granny panties into a sweatband? Not hot. Not heavy.

There's a time and a place for ingenuity, but if your panties look good while doing their intended job, that's all we can ask of them. You don't want men to start experimenting with their unwashed BVDs and boxers now, do you?

--Straight Guy

9 comments:

Kathryn said...

(Sputters...half laugh/half bark)
In what alternate universe would this be an acceptable hair accessory? And even more unsettling: who thought of this in the first place? A guy? A gal? I don't know which would bother me more.
Ew, ew and ew. Panties have no place on someone's head. It wasn't okay when you were in Daytona on spring break and it's not okay now.
Hilarious post, though....

Michael Rivers said...

I'd have to agree with you. Not a good look. If you don't want your hair falling in your face when you are having a hot and wild time--cut your hair shorter. Or maybe take a moment to find something else to tie it back. Dental floss? Shoe string? Unused condom? Sock?

Anonymous said...

you'd have to be super sexy to begin with in order to pull it off, but for most of us, gross.

Straight in Upstate said...

Fact check: I can't read the little tiny text balloon. Do they specifically tell you (okay, not YOU) to use unwashed skivvies? As in the whole MacGyver sex thing? Or get a fresh pair? Most of the women I know are waaaay too particular about their hair to be wrappin' it up in used panties. And based on lack of substance of average thong, it there even enough material to tie back a bald man's combover?

Straight Guy said...

Thanks, Upstate... found the text: "if things are getting hot and heavy, stopping the action to go search for a ponytail holder will kill the mood. Instead, grab - or take off - your underwear. Simply fold the crotch up so that the thong forms an open circle, twist your hair into a low pony or bun and use your panties like an elastic band to secure your locks."

The Expatresse said...

HE can hold your hair for you. I'm assuming the woman's hands are otherwise occupied.

Isis said...

Whoa. Someone at Cosmo has a twisted sense of humour...and a cracked out editor. The fact that that made it into a magazine is another sign the end is near. Human civilization is doomed!!!

Gay Guy said...

Eww . . .ick . . . and just plain don't. The vast majority of sexual, shall we say . .. congress, between people involves touching body parts. Touching hair is very romantic. But I am not touching anyone's hair with self-advertised dirty anything in it. It's gross, I'd never look at my hands in the same way. It's a turn off, not turn on.

A gay guy acquaintance had long hair. It actually looked great on him. Guys that he was making out or more with found the long and flowing locks to be a turn on, and asked him to keep it down. He just found it something that got in his mouth. Occupational hazard, I suppose.

I have no idea if he kept an emergency scrunchy in his pocket, but I suspect he did.

another gay gay said...

Gross.

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