Spittin' Image

Straight Guy,
Please, please, please explain why straight men spit, all the time and everywhere. I can't stand to see it.

I am not talking about an ESPN's close-up of tobacco-chewing baseball players; that's color. I am asking about run of the mill, average Joes who see a spit zone where I see a sidewalk. Just walking along, getting home, and then they thwap one out. Today's gem was a guy in the shower at the gym who filled his mouth with water from the shower head, then let one loose on the floor. I don't mean rinsed his mouth, I mean brought something up. It had velocity. Sorry to be gross.

Gay gay don't spit that much. Of this I am certain. (Sure, I spit when I run, but I have the decency to find a patch of grass upon which to deposit it.)

So, SG, are my sensibilities too refined?

--Gay Guy

See, and just the other day I decided to take a picnic break and sit for a spell on an inviting patch of grass, and what should I find? A monster loogie recently "thwaped out" by Gay Guy.

But geez, how can this straight guy even manage to type this out without all of my slobber and drool short-circuiting the keyboard? Easy on the stereotypes, GG. Your team spits, too. Please. But anyone who makes a show of it is rude. I'll give runners and other fitness types a little leeway... unless they are on the treadmill next to me.

I once had a friend who would regularly plug one nostril while clearing the other into mid air. A true caveman, he was, in all respects except that he was an engineering genius. We walked 2 steps behind him, not out of respect, but to avoid the flying mucus.

Mostly, I think spitting is just a bad habit. Once you start, you can't stop. I don't really forgive the baseball players, though. All that spitting and crotch grabbing. They are puberty boys, obsessed with their own junk and bodily emissions. They need to get over themselves and focus on the game. (This is a sore spot for me. Viewership is down because games are regularly 3 hours plus, directly due to all of the posing and posturing... including spitting, package positioning, batting glove adjustment, etc. Lets get to the next pitch, boys, and save all the pregnant pauses for moments of actual drama. Back to the topic...)

As we learned from your gay refrigerator, your sensibilities are too refined. I have the feeling that a name change to "Latvian Turmeric Expectoration" might change your tune.

--Straight Guy

1 comment:

Straight in Upstate said...

GG, yet again you throw out another straight/gay guideline that makes me wonder where I fall. I've never been able to "hawk up a loogie" on command, unless I'm running a 103 degree fever and begging for death. I spit like crazy when I used to run but that was saliva not mucous (hey, you started this thread). So, hoping I speak for more than just myself, not all straight guys spit.

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