Indiana Jones and the Temple of Metro Smoothness

Gay Guy,

Thanks for the update. I noticed the new goatee. I let my whiskers grow from time to time, too. Yours is much more precise, probably because yours was a decisive act and mine are side effects of laziness.

As far as razors go, I am fine with my 3-blader. Even that seems indulgent to me, so I can't understand the need for 4 or 5 blades. (NSFW humor from the Onion here.)

I don't get the manscaping phenomenon. I don't do much except try to preserve a half inch of skin between my eyebrows. Apparently my Cro Magnon gene was recently reactivated. No matter how many of those unibrow follicles I kill, they just keep coming back. I may have to try something more drastic in the future.

But, beyond manscaping, is something that scares the life out of me... the "boyzilian." (Look it up if you must.) My hat is off to those of you who can muster the courage and self-confidence to go through with this. Personally I can't get to the stage where I enlist the help of professionals to beautify my junk. And if I ever did, I might have to look for a service similar to "sleeping dentistry" where they knock you out no matter what the procedure. Wake me up when it's over, Helga.

I'll leave you with Harrison Ford using body waxing as a metaphor for deforestation. He's not talking specifically about the Brazilian Rainforest, so don't get your hopes up, GG.

--Straight Guy

In the Zone?

Straight Guy,

I've been growing a goatee for a week or so. I've clipping it back to stubble with scissors, but it's time for a razor.

Do you have any idea how many kinds of razors there are? There was a 5-foot-wide, 6-foot-tall shelf span of razors in my Target. More than half of them for, shall we say, 'specialty work.' Goatees and beards and ear hair are the least of it. There are lots of below-the-chin manscaping tools out there. Tools for below-the-belt manscaping work, too.

Not our fathers' triple-headed razors, my friend.

I guess I'd never really thought out exactly how a smooth chest gets laid bare. And, I don't expect to have any first-hand knowledge any time soon. More on this later? Do you have any thoughts on manscaping, Straight Guy?

Here's my favorite part of the story. The box proclaims,"Trim & Shave All Bodyzones." What is a 'Bodyzone?' I know what a 'body part' is, but a body zone? Is it bigger or smaller than a part?

You know how they board planes. Sometimes it's "Now boarding aisles 15 through 22." Sometimes it's by zones. "Now boarding, zones 1 and 2..... Now boarding all zones."

Ah, yes. Now boarding all zones.

--Gay Guy

Hair Piece

Hey, Straight Guy,

I went to see Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian over the weekend. It was okay, but nothing special. Except for Prince Caspian. Or at least his hair. It is amazing. Full, long, and with a distinct lack of mobility. It's a weird cross of Jackie Kennedy, the Camelot years, and Fisher Price Play School snap-on hair.

I love the ode from the Washington Post.

--Gay Guy

Get Me to the Church in Time

Hey, Straight Guy,

We've not ventured into politics on the blog, but I'd feel remiss if I didn't give a shout out on yesterday's California Supreme Court ruling that California's gays have a constitutional right to marry; the ruling strikes down state laws that forbade gay marriage. Read the California Supreme Court ruling and listen to oral arguments. Read representative coverage from San Francisco Chronicle and the New York Times.

The ruling is probably more proof why the less-liberal branch of my family is certain that California is a foreign country, not a state.

I am thrilled about the ruling because everyone should have the right to marry. I couldn't say it more concisely than the majority opinion: Marriage is a "'basic right for all Californians whether gay or heterosexual, and to same-sex couples as well as to opposite sex couples."

As the potential for marriage for everyone has grown over the past few years, it's inspired a raft of comic material about marriage in general. None of it makes marriage sound fun. Sample gab from Roseanne Barr, courtesy of Out magazine: "Are you sure you want the right to marry? Haven't you suffered enough? " I suppose that expecting Roseanne to lead a cheer for domestic bliss might have been a bit much to hope for.

Here's a bit on gay marriage from Wanda Sykes that never fails to make me roar.

[NSFW alert from Straight Guy... NSFW = not safe for work. You go, Wanda!]

What's so bad about being married? Always an usher, never a groom here but the companionship, guaranteed office-party date, emergency contact number looks pretty sweet to me.

Hold off on the wedding presents for now. Opponents to wedding cakes capped by two grooms were ready to go even before the ruling. A conservative coalition presented a petition with more than one million signatures to put a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage on the November ballot.

--Gay Guy

Mr. Piggy is a Diva, Too

The Jim Henson company has a sub-brand called Henson Alternative. Here's a pilot for a new show called "Tinseltown." It's similar to "Curb Your Enthusiasm" in style, but features two gay animal puppets and their Hollywood misadventures. Brian Henson (Jim's son, now president of Henson Inc.) is one of the lead performers.

I just thought I'd bring this up because I am a life-long Muppet fan, raised in the first "Sesame Street" generation. I know that the Ernie/Bert relationship was lampooned in "Avenue Q" as an unrequited gay love affair and that Miss Piggy has long been a gay icon for her drag queen fabulousness. I would have given Bobby and Samson (photo above) a fair chance at success if only the show had been.... funny. But, that's been a problem with so many current Muppet projects.

GG, as a member of the target audience, please let me know if this just went over my head.

Here's a link to the streaming video.

--Straight Guy

Man-oh-wrecks it?

Straight Guy,

Went to see 'Baby Mama' last evening. That fact alone may break up our friendship.

Anyway, the movie is exactly what you think/dread it will be: more long than funny, with endless stretches of predictability laced with an occasional hilarious 30 seconds. It was better than spending Friday night with my thumb on the remote, I guess.

There is a short scene in which the Fey and Poehler characters
participate in a support group with the others in the surrogate parent program, plus the pregnant surrogate moms. It's the standard, "Thank you for sharing," Styrofoam-coffee-cup-AA meeting stuff.

There's gay couple in the group.
Even before one of them refers to the other as his 'gaysexual partner,' we are meant to understand they are a gay couple since they are two men together, one of whom is having a limp-wristed, weepy, over-the-top, mini-breakdown, complete with hair gel... lots of hair gel. Oh, those subtle semiotic cues.

Anyway, Hair Gel admits that he's "manorexic," and he's deathly afraid that his child will be born fat (oh, and the boyfriend is a butterball). It didn't wreck the movie for me. The line manages to not be offensive, it's redeemed by being truly hilarious: he seems genuinely unclear whether the woman carrying his child is extraordinarily pregnant or morbidly obese. Now, that is funny! Right?

Want to grab Iron Man and a beer after work this week?

--Gay Guy

The Straight Minority Report

Gay Guy,

I don't know how this happened. New research shows that gays and lesbians are out-blogging straights by huge numbers. The data from the Harris survey
states that 51% of gays and lesbians are active in the blogosphere while only 36% of straights are.

Other surveys indicate that gays have more disposable income and discretionary time than straights. I assume that this this leads to more computer access and time to surf the web. I can't be because you are more opinionated than we are, can it? Interestingly the data also indicates that you are more responsive to web advertising, too.

Here's a quote from the Cyberia Blog at the Globe and Mail:
It wouldn't have occurred to me to divide blog readers this way, but then I'm not a marketer; I began to realize this survey is important for marketers because of the significant discrepancy in the behaviour of straight and gay people on the Web. If advertisers are trying to reach gays and lesbians, this survey tells them unequivocally they should look at blogs — almost 20 per cent of gays and lesbians reported feeling more “positive” about ads on blogs as opposed to 8 per cent of heterosexual adults.

All of this is a surprise to me. I can't say that you're particularly tech-savvy, Gay Guy. W
hen we started this enterprise, my blog tutorials with you were frustratingly similar to what might be entailed in teaching an Amish grandmother to play Grand Theft Auto on a Playstation.

--Straight Guy