Straight Guy Dictionary: Destructoporn
Gay Guy,
I'm not sure whether to feel sorry for enjoying this clip, or sorry for what remains of John Cusack's career. Oh, who am I kidding? He deserves a payday as much as anyone else, and this one will probably be huge.
From director Roland Emmerich who has previously destroyed the world through alien invasions (Independence Day) and a new Ice Age (The Day After Tomorrow), this new movie, 2012, opens next month.
Boys and their toys, right? This is just a bunch of them stomping around in a multi-million dollar sandbox. There is some palpable glee in all of the tragedy. Let's watch one family get away while millions of others are brutally destroyed. Hey, watch out for giant rolling donuts and traumatized children!
GG, was this on your radar, or is it for straight guys (and their unwilling dates) only?
I'll just pretend to be disgusted with the premise during it's theatrical run, and then sneak it into my NetFlix cue for next summer.
--Straight Guy
Gay/Straight Survey Results: Boys DO Cry
STRAIGHT GUY: Thanks to everyone who took our survey on how much we cry. A relatively small sample, but the results are in... Everyone cries, but gay guys cry more than straight guys, and women cry more than men of any orientation. You can see the details in the survey below, but basically, only 33% of straight men cry more than 10 times a year, while 55% of gay men and 65% of women cry that often. Gay men also had the highest percentage of folks who cry more than 30 times a year, but that was a slimmest segment of every group.
This matches the results from a study of German ophthalmologists who found that men cry 6-17 times a year, while women cry 30-64 times.
I guess I was revealing a stereotype, but I mentioned to GG that I bet that gay guys fall somewhere in the middle, and cry more than straight guys do. He wasn't so sure, but we both thought a survey of GG/SG readers would be interesting.
Tell me if I'm an a-hole, but my assumption was that the genetic differences (yes, I believe in the "gay gene"... nature, NOT nurture) would make gays more emotional than straights. Not a universal judgment of every gay guy out there, but that, in general, gay guys would be more open and less repressed when revealing their emotions.
GAY GUY: Straight Guy, Maybe I am being defensive about my masculinity and that of my fellow gay guys, but I draw your attention to the stat that 15 percent of both gay and straight men responded that they cry "less than 10 times a year" in our highly unscientific survey. Same stat, different orientations. After that, yes, the numbers take different paths.
Am I sounding defensive? I don't want to be a big crybaby about this.
I wouldn't be surprised to learn that gay men get an extra teaspoon or two of some hormone that straight men don't get. I don't know that's it's a "female" hormone that makes us more like women, whatever that means. But bet there's some splice of DNA at work here.
On crying: Little gay boys get taught that boys don't cry just as much as little straight boys. Maybe even more, as the nervous parents, not wanting to be outed, just keep tightening the lid. When I came out in college and started to make gay friends -- and meet women who hung out with gay men -- I don't remember that any of them encouraged me me to cry, but there was probably some sense of kinship when it did happen. Encouraged to cry, no; allowed to talk endlessly about what I felt and thought, yes.
By the way, having nothing to do with being gay, I had a 5-minute crying jag in front of my friend in my dorm room the end of my freshman year. A long laugh at a joke weirdly jackknife into a silent sob. It was due the combination of the end of a hard year, finals stress, and being high as kite from smoking pot. My friends cleared the room quickly. I don't remember feeling better at the end of it, just exhausted. My friends did an excellent job of being guys and pretending it never happened, which I greatly appreciated.
If we do cry more, maybe it's because our lives can be harder. Gay kids learn to keep a lot packed in about their own truth and how people will take it in. It's isolating. Let's face it, unless you are one of these super courageous kids taking a same sex partner to the prom, pretty much count on spending that night at home with the remote.
Back to the survey: Cry more than 10 times a year? I can't imagine crying every month. I cry at times of extreme heart break or extreme frustration. Usually the latter.
Straight Guy, can I get some definition on "cry." Are we talking sorrowful sobs only, or are we including the red nose, welled-up eyes and maybe a tear roll when emotionally manipulated during a movie? If that counts as crying then I switch my vote from less than 10 times a year to 10 to 30 times a year.
Not too long ago, there was a commercial for coffee. This young serviceman gets home on a surprise bit of leave, duffle bag slung over his shoulder; he comes into his home with everyone still asleep, and brews a pot of coffee to wake everyone up. His mom comes down stairs... Oh, Lord, I can't even finish typing this post... my eyes are too full of tears....
STRAIGHT GUY: Thanks, GG. I'm going to break this part to you gently... The data doesn't quite break down the way you think. Though the numbers look the same, the percentages are based on the entire survey sample, not yet broken by orientation. The straight male sample was slightly smaller than the gay male. When you do break it down, you find that 66% of straight guys cry less than 10 times per year while only 44% of gay guys cry that rarely. (Next time, I'll embed each segment as a separate survey, or something.)
Thanks for your explanation, maybe there is some "nurture" behind these numbers, too. And yes, I'm thinking of the broadest interpretation, that crying is defined by any emotional response that causes tears, anything from sentimentality to abject terror.
I'm not immune to the sentimental stuff myself, and will admit that I cry from that angle much more often, now that I have kids. My youngest started kindergarten this fall. There was a happy bounce to her step as she began a new adventure. Back in the car, I wasn't holding up that well. And like you, I better sign off now...
Readers?
This matches the results from a study of German ophthalmologists who found that men cry 6-17 times a year, while women cry 30-64 times.
I guess I was revealing a stereotype, but I mentioned to GG that I bet that gay guys fall somewhere in the middle, and cry more than straight guys do. He wasn't so sure, but we both thought a survey of GG/SG readers would be interesting.
Tell me if I'm an a-hole, but my assumption was that the genetic differences (yes, I believe in the "gay gene"... nature, NOT nurture) would make gays more emotional than straights. Not a universal judgment of every gay guy out there, but that, in general, gay guys would be more open and less repressed when revealing their emotions.
GAY GUY: Straight Guy, Maybe I am being defensive about my masculinity and that of my fellow gay guys, but I draw your attention to the stat that 15 percent of both gay and straight men responded that they cry "less than 10 times a year" in our highly unscientific survey. Same stat, different orientations. After that, yes, the numbers take different paths.
Am I sounding defensive? I don't want to be a big crybaby about this.
I wouldn't be surprised to learn that gay men get an extra teaspoon or two of some hormone that straight men don't get. I don't know that's it's a "female" hormone that makes us more like women, whatever that means. But bet there's some splice of DNA at work here.
On crying: Little gay boys get taught that boys don't cry just as much as little straight boys. Maybe even more, as the nervous parents, not wanting to be outed, just keep tightening the lid. When I came out in college and started to make gay friends -- and meet women who hung out with gay men -- I don't remember that any of them encouraged me me to cry, but there was probably some sense of kinship when it did happen. Encouraged to cry, no; allowed to talk endlessly about what I felt and thought, yes.
By the way, having nothing to do with being gay, I had a 5-minute crying jag in front of my friend in my dorm room the end of my freshman year. A long laugh at a joke weirdly jackknife into a silent sob. It was due the combination of the end of a hard year, finals stress, and being high as kite from smoking pot. My friends cleared the room quickly. I don't remember feeling better at the end of it, just exhausted. My friends did an excellent job of being guys and pretending it never happened, which I greatly appreciated.
If we do cry more, maybe it's because our lives can be harder. Gay kids learn to keep a lot packed in about their own truth and how people will take it in. It's isolating. Let's face it, unless you are one of these super courageous kids taking a same sex partner to the prom, pretty much count on spending that night at home with the remote.
Back to the survey: Cry more than 10 times a year? I can't imagine crying every month. I cry at times of extreme heart break or extreme frustration. Usually the latter.
Straight Guy, can I get some definition on "cry." Are we talking sorrowful sobs only, or are we including the red nose, welled-up eyes and maybe a tear roll when emotionally manipulated during a movie? If that counts as crying then I switch my vote from less than 10 times a year to 10 to 30 times a year.
Not too long ago, there was a commercial for coffee. This young serviceman gets home on a surprise bit of leave, duffle bag slung over his shoulder; he comes into his home with everyone still asleep, and brews a pot of coffee to wake everyone up. His mom comes down stairs... Oh, Lord, I can't even finish typing this post... my eyes are too full of tears....
STRAIGHT GUY: Thanks, GG. I'm going to break this part to you gently... The data doesn't quite break down the way you think. Though the numbers look the same, the percentages are based on the entire survey sample, not yet broken by orientation. The straight male sample was slightly smaller than the gay male. When you do break it down, you find that 66% of straight guys cry less than 10 times per year while only 44% of gay guys cry that rarely. (Next time, I'll embed each segment as a separate survey, or something.)
Thanks for your explanation, maybe there is some "nurture" behind these numbers, too. And yes, I'm thinking of the broadest interpretation, that crying is defined by any emotional response that causes tears, anything from sentimentality to abject terror.
I'm not immune to the sentimental stuff myself, and will admit that I cry from that angle much more often, now that I have kids. My youngest started kindergarten this fall. There was a happy bounce to her step as she began a new adventure. Back in the car, I wasn't holding up that well. And like you, I better sign off now...
Readers?
Superbawl
Gay Guy,
Over the weekend, I'll post the results and some thoughts on our recent survey on crying. But for now, enjoy this video as an example of how some men are brought to tears. Sometimes, we just care too damn much!
Gotta love the gentle dose of straight guy therapy from his bleep-ing friend.
This guy is so hopeless that it's irrelevant whether he's gay or straight. He's not getting any. Period. He seemed fully satisfied by his trembling, bromantic encounter with Umenyiora, anyway. If he's dreaming, don't wake him. Ugh. Did I mention he's hopeless?
A few weeks ago I posted another video of NY Giants fans who were celebrating by airhumping each other to euro disco. Too much wet t-shirt man-love for me, and too much "bro-dude" attitude for you... neither of us would claim them for our teams.
So, bigger question: What are the Giants doing to their male fans that strips them of their masculinity? Stop crying and grinding on each other, or you'll never see a Superbowl again!
[Sidebar: I heard some good things about Patton Oswalt in "Big Fan," a dark comedy about an obsessed Giants fans that opened earlier this year, but the release never got much traction. Trailer here. Adding to my NetFlix cue now.]
Readers, know any fanatics who love their teams, hobbies, or whatever a little too much? Any tears of joy or frustration?
--Straight Guy
Gay Guy at the End of His (Jump) Rope
Straight Guy,
Our readers really enjoyed your Oct. 5 post about that maniacal jump roping team. The video got a bunch of hits.
I've just experienced my own jump rope story. Maniacal, just not choreographed. I worked out with my trainer, who is trying to add more intense cardio to my routine. You can guess where this story is going . . .
She handed me a jump rope and set me to task.
It was an unmitigated disaster. First off, it wasn't a rope at all, but a series of linked plastic tubes. Like pieces of plastic penne. It didn't handle well at all.
As I already knew, I am just not coordinated enough to jump rope. After whistling around my ears, it slapped the floor with a thwack. Another thwack. Then more thwacks. So, I shortened the rope and my swing, then ended up jumping too high, instead of just stepping over it. I was a mess. Eventually, my trainer just took it away from me, with an "Uhmmm, maybe we'll just try this again later."
Yeah, later. Later, when I don't put the whole gym into a surgical and legal risk. I must have been bad, since my trainer never lets me quit anything before it's done to her satisfaction.
I'm okay with my defeat. Though when I see guys who are really good at jumping rope, natural and easy, I'm in awe.
So, back to the trainer issue. You know I've been working out with a trainer for a while. Though I usually call her "the woman I work out with." I have trouble saying the word "trainer." I can't connect that word to me. "Trainers" work with athletes, and that is not what I am. I've advanced quite some bit since my childhood of picked last for basketball, baseball, football . . . curse of the gay guy.
I dreaded gym class, but I now I finally feel like the gym is a place that I belong, not a place where I am an outsider. I've grown a lot more comfortable and confident of my physical self, finally.
--Gay Guy
Our readers really enjoyed your Oct. 5 post about that maniacal jump roping team. The video got a bunch of hits.
I've just experienced my own jump rope story. Maniacal, just not choreographed. I worked out with my trainer, who is trying to add more intense cardio to my routine. You can guess where this story is going . . .
She handed me a jump rope and set me to task.
It was an unmitigated disaster. First off, it wasn't a rope at all, but a series of linked plastic tubes. Like pieces of plastic penne. It didn't handle well at all.
As I already knew, I am just not coordinated enough to jump rope. After whistling around my ears, it slapped the floor with a thwack. Another thwack. Then more thwacks. So, I shortened the rope and my swing, then ended up jumping too high, instead of just stepping over it. I was a mess. Eventually, my trainer just took it away from me, with an "Uhmmm, maybe we'll just try this again later."
Yeah, later. Later, when I don't put the whole gym into a surgical and legal risk. I must have been bad, since my trainer never lets me quit anything before it's done to her satisfaction.
I'm okay with my defeat. Though when I see guys who are really good at jumping rope, natural and easy, I'm in awe.
So, back to the trainer issue. You know I've been working out with a trainer for a while. Though I usually call her "the woman I work out with." I have trouble saying the word "trainer." I can't connect that word to me. "Trainers" work with athletes, and that is not what I am. I've advanced quite some bit since my childhood of picked last for basketball, baseball, football . . . curse of the gay guy.
I dreaded gym class, but I now I finally feel like the gym is a place that I belong, not a place where I am an outsider. I've grown a lot more comfortable and confident of my physical self, finally.
--Gay Guy
Cowboy Boots? Girls? Gay Guy Video Confusion Ensues
Straight Guy,
Friday night, a friend and I went to a movie, then stopped at a gay bar for a beer or two. This would count as my maybe-bimonthly appearance at a gay bar. This place plays good videos, or at least a steady stream of them. Keeps the conversation demands to a minimum.
A catchy opening melody started up . . . "I know this song," I thought. But what is it? Why do I know it? I don't recognize the video. Who is that young woman? Who are all those other young women? Why are there women in this video? Wearing cowboy boots? Where are the boys in sunglasses and flip flops?
It was the "real" version of "Party in the USA," with Miley Cyrus herself, not the "Party in the Fire Island Pines" lip sync version, see our Sept. 23 post.
I'd never seen the real thing, only the play on it. Reality has such a fluid meaning today.
I know that the camping it up version got some flack among my peeps -- bad for the cause and all -- but anything that says endless summer is okay with me.
--Gay Guy
Friday night, a friend and I went to a movie, then stopped at a gay bar for a beer or two. This would count as my maybe-bimonthly appearance at a gay bar. This place plays good videos, or at least a steady stream of them. Keeps the conversation demands to a minimum.
A catchy opening melody started up . . . "I know this song," I thought. But what is it? Why do I know it? I don't recognize the video. Who is that young woman? Who are all those other young women? Why are there women in this video? Wearing cowboy boots? Where are the boys in sunglasses and flip flops?
It was the "real" version of "Party in the USA," with Miley Cyrus herself, not the "Party in the Fire Island Pines" lip sync version, see our Sept. 23 post.
I'd never seen the real thing, only the play on it. Reality has such a fluid meaning today.
I know that the camping it up version got some flack among my peeps -- bad for the cause and all -- but anything that says endless summer is okay with me.
--Gay Guy
Gay/Straight Poll: Who’s Crying Now?
Readers,
Gay Guy and I were talking about men and crying today, and we need your help with some research for an upcoming post. It's completely anonymous, so no need to feel self conscious.
[10/20 update: Think we'll close the poll when we get to 50. Easy to do the math that way. And hey, can anyone send some lesbians our way? Just to fill the gaping hole in our readership demographics. Yikes.]
Gay Guy and I were talking about men and crying today, and we need your help with some research for an upcoming post. It's completely anonymous, so no need to feel self conscious.
[10/20 update: Think we'll close the poll when we get to 50. Easy to do the math that way. And hey, can anyone send some lesbians our way? Just to fill the gaping hole in our readership demographics. Yikes.]
New Benchmarks for GG/SG
Readers,
We just passed our 400th post (this is 401) here at GG/SG, and are closing in on our second anniversary in November.
Last week was also the first in which we passed more than 1,000 unique readers (thank you, Google analytics).
Thank you to all of our new and loyal readers, and all of those whose comments have added to some great conversations. You are all certainly unique.
--Gay Guy & Straight Guy
We just passed our 400th post (this is 401) here at GG/SG, and are closing in on our second anniversary in November.
Last week was also the first in which we passed more than 1,000 unique readers (thank you, Google analytics).
Thank you to all of our new and loyal readers, and all of those whose comments have added to some great conversations. You are all certainly unique.
--Gay Guy & Straight Guy
Gay/Straight Advice: Gay Bar Regular -- Straight or Bi?
Here's a question from another reader...
In a related question, yet another reader asked for our take on bisexuality, whether "it actually exists," so let's get to it.
STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS:
Let me start by admitting that "gay bar drama" is not a specialty of mine. But, even I know that these establishments serve several useful purposes, one of the lesser acknowledged ones is to provide a safe haven for straight girls who are tired of getting hit on. So strike one against the flirt-addict already.
My gut says that a self-proclaimed straight who is a regular at a gay bar, takes shots at all passersby, and misses on all counts (responses range from ambivalent to non-enthusiastic... ouch!) might have more than a few issues to work out. All we know for sure is that the guy is lonely. Gay and hopeless? Straight and creepy? Bi and desperate? Your guess is as good as mine. But he doesn't sound like a "keeper" in any of those scenarios.
As to whether he's "more into" girls or guys? Whatever. We'll have to assume that he's into whatever he's hitting on at the moment. Maybe he is trying to play you against each other. But let's not label him a player until he's actually got game.
Which leads us to the other topic...
As to the existence of bisexuality, sure, why not? Probably very rare, but why write it off? Mostly, though, it's a label that's not applied properly. GG and I have discussed the "girls gone wild" double-standard: girls are allowed (often encouraged) to explore their bi options and are allowed to return to straightdom, guys who experiment are labeled as gay forever. No, it's not fair, but that's the current scenario. (SG post / GG post)
Pro bisexuality folks probably say that it's taking life and love without limits, which sounds good as an abstract. But I can't imagine a more tiring, complicated, and drama-filled existence. For this straight guy, mastering ONE model for relationships has proven pretty exhausting and plenty rewarding, thank you very much.
I play a fair amount of video games (a few all nighters, but nothing tragic, don't worry). It takes weeks or months to acquire the skills, and build the strength, to complete the story of each game. When you finally win, the programmers often give you access to "secret bonus levels" where they throw a ridiculous amount of obstacles and opponents at you, all at once. The frenzy is supposed to be fun, but I immediately lose interest in these ultra-complicated conquests. And yes, you have just been hit with a lame straight guy metaphor where bisexuality = bonus level. Sorry.
If there is a sliding scale, and bisexuality is really out there, you'd have to be doubly attractive and have twice the energy to make it work... or else you'll just be twice as lonely when nothing clicks, right? (See example, above.) Sorry if that sounds harsh, but let's not assume that all bisexuals are skanky 20-somethings of the late-night Cinemax variety, right?
I'll let GG talk more about the folks who change teams along the way. Maybe a few of them are truly bi. I think most of them probably spent too long trying to be something they weren't.
So, yes. One uninformed vote for the existence of bisexuality. Though it's rarer, and probably not as easy, and certainly not as hot, as we're led to believe by pop culture. Readers?
GAY GUY RESPONDS:
Wow, lots of material here. Thanks, readers, for the questions, and thanks, Straight Guy for another well-conceived, well-articulated and revealing post.
For our straight gal pal reader getting hit on by a guy who says he more into girls than guys . . . while he's hanging in a gay bar . . . Please, please listen to your "ambivalence" about him. Right now, your ambivalence is your best friend. Repeat: Keep listening to your instincts. In fact, pump up the volume.
Maybe someday this serial, equal opportunity flirter will become a gem. But he'll be someone else's gem because you don't have enough time to help him along. Even if he's truly bisexual or keeping his romantic options open, he needs to work on his technique. Like a better use of venue. If he's in a "gay today" mood, the gay bar makes sense, but don't hit on the woman in the gay bar. It's just too confusing to everyone, too ripe for collateral damage. Think about the Bermuda Triangle for the gay guy building up the ego to take step one with what he reasonably thinks is another gay gay, but one who's working it with the straight girl. Not cool. Plus, if Mr. More Into Girls Than Guys, But Keeping My Options Open and Crowded is into you, he needs to strap on some class and find a nicer way to deal with you plus Jon.
Trying to make Jon jealous by hitting on you? Confused? Uh . . . no. He's just a mess, and I agree with SG -- it's more than a little sad that's he's striking out with both you and Jon in rapid succession. Best case scenario, he's an attention whore. If he wanted to make an impression on Jon, he'd make a good one. That would mean being to nice to you, not flirting with you.
Bisexuality. It just seems untidy to me. I'm sure it exists and I don't write it off, but it's pretty rare in my experience. And messy. My experience of bisexual men is that the women they are involved with are just a way station on the path to living as homosexuals. As in, "Today's bisexual is tomorrow's homosexual." Or was that "Today's vegetarian is tomorrow's homosexual?" Or tomorrow's vegetarian. I don't remember anymore.
I like women. I like women a lot. I've always been comfortable with them. I think I deal with them as, well, women. Not gay men with breasts and an unfamiliar Southern Hemisphere. But, not since high school did I experience the feelings, longing, and misery with them that I feel with other men.
Maybe bisexuality gives you more options. But, it looks exhausting to me. Or maybe I can't handle the fear of rejection from more than one flank at a time. I don't deal well with lots of choices; I just shut down. This summer, a server handed me a wine list that resembled a legal brief prepared for a Supreme Court appearance. On top of that, it was in tiny, single-space type. My best option became to order a Bud Light (in Napa, not less -- horrors). The server sensed by blankness and brought the "29 wines at 29 bucks for our 29th anniversary" list. Much better.
Okay, I'm gotta jump into the shower for dinner and a show with a friend, so I'll end here. I'd like to circle back to guys who switch teams along the road. Remind me to come back to it.
P.S. "Bite the bullet and taste the rainbow" is priceless!!
I am friends with several gay guys, as well as "straight" guys, who as a friend once said "Need to bite the bullet and taste the rainbow." But this is the situation...
One of the "straights" hangs out at a local gay bar my friends and I frequent. As a straight girl, I'm rarely approached other than to be complimented on my hair or outfit, etc. But the "straight" guy started a flirtation with my friend "Jon", then did an about face a week later and began hitting on me. He says he's more into girls than guys, but the rest of us are skeptical. Now Jon did not show obvious enthusiasm at his advances, and at the moment I am ambivalent to his flirtation.
The question: Is he really that confused, or is he trying to make Jon jealous by flirting with a girl who is also Jon's good friend?
In a related question, yet another reader asked for our take on bisexuality, whether "it actually exists," so let's get to it.
STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS:
Let me start by admitting that "gay bar drama" is not a specialty of mine. But, even I know that these establishments serve several useful purposes, one of the lesser acknowledged ones is to provide a safe haven for straight girls who are tired of getting hit on. So strike one against the flirt-addict already.
My gut says that a self-proclaimed straight who is a regular at a gay bar, takes shots at all passersby, and misses on all counts (responses range from ambivalent to non-enthusiastic... ouch!) might have more than a few issues to work out. All we know for sure is that the guy is lonely. Gay and hopeless? Straight and creepy? Bi and desperate? Your guess is as good as mine. But he doesn't sound like a "keeper" in any of those scenarios.
As to whether he's "more into" girls or guys? Whatever. We'll have to assume that he's into whatever he's hitting on at the moment. Maybe he is trying to play you against each other. But let's not label him a player until he's actually got game.
Which leads us to the other topic...
As to the existence of bisexuality, sure, why not? Probably very rare, but why write it off? Mostly, though, it's a label that's not applied properly. GG and I have discussed the "girls gone wild" double-standard: girls are allowed (often encouraged) to explore their bi options and are allowed to return to straightdom, guys who experiment are labeled as gay forever. No, it's not fair, but that's the current scenario. (SG post / GG post)
Pro bisexuality folks probably say that it's taking life and love without limits, which sounds good as an abstract. But I can't imagine a more tiring, complicated, and drama-filled existence. For this straight guy, mastering ONE model for relationships has proven pretty exhausting and plenty rewarding, thank you very much.
I play a fair amount of video games (a few all nighters, but nothing tragic, don't worry). It takes weeks or months to acquire the skills, and build the strength, to complete the story of each game. When you finally win, the programmers often give you access to "secret bonus levels" where they throw a ridiculous amount of obstacles and opponents at you, all at once. The frenzy is supposed to be fun, but I immediately lose interest in these ultra-complicated conquests. And yes, you have just been hit with a lame straight guy metaphor where bisexuality = bonus level. Sorry.
If there is a sliding scale, and bisexuality is really out there, you'd have to be doubly attractive and have twice the energy to make it work... or else you'll just be twice as lonely when nothing clicks, right? (See example, above.) Sorry if that sounds harsh, but let's not assume that all bisexuals are skanky 20-somethings of the late-night Cinemax variety, right?
I'll let GG talk more about the folks who change teams along the way. Maybe a few of them are truly bi. I think most of them probably spent too long trying to be something they weren't.
So, yes. One uninformed vote for the existence of bisexuality. Though it's rarer, and probably not as easy, and certainly not as hot, as we're led to believe by pop culture. Readers?
GAY GUY RESPONDS:
Wow, lots of material here. Thanks, readers, for the questions, and thanks, Straight Guy for another well-conceived, well-articulated and revealing post.
For our straight gal pal reader getting hit on by a guy who says he more into girls than guys . . . while he's hanging in a gay bar . . . Please, please listen to your "ambivalence" about him. Right now, your ambivalence is your best friend. Repeat: Keep listening to your instincts. In fact, pump up the volume.
Maybe someday this serial, equal opportunity flirter will become a gem. But he'll be someone else's gem because you don't have enough time to help him along. Even if he's truly bisexual or keeping his romantic options open, he needs to work on his technique. Like a better use of venue. If he's in a "gay today" mood, the gay bar makes sense, but don't hit on the woman in the gay bar. It's just too confusing to everyone, too ripe for collateral damage. Think about the Bermuda Triangle for the gay guy building up the ego to take step one with what he reasonably thinks is another gay gay, but one who's working it with the straight girl. Not cool. Plus, if Mr. More Into Girls Than Guys, But Keeping My Options Open and Crowded is into you, he needs to strap on some class and find a nicer way to deal with you plus Jon.
Trying to make Jon jealous by hitting on you? Confused? Uh . . . no. He's just a mess, and I agree with SG -- it's more than a little sad that's he's striking out with both you and Jon in rapid succession. Best case scenario, he's an attention whore. If he wanted to make an impression on Jon, he'd make a good one. That would mean being to nice to you, not flirting with you.
Bisexuality. It just seems untidy to me. I'm sure it exists and I don't write it off, but it's pretty rare in my experience. And messy. My experience of bisexual men is that the women they are involved with are just a way station on the path to living as homosexuals. As in, "Today's bisexual is tomorrow's homosexual." Or was that "Today's vegetarian is tomorrow's homosexual?" Or tomorrow's vegetarian. I don't remember anymore.
I like women. I like women a lot. I've always been comfortable with them. I think I deal with them as, well, women. Not gay men with breasts and an unfamiliar Southern Hemisphere. But, not since high school did I experience the feelings, longing, and misery with them that I feel with other men.
Maybe bisexuality gives you more options. But, it looks exhausting to me. Or maybe I can't handle the fear of rejection from more than one flank at a time. I don't deal well with lots of choices; I just shut down. This summer, a server handed me a wine list that resembled a legal brief prepared for a Supreme Court appearance. On top of that, it was in tiny, single-space type. My best option became to order a Bud Light (in Napa, not less -- horrors). The server sensed by blankness and brought the "29 wines at 29 bucks for our 29th anniversary" list. Much better.
Okay, I'm gotta jump into the shower for dinner and a show with a friend, so I'll end here. I'd like to circle back to guys who switch teams along the road. Remind me to come back to it.
P.S. "Bite the bullet and taste the rainbow" is priceless!!
Marge Simpson in Playboy? Doh!
Gay Guy, Readers,
So I've been honest with you about some early impure thoughts involving the toons of my youth (see previous Veronica/Betty posts). I'll even fess up to a realization I had while watching an old Popeye cartoon where Olive Oyl was strutting her marginal stuff and trying to catch Popeye's attention... I must have been 7 or 8 years old, and spent a few moments wondering, "what is she up to?," before it clicked. She went from annoying to interesting in one moment. Sad, but true, that even Olive Oyl had enough mojo to spark previously dormant hormones.
From there, I passed several years fascinated with the females of the Hanna Barbera cartoons (Betty Rubble, Penelope Pitstop, Judy Jetson) before venturing into "mature" live action fantasies involving Ginger AND MaryAnn ("Take it easy ladies, there's enough Preteen Straight Guy to go around!"). Don't hate on me for mostly rooting for Ginger. Shallow, but expected, right?
Anyhow... This conversation is only marginally appropriate because I am sharing the news that the next issue of Playboy will feature a cover and "modest pictorial" of Marge Simpson. Yeah, she's had a few risqué moments through the years, and I'm sure some boys of the youngest generation had the boy/girl paradigm shift while watching the Simpsons. I say it's healthy. Weird, but healthy.
(To be clear, I am NOT recommending the magazine for kids.... If I had access to a "Women of Gilligan's Island" Playboy pictorial at that age, I might have crumpled to the floor in a hormonally induced seizure.)
OK, now it's your turn. Let us know about the hotties and/or hunks that had a pre-teen impact on you. It can't get any worse than Olive Oyl... Can it?
--Straight Guy
So I've been honest with you about some early impure thoughts involving the toons of my youth (see previous Veronica/Betty posts). I'll even fess up to a realization I had while watching an old Popeye cartoon where Olive Oyl was strutting her marginal stuff and trying to catch Popeye's attention... I must have been 7 or 8 years old, and spent a few moments wondering, "what is she up to?," before it clicked. She went from annoying to interesting in one moment. Sad, but true, that even Olive Oyl had enough mojo to spark previously dormant hormones.
From there, I passed several years fascinated with the females of the Hanna Barbera cartoons (Betty Rubble, Penelope Pitstop, Judy Jetson) before venturing into "mature" live action fantasies involving Ginger AND MaryAnn ("Take it easy ladies, there's enough Preteen Straight Guy to go around!"). Don't hate on me for mostly rooting for Ginger. Shallow, but expected, right?
Anyhow... This conversation is only marginally appropriate because I am sharing the news that the next issue of Playboy will feature a cover and "modest pictorial" of Marge Simpson. Yeah, she's had a few risqué moments through the years, and I'm sure some boys of the youngest generation had the boy/girl paradigm shift while watching the Simpsons. I say it's healthy. Weird, but healthy.(To be clear, I am NOT recommending the magazine for kids.... If I had access to a "Women of Gilligan's Island" Playboy pictorial at that age, I might have crumpled to the floor in a hormonally induced seizure.)
OK, now it's your turn. Let us know about the hotties and/or hunks that had a pre-teen impact on you. It can't get any worse than Olive Oyl... Can it?
--Straight Guy
Gay/Straight Advice: Come Up and Do Some Homework With Me Sometime ... Naked
Readers,
Anonymous, your post doesn't give us quite enough information to go on. I feel like you've left out all the good parts. Why did text you and what did the texts say? In what context did you give him your number? I assume because you were working on an acting assignment together. Serious or joking about what? But, here's a few general thoughts:
First off, guys and their affections can still be confusing, even at your (college) age. So, don't get discouraged by feeling confused. Second, from the limited info I've got, objectively I would say that a lot of texting probably means that he wants something from you. The questions is what does he want, and does he even know what he wants. If the texts were all logistical --when to meet and where --then who knows.
Signs to watch for to see if he's interested? I'd look for whether he makes good eye/face contact when he talks with you, does he hang out for a few minutes after your class to touch base with you, does he generally seem happy to talk with you. Basically, does he act like he finds you interesting and that he looks forward to seeing you.
But, my advice is to get beyond reading tea leaves and get some real information. Make some light, friendly moves and see how he reacts. Suggest something --doesn't need to be intense--and see how he reacts. Does he want to meet at the cafeteria and get something to eat? Just hang out at the library and study?
Again, we think we need more info. Keep in touch.
--Gay Guy
We put a call out for more gay/straight advice questions. An anonymous reader posted; here's an excerpt from his question and our thoughts.
There's this guy in my acting class . . . and a few days ago we had this flurry of text messages back and forth. Now, I know it's a text, and a text isn't a substitute for actually speaking to someone, but I just don't know if he was serious or if he was joking. Are there any signs I can watch for, in class, that he might be serious about maybe trying to be with me? I am incredibly confused.
Anonymous, your post doesn't give us quite enough information to go on. I feel like you've left out all the good parts. Why did text you and what did the texts say? In what context did you give him your number? I assume because you were working on an acting assignment together. Serious or joking about what? But, here's a few general thoughts:
First off, guys and their affections can still be confusing, even at your (college) age. So, don't get discouraged by feeling confused. Second, from the limited info I've got, objectively I would say that a lot of texting probably means that he wants something from you. The questions is what does he want, and does he even know what he wants. If the texts were all logistical --when to meet and where --then who knows.
Signs to watch for to see if he's interested? I'd look for whether he makes good eye/face contact when he talks with you, does he hang out for a few minutes after your class to touch base with you, does he generally seem happy to talk with you. Basically, does he act like he finds you interesting and that he looks forward to seeing you.
But, my advice is to get beyond reading tea leaves and get some real information. Make some light, friendly moves and see how he reacts. Suggest something --doesn't need to be intense--and see how he reacts. Does he want to meet at the cafeteria and get something to eat? Just hang out at the library and study?
Again, we think we need more info. Keep in touch.
--Gay Guy
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