Finally, A Wardrobe Malfunction That a Gay Guy Can Sink His Teeth Into

Straight Guy,

It's been a busy week in swimsuit news. I can't say that I follow swimsuit news, but it was hard to avoid it this week.

FINA, the international governing body for swimming, voted to ban the high-tech body suits we saw so much of at the Beijing Olympics. I listened to the story on NPR on Saturday morning while I was sipping coffee and trying to come to life. Imagine me, in my still-dreamy state, awaiting a story about competitive swimmers who wear too much. Heaven. Listen to the NPR story or read the transcript.

Turns out that FINA sets maximum coverage for swimsuits. Yes, maximum. Just in case you want to know, FINA's new swimsuit standard for men is: "The swimsuit shall not extend above the navel or below the knees." SG, I am sure there also are standards for women's suits, but I didn't read that far.

BTW, FINA needs to extend its reach beyond the competitive arena and zoom over to my neighborhood pool. Read the rules. Suits at the navel, guys. Not under the armpits, Pop Pop, or hanging off your hip bones, Dude.

Back to the news.

FINA also put out some regulations about approved fabrics. And not a moment too early. Yesterday I learned that this magic, uber-high-tech swimsuit material has been tearing, causing wardrobe malfunctions. The swimsuit tears are "becoming increasingly common as swimmers sought the tightest-fitting suits possible for the greatest performance-enhancement," swim pub Reach for the Wall reports.

Oh, the inhumanity! On Sunday, U.S. Swimmer Ricky Berens, competing in the 4x100 meters freestyle relay at the World Championships in Rome, experienced a backside blowout.

Here's more from Reach for the Wall about the suit malfunction, but indulge me as I refer to my favorite paragraphs.

"As Ricky Berens, scheduled to swim third for the U.S. morning swim squad, bent over on the pool deck for a drink of water moments before the race, his suit -- a Jaked01--split significantly in the back, exposing his rear end.

"There was no time to change the suit, so U.S. anchor leg Cullen Jones urged Berens to forget the gaping hole and swim."

Not even Gay Guy would try to pull off that kind of reporting.

Berens has been a good sport about it: "I felt I was putting on a pretty good show," he said. Nice to see a guy who doesn't take himself too seriously. Not so much for swimmer Flavia Zoccari, who couldn't go with the flow, and withdrew from a race in tears when her suit tore in a similar fashion in competition in June.

Just how tight are those suits? I know I am just being an adolescent boy with my giggles over the candy spilling out of the Speedos.

The most fun all the coverage on the coverage, if you will, has been seeing the range of detail in the photos of Berens' bare back end, from the modest to the marvelous--as in the photo above.

--Gay Guy