Straight Guy State of the Union: Not Strong
See what they did there?
"Straight Pride" t-shirts have been popping up at Tea Party rallies around the country.
I know. Lame, right? They're not really proud, anyway. They're just petty whiners. Or worse, angry homophobes.
As a white, middle class, middle aged, suburban, straight guy, I have no credibility in lecturing on civil rights, I know. But I respect that minority groups need to celebrate their differences and proudly acknowledge their past struggles and future goals. I'm a Cleveland Indians fan, I get it. ... Wait. That makes me BOTH a racist and an oppressed minority. I can't win.
Back on topic...
No. There's no need to be ashamed of your sexual orientation, but the whole straight pride concept is a non-starter. "If possible, and under the right circumstances, are you interested in pursuing romantic and/or carnal relations with the opposite sex? You are! Wow. Come on in. Welcome to the least exclusive club in the universe! Have a seat, if you can find one."
Reminder: "Straight" is the default position, it represents absolute mediocrity. Here, take these "Cereal Eater" and "I Sleep at Night! In a Bed!" t-shirts while you're at it. You've accomplished nothing of note with your interest in the other sex. Sure, it's sometimes tough to get laid, or sustain a relationship, but that won't keep you from being straight (or gay). If you are incredible in the sack, and have a notable list of conquests, celebrate that. But I'll wager a guess that most of the folks wearing these shirts aren't exactly oozing the sexual charisma of Brad or Angelina.
Besides, this isn't the right time for a Straight Guy Pride Parade, anyway.
Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Jesse James, Tiki Barber, and [space reserved for male skank to be named shortly]... I won't wallow in the details, but the recent news cycle has gotten all straight guys in hot water. Guilt by Y chromoso-ciation.
Are we all pigs who want honorable wives but need to bang baby sitters and porn stars on the side?
No. Seriously, no. But the data ain't helpful.
• Statistically guys are are MUCH more likely, like 10 times more likely, to stray from (or leave) our spouses when they are terminally ill. Can't defend that. Won't try.
• It was also recently proven that men intuitively tip ovulating strippers at a much higher rate than others. God help us, the research seems thorough and real. Is there any less redeeming skill than the innate ability to identify the most fertile exotic dancers? Are we that primal, self-destructive, and hopeless?
Straight Pride, indeed. Howzbout we just lay low for a while and settle for not calling so much attention to ourselves?
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