Good Try, Mr. Chips

More e-mail that came in while I was on Gaycation:
Gay Guy,

It's Mrs. Straight Guy here. I don't usually interject in the blog, but I need some insight into Straight Guy.

I missed you at the last Poker Night. As you know, when Straight Guy hosts Poker Nights, it's often a co-ed event. It's usually a fun evening, with expected offerings such as pizza, chips and beer. While I'm not a stereotypical house mom, I politely stay in the background to manage the kids. I like to give Straight Guy some semblance of a man's Poker Night, even with the wife and kids at home.

Here's my quandary: At the last Poker Night, only females showed up. It was a Poker Harem, if you will. So there was Straight Guy, not only hanging out at the Poker table with all the ladies, but also taking all of their chips. Some wives might worry about the female attention. Straight Guy and I are beyond insecurities like that. I worry more about the chip hoarding. Is Straight Guy in need of confidence boosting? Is he taking advantage of these unsuspecting guests? Or was it all just innocent newbies joining the game on the same night? What's really going on here?

--Mrs. Straight Guy

Dear Mrs. Straight Guy,

Always happy to hear from you.

I'm glad that you and Straight Guy don't have insecurities about peripheral female attention. In all the years that I've know SG, the only longing he's shown outside of his relationship with you has been with Best Buy, the Apple Store, and for a raspberry Danish that I had carelessly left in plain sight.

Regarding SG's winning streak: I'm voting that his luck was due to a harem of poker newbies. SG's a very good poker player, I'm sure, but we never get to see him strut his stuff. He's too nice to his guests: He posts the definitions of the hands, we play a few practice hands, he instructs and gives tips throughout the game. If he was hustling us, he would have made a noticeable dent in your mortgage by now.

Here's some personal perspective: I'm not good at poker. I don't win often, and sometimes even when I do take a hand, I don't even know it until SG slides the chips over to me. (It's a little shaming to need someone to explain why you're the winner.)

But, a few months ago, I had an incredible poker night. I couldn't stop winning. It was like stepping into a movie, right down to cradling my forearms around all the chips and sliding them into my stash. Mine, mine, mine. Just like in the movies.

Winning gave me a real testosterone surge. Very primal. I felt like a caveman who had just bagged a wild boar to feed his cave family through the long winter. So if I felt like thumping my chest and grunting, imagine how SG might feel inside.

I don't think Straight Guy's confidence is in need of boosting from poker chips, but I do think he's entitled to more Alpha Male moments than the 21st century provides any of us.

--Gay Guy


Anonymous said...

Hey wait, I was part of that "poker harem."

You trying to tell me I got hustled? ;)

Straight Guy said...

No hustling going on. But there were so, so, so many fabulous ladies there, you'll have to clue me in... how much did you lose?

Honestly, I wasn't even the biggest winner, was I? But next time, I'll be pouring very tall Cosmos and Zinfandels, so bring a little extra cash. It's on.

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