Straight Guy State of the Union: Not Strong


Gay Guy,

See what they did there?

"Straight Pride" t-shirts have been popping up at Tea Party rallies around the country.

I know. Lame, right? They're not really proud, anyway. They're just petty whiners. Or worse, angry homophobes.

As a white, middle class, middle aged, suburban, straight guy, I have no credibility in lecturing on civil rights, I know. But I respect that minority groups need to celebrate their differences and proudly acknowledge their past struggles and future goals. I'm a Cleveland Indians fan, I get it. ... Wait. That makes me BOTH a racist and an oppressed minority. I can't win.

Back on topic...

No. There's no need to be ashamed of your sexual orientation, but the whole straight pride concept is a non-starter. "If possible, and under the right circumstances, are you interested in pursuing romantic and/or carnal relations with the opposite sex? You are! Wow. Come on in. Welcome to the least exclusive club in the universe! Have a seat, if you can find one."

Reminder: "Straight" is the default position, it represents absolute mediocrity. Here, take these "Cereal Eater" and "I Sleep at Night! In a Bed!" t-shirts while you're at it. You've accomplished nothing of note with your interest in the other sex. Sure, it's sometimes tough to get laid, or sustain a relationship, but that won't keep you from being straight (or gay). If you are incredible in the sack, and have a notable list of conquests, celebrate that. But I'll wager a guess that most of the folks wearing these shirts aren't exactly oozing the sexual charisma of Brad or Angelina.

Besides, this isn't the right time for a Straight Guy Pride Parade, anyway.

Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Jesse James, Tiki Barber, and [space reserved for male skank to be named shortly]... I won't wallow in the details, but the recent news cycle has gotten all straight guys in hot water. Guilt by Y chromoso-ciation.

Are we all pigs who want honorable wives but need to bang baby sitters and porn stars on the side?

No. Seriously, no. But the data ain't helpful.

Statistically guys are are MUCH more likely, like 10 times more likely, to stray from (or leave) our spouses when they are terminally ill. Can't defend that. Won't try.

• It was also recently proven that men intuitively tip ovulating strippers at a much higher rate than others. God help us, the research seems thorough and real. Is there any less redeeming skill than the innate ability to identify the most fertile exotic dancers? Are we that primal, self-destructive, and hopeless?

Straight Pride, indeed. Howzbout we just lay low for a while and settle for not calling so much attention to ourselves?

--Straight Guy

10 comments:

Michael Rivers said...

I guess if they don't mind if I wear my Gay Pride shirt, it's okay.

kathryn said...

Woah. I do believe this is the most I've ever heard you say, SG.

The (male skank to be named shortly) and "guilt by Y chromoso-ciation" made my wine unexpectedly spray my monitor, thankyouverymuch.

I can't argue with anything you've said here...but I can't wait to hear GG's thoughts about it.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

I really don't care who you're attracted to-IT DOESN'T MATTER. As long as you're a good person, you're cool. If its part of who you are, then that's fine. I honestly don't know why everyone's so worked up about it-its not like its going to change so, embrace is baby!

Oddyoddyo13 said...

*it

Spot said...

Gay guys cheat too, right? I think it's a guy thing regardless of sexual preference. It just gets alot more press time since there aren't a plethora of openly gay celebrities.

Still, you're absolutely right...the tshirts are idiotic. It's like publicly declaring that you're homophobic and a hater. I guess at least then we know who to stay away from?? Kind of like a warning sign "I'm an idiot. Don't talk to me."

♥Spot

Straight in Upstate said...

I give the Tea Party high marks for moxie, promotion, volume, rancor, street theater - but my 6 year old can kick their ass at logic. (Seriously. He's starting law school in the fall.) Most of their statements are ridiculous, on a logical level, to anyone who's not a true believer. Which doesn't make us smart or rational, just the enemy.

SG, we need to send a gift certificate to Phil Mickelson, about the only man in America trying to make married straight men look good. Stopped playing golf (his job, not hobby) for almost a year to be by his wife's and mother's sides during breast cancer, wins the Masters, and cries at the end. And he kicked Tiger Woods' ass. Thanks, Lefty.

Gay Guy said...

Straight Guy,

I love it when you get fired up.

There's a ton of Tea Party brand flawed logic here. Tea baggers or whatever they call themselves, make me crazy with their tiny slivers of world view. Gays -- and other minorities -- are not trying to take anything away from you. We just want the mythic equal playing field. At least that's my world view. Why are tea baggers and the like so afraid?

Proud of your straightness? Rock it, get a t-shirt, throw yourself a parade. No problem. But get an understanding of why gay pride exists. Simply said: Every day is straight pride day.

Tea Partiers, listen up: When it comes to the law, my peeps and I are just looking to have our rights respected on an equal basis with those of straight folks; we're not looking for anything special.

SG, you styled straight as mediocre. I can't say straight is particularly interesting to me, but I don't find being gay all that interesting either. It just is what it is. It's a small club, but that's not the same as exclusive.

I've met some dull gays, heck, sometimes I'm dull and mediocre. I think being gay is more complicated than it needs to be; sometimes the knots come from the outside (straight) world, sometimes the knots are self inflected.

SG, you are taking on waaayyy too much responsibility for your straight brethren. This gay guy doesn't look at Tiger, Tiki or the douche bag to be named and think 'he's a dick because he's straight.' I think he's a dick because he can't figure out how to work a zipper, buy suspenders, or make basic sacrifices to honor promises to people who matter. Gays do it too. Just not with ovulating strippers.

It's off topic, but you have some logic gaps of your own, SG. You are NOT a middle aged, suburban guy. Okay, statistically, you probably are. But with the exception of an actuarial table, you're still an urban hipster.

BosGuy said...

Have you seen the average Tea Party supporter? I'm not so certain that an original thought has entered one of their brains in decades so I'm not so surprised by the lack of creativity.

However, having seen many of their placards and signs I'd like to give them props for at least spelling everything correctly.

Tinkerschnitzel said...

See, I was at one point part of the tea party movement - when it made sense! I have no problem with folks who are gay, straight, black, or white. I just want the government to quit taking all my money that I work very hard for and telling me what to do with the rest. Those shirts are pretty stupid, and rank anyone who wears them right up there with those spewing racial remarks.

Anonymous said...

Straight Guy,

I agree wholeheartedly with Gay Guy: You are carrying too much of the burden for straight guys every where, all the time, 24-7. That'll kill you. We can usually separate the jerks for the guys who are at least trying to do a stand-up job.

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