Gay / Straight Advice: Another Bro No-No

Pulled from recent comments: One reader's "Bros before Hos" scenario:

I don't think there is that much wrong with the bros before hos thing, I mean, obviously you wouldn't take it to some extreme, but it works and makes sense when it comes to certain situations. For example:

I had two really good friends, Johnny and Kyle, and the three of us were really close. Self proclaimed "brothers." But when Johnny got a girlfriend, Kayla, times that the three of us had planned to hang out, he would call or text us after he was supposed to be there and say that he was with his girlfriend and would either be really late, or that he was going to have to cancel on us. Kyle was dating someone and he didn't do any of the stuff that Johnny pulled.

Johnny would invite his girlfriend over to Kyle's house when he was there, he would be in the middle of hanging out with us and then get a text from her saying she wanted to see him and he would go. He wouldn't tell her that he was already busy, he would just go. And it's not like they never saw each other, whenever he wasn't with us, he was with her. They lived only a few blocks apart. We started seeing him less and less until finally he stopped hanging out with us completely.

[Straight guy edit: And then a lot of drama happened... See Brian's detailed backstory here.]

Johnny ended up breaking up with his girlfriend, and tried to be friends with us again. He told us that he was in love with Kayla and that he was just doing what she wanted so she would stay with him. Now I'm sorry but that is bullshit. You don't do that to your friends just for a girl. Needless to say we didn't take him back.

After having been through all that, Bros before Hos is not a bad thing. Again, you don't need to do it to any extreme, you don't need to reject a girl for your friends, be sensible about it but it's not definitely not a bad thing.

Straight Guy said...

Wow, Brian, thanks for the response. I'm not sure I processed it all.

But you're making my point. Too much drama negates a good friendship. A good friendship DECREASES the overall drama of life. It's there when you need it and welcomes you back if you've drifted away for a while.

Yes cheating and false accusations are bad things. Maybe some of those folks were bad people. But you're all living in a soap opera. Hurry and get out.

Balance is healthy. But any sane person will easily rank the pursuit of a solid, long-term relationship above "hanging out." Sorry. The normal libido of young straight guys (if they have opportunity and adequate social skills) also makes these priorities crystal clear. Help your friends get some, or at least get out of the way.

Gay Guy said...

I sort-of have a version of a 'bros before' story in my past. I did the classic thing that I've heard my female friends complain about when their friends do it.

Women hate it when their female friends drop them when a new guy is hot in the picture. They get unavailable in terms of time and conversation topics. When things go sour or end, the female friend is back looking for the compassion of the herd.

The life lesson is balance.

I did not keep my balance with my first boyfriend post college. I got swept up in the current, and really deserted my good friend/room mate. I was never around anymore. Yes, that's the way love's journey takes people. But, I wish I'd kept more balance. (First clue was that I felt homesick for my own apartment.) Maybe if things with that guy had worked out, I would have a different view of things.

So, should I have put my bro first? Maybe. Should I have had more balance between my bro and my (it's all too true to call him a) 'ho? Absolutely.

Two thoughts, Brian:

Sounds like your gang was really fused to each other. Is it something you want to repeat?

Call Johnny for a beer. You won't regret it. I believe he was indeed under the spell of an enchantress. He's probably gained a lot of perspective over time. It will be good for both of you.