Beware The 11-Wides of March

Regular reader, TJ, sent us this question last night:

My straight guy friends live and die for March Madness. What does March Madness mean to you two?

Happy to answer your less-than-timely question, TJ. In fact, I'll try to answer for both of us and GG can deny or confirm his portion. First, I'll point out the surprising fact that Gay Guy has attended the NCAA Final Four tournament, while I have not.

For me, the "madness" of last month was not found in basketball playoffs, but rather in a newly purchased pair of Kenneth Cole shoes. I don't think I'd ever shopped there before, but based on GG's past posts, I decided I needed to take a look. The salesman was less than impressed that I was wearing tube socks to try on dress shoes (is this a no-no, GG?). He also attempted an ambush makeover a la Carson Kressley, but I grabbed my shoes (75% off!) and got out of there before I was forcibly accessorized.

I noted when I got home that I chose the "Wet N Wild" model, which only makes me more self-conscious. They are comfy, though. And still on sale, FYI.

Question within a question, GG... what is is the slightly upturned toe in all of these KC shoes? I was in Johnston and Murphy immediately before, and their models were much flatter (click for comparison at right). Is this another gay/straight divide? I bought a pair from each store. Are my feet bi?

As to Gay Guy's spring-related mental illness, he is an admitted neat-freak. That's putting it lightly. I can only assume that his recent spring cleaning bordered on a CDC decontamination drill utilizing autopsy-grade disinfectants. Am I wrong, GG?

--Straight Guy

SG aka Mister Man and/or City Slicker,

Welcome to the world of Big Boy Shoes. I can only hope I've finally influenced an upgrade.

You don't need to be so delicate. Kenneth Cole shoes ARE gay. I know already. I don't want to make Kenneth Cole shoes into a low-grade gaydar, but bad shoes = straight guy. (Bad shoes on a gay man better be cute and endearing in a college professor kind of way.)

Your chart divides shoes into gay shoes (first two rows) and straight shoes (second two rows). I am fine with that. The most important thing: You would wear the shoes shown in the bottom half to go to a meeting with Dick Cheney. You would not wear the shoes from the top half to go to a meeting with Dick Cheney. And that, my good friend, should be our style mantra... WWDCW: What Would Dick Cheney Wear?

You are right. Nothing's harder than being a neat freak facing spring cleaning. Big news! I've finally upgraded to getting a cleaning person. She's only come once, but I think it will work. It's a weird intimacy, but I am getting used to it.

-- Gay Guy