Things Straight Guy Hates Immediately: Lip Balm Edition

Gay Guy,

Here's something I absolutely don't need: ChapFix.

From their press release: "Stop using your girlfriend’s lip balm! All me
n suffer from chapped lips, yet so few lip balm products have been designed to fit a man’s needs. ChapFix was designed to fill this crucial void."

Relax about your unfilled voids, ChapFix.

I think the phrase "insecure in their manhood" is overused (hold for live fact check... Yep. 1.5 million google hits). But it applies perfectly here. What are you trying to prove (or disprove), dude? The press release goes on to extol the patented textured grip and "slim profile so it doesn’t bulge in your pocket." Wow. If a tube of Chapstick creates bulge-related confusion for a guy, he may have other issues to worry about.

There are so many ways to not care here.

(1) I can not care that my lips are slightly chapped and just deal. I doubt that Chapfix is designed for the genuine outdoorsman, who is about to leave basecamp for a predawn summit climb. And tough guys don't give a crap about aloe vera or organic beeswax. The line for posers begins next to the fancy ChapFix display.

(2) I can not care if I am seen in public with a tube of Chapstick. I simply don't get the panic on this point. ("Please don't judge me! It's my girlfriend's, I swear! I don't even like the mango flavor!") Besides, it's much easier to justify that $1 drugstore purchase than explaining your $12 start-up investment in the ChapFix system. I'm happy to wash
my hair with bar soap, if needed, so I don't think I'll brag about going premium on lip smoothers.

(3) Besides, there's already Carmex. It tastes bad. It smells bad. But it works good, and bulges plenty, thanks. When my dad woke up, dehydrated from triple-bypass surgery, this is the first thing he asked for. That funky, industrial-looking jar has been around since 1937, and it says in big, bold letters: "FOR COLD SORES." Which is fine, because confident guys don't care what people think.

But, if you have a very weak grip, a strong fear of bulges, no sense of appropriate price points, and lips that absolutely must be softened by coconut oil, then ChapFix is for you.

--Straight Guy

Kidding aside, ChapFix, I've dropped your name like eight times now, so I'm expecting a cut. Good luck with the product launch.

Readers, Gay Guy walked by a little while ago and admitted that he likes the squeeze tubes of Vaseline Lip Therapy. I guess that works fine, but I mentioned that they always require so much puckering, smearing, and lip-smacking that it's a little like making out with yourself. GG left deep in thought.


Oddyoddyo13 said...

Hmm....Suppose I should cross that off as a gift option for you SG...darn. And here I was hoping to buy you twelve dollars worth of chapstick.

Dorn said...

$12 for chapstick? Do women even pay that much? I was unaware I should have a complex using chapstick, I'm sure that's adding to the sticker shock.

Allie said...

HAHA! this was great. I completely agree with you. Plus, I'd judge someone so much more for carrying around $12 lip balm... mine only costs $3!

Michael Rivers said...

I'll stick with my Chapstick. :-)

Straight in Upstate said...

Eucerin is the best thing I've found so far, but I'm with y'all, I limit my experiments to little tube of stuff $1 and under.

Anonymous said...

I may have to hand in my gay card, but I like using Vaseline — the kind that comes from those gigantic tubs that everybody's parents had growing up for unknown reasons. Really messy, but works wonders.

Brutalism said...

Fantastic post.

Gingerella said...

$12 for chapstick! Uh, no. Blistex medicated for me thanks, and it's only $ .98 a tube. Just more marketing drivel for a completely useless product. My husband uses Carmex and doesn't feel any threat to his masculinity, heh.

David said...

I hate any kind of glop on my face. With chapstick, I'll keep licking it off until it is gone. That said, I don't have a problem breaking it out on dry winter days when my lips start cracking to the point where they're gonna bleed. Gross, I know.

Straight Guy said...

Thank you readers. I guess I should clarify that the $12 cost to buy ChapFix will get you three tubes, but that is the only ordering option. And, it still seems marked up by about 400%, as other readers have noted.

Use what works for you, I won't judge anyone except marketers who try to convince us that this new (old) thing will fill a "crucial void" in my life.

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