Here's something I absolutely don't need: ChapFix.
From their press release: "Stop using your girlfriend’s lip balm! All men suffer from chapped lips, yet so few lip balm products have been designed to fit a man’s needs. ChapFix was designed to fill this crucial void."
Relax about your unfilled voids, ChapFix.
I think the phrase "insecure in their manhood" is overused (hold for live fact check... Yep. 1.5 million google hits). But it applies perfectly here. What are you trying to prove (or disprove), dude? The press release goes on to extol the patented textured grip and "slim profile so it doesn’t bulge in your pocket." Wow. If a tube of Chapstick creates bulge-related confusion for a guy, he may have other issues to worry about.
There are so many ways to not care here.
(1) I can not care that my lips are slightly chapped and just deal. I doubt that Chapfix is designed for the genuine outdoorsman, who is about to leave basecamp for a predawn summit climb. And tough guys don't give a crap about aloe vera or organic beeswax. The line for posers begins next to the fancy ChapFix display.
(2) I can not care if I am seen in public with a tube of Chapstick. I simply don't get the panic on this point. ("Please don't judge me! It's my girlfriend's, I swear! I don't even like the mango flavor!") Besides, it's much easier to justify that $1 drugstore purchase than explaining your $12 start-up investment in the ChapFix system. I'm happy to wash my hair with bar soap, if needed, so I don't think I'll brag about going premium on lip smoothers.
(3) Besides, there's already Carmex. It tastes bad. It smells bad. But it works good, and bulges plenty, thanks. When my dad woke up, dehydrated from triple-bypass surgery, this is the first thing he asked for. That funky, industrial-looking jar has been around since 1937, and it says in big, bold letters: "FOR COLD SORES." Which is fine, because confident guys don't care what people think.
But, if you have a very weak grip, a strong fear of bulges, no sense of appropriate price points, and lips that absolutely must be softened by coconut oil, then ChapFix is for you.
Kidding aside, ChapFix, I've dropped your name like eight times now, so I'm expecting a cut. Good luck with the product launch.
Readers, Gay Guy walked by a little while ago and admitted that he likes the squeeze tubes of Vaseline Lip Therapy. I guess that works fine, but I mentioned that they always require so much puckering, smearing, and lip-smacking that it's a little like making out with yourself. GG left deep in thought.
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