Gay Guy: Not My Day

Straight Guy,

"If I were a drinking woman . . . "

That's my mother's expression when she's in a state of total frustration and exasperation. Funnier if you knew that my mother's annual alcohol consumption is three sips of wine on Christmas Eve. What she'd do with a whiskey sour under her belt terrifies the imagination.

Today was a "if I were a drinking man . . . " day. Okay, I am a drinking man, but you get the point.

First disaster o' the day:
This afternoon, I headed out to a shopping mall to meet some friends for a movie. On the way to meet up, I went from not very hungry to starved in a flash. With ten minutes to spare before meeting my friends, I ducked into the mall food court. I needed the fastest of fast food.

Oh, God, I won't respect myself in the morning, but I hit McDonald's. Who, me? I'm such a food snob. I campaign and complain against McDonald's: It's not good, it's a nutritional nightmare, it's responsible for America's girth. But, I wanted it--that it was the fastest-moving line was a bonus.

While tearing through a Happy Meal, I looked across the food court, and who should appear but a boyfriend from a few years ago. He didn't see me, and I wanted to keep it that way. He's not a bad guy, but he sucks the energy right out of me. Worse, he was looking pretty sleek and buff. Worse still, he was with a boyfriend or at least a date. Strictly speaking, I can state that it was another guy. But I didn't recognize him, they looked happy and they were toting matching Banana Republic shopping bags. Gay men x happiness glances + Banana Republic sale = date.

I kept my eyes peeled as they started to come through the food court. I'm not jealous about ex-BF, but I just didn't care to deal with it. Luckily, with a bit of shifting in my seat, I could block the view by keeping the kiosk with the map of the mall between us.

I didn't feel like talking, meeting his friend, being late for my friends, and, most of all, didn't want to talk to vegan ex-BF while stuffing my face with a Happy Meal. I destroyed most of the evidence at the trash can, the white bag of small fries over my face looking like an oxygen mask.

SG, how can I go from being a reasonably confident guy to a junior high boy so quickly?

Disaster o' the day two:
Wait, wait, it's a Ghee Whiz story. Movie's over, and I hit the men's room. The urinal I step up to looks fuller than it should, but a line was forming. I'm doing my business when the man next to me finishes up, zips, and leaves, setting off the motion sensor on my urinal. The urinal churns and fills . . . and fills . . . and shows no sign of stopping. The water--and piss--is only a hair below the rim, ready to spill over.

I jumped back and away from the coming flood. Problem being, my instinctive sanitary survival hop meant I didn't zip up first. Yep, me with my stuff fulling hanging out, jumping back and left and flopping in full view of a standing-room-only men's room.

"If I were a drinking man . . .

--Gay Guy


Dorn said...

Running into exes unexpectedly sucks no matter the situation. Murphy's law: you're awkwardly in the middle of something and seem caught off guard and therefore a stumbling mess; you're not looking your best, or they look extra phenomenal; you're with people it's just inappropriate to have a real interaction with an ex in front of. The ex always seeks you out if any of these apply, rarely the reverse.

The happier delusional's entirely probable that he saw you but was embarrassed by his choice of date versus his memory of you.

Did you spare your shoes during the danglefest?

Gay Guy said...


After the "danglefest" I had a little adrenalin-infused sweat under my pits, but my shoes stayed dry.

SteveA said...

Well told! Popcorn at the cinema might also be good as we" I don't think I can handle McD!

Seeing ex's is something that happened to me twice sat week! I try to avoid not make eye contact! But alas I have to - it's just me!

Straight in Upstate said...

GG, I've had a "if I were a drinking man" three days, so that story made me laugh.

Straight Guy said...

Why do you even need to go to the movies, GG? You are your own walking rom-com.

When do Reese Witherspoon and Paul Rudd show up to set you straight?

Straight Guy said...

And I don't mean anything by "straight."

kathryn said...

Oh, GG! NOT a stellar day. I hope you seriously had a drink when you got home.

Honey, if I had a dollar for every time I saw someone I didn't want to talk to; or saw the caller ID for someone I didn't want to talk to; or spotted someone when I looked like sh!t that I subsequently didn't want to talk to....well, you get the idea.

And I'm totally with you on the Micky D's...once or twice a year, I just have to have it. What IS that?

Tinkerschnitzel said...

Days like that suck, but I hope today is better. Now me, I'll probably have to have a drink when I get home today.

Gay Guy said...

Paul Rudd can set me anywhere he wants.

Jesse said...

Help. I'm 15 and I just came out to my older brother. He told me not to worry about being gay that there is nothing to be ashamed about however my twin brother found out and now he keeps giving me the cold shoulder and teasing me. I love my brothers and sisters I have one older brother a twin brother younger sister and younger brother. I was hoping someone could give me advice how to get my twin brother to accept me like my older one did.

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