Gay/Straight Hall of Shame: Creatures Stirring and Laying Pipe

My favorite headlines of recent days:

• "Drunk Four Year Old Steals Christmas Presents"

It's a story of a wayward boy found wandering his neighborhood at 2 a.m Christmas morning, blotto on pilfered beer and wearing a stolen dress. All while his parents were nestled snug in their beds (at home and in prison, of course). I've always been more concerned about locking strangers out, not so much about keeping my kids in. Cut the kid some slack, but please tell me there's a long-term "watch list" for 4 year olds who show a proclivity for breaking and entering. The cross dressing will work itself out one way or another.

• "Man Cut Free After Getting Penis Stuck in Steel Pipe"

Eight firefighters come to the rescue of a trapped penis. No, I'm not talking about a new title in your neighborhood video store, GG. Besides, no one could sit through a reenactment of the moment when they start hacking away at the pipe with a 4 inch circular saw. Yowza. Here's a quote: "The man, in his 30s, offered no explanation for his predicament but was said to be 'quite concerned and anxious.'" No explanation needed, thanks. If you're that lonely, freaky, and bored, I dare you to take it to the next level and rondezvous with a section of frozen pipe, a la "A Christmas Story"... just not at the school playground, OK?

--Straight Guy