We’ve had a request for some gay/straight perspective. Jesse e-mailed us:
“Help. I'm 15 and I just came out to my older brother. He told me not to worry about being gay -- that there is nothing to be ashamed about. However, my twin brother found out, and now he keeps giving me the cold shoulder and teasing me. I love my brothers and sisters. I have one older brother, a twin brother, younger sister, and younger brother. I was hoping someone could give me advice how to get my twin brother to accept me like my older one did.”
GAY GUY RESPONDS: Jesse, I admire you. It takes a lot of bravery to be true to yourself and with those you love, especially when you know that what you have to say doesn’t always go over very well.
I suspect you already know this, but you can’t “get” anyone to accept you. Acceptance is work that we all have to do for ourselves. It’s not work that others can make us do, let alone succeed at.
Your twin is acting like a brat. My gut tells me that he has some catching up to do. You’ve been thinking about your orientation for a while; maybe he needs some time to get used to the idea.
Don't let the cold shoulder go on too long, and don’t let the teasing make you feel bad about yourself. This behavior is about your twin, not you. Your older brother can give you some good help and perspective.
Take comfort in knowing that you and your siblings have been raised in a loving, thoughtful way—your oldest brother as proof. That’s the best indicator you’ll find the acceptance that you want from the ones you love.
STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS: I agree with GG's last point, the fact that your oldest brother is being supportive is an indicator that your family is on the right track. There's still more good news than bad in your situation.
We all see bits of ourselves in our siblings. I'm not a twin but had a couple of sets in my group of friends growing up. Some of the stereotypes are true. They can share a stronger connection and do seem to know what the other is thinking and feeling. Maybe this is the first time your twin has felt truly out of sync with you, and that might rattle him to point of pushing back. At 15, we can hardly judge him as an adult. As GG said, he's being a brat. But I'm not sure that's his permanent state. Every year will bring epic changes. He'll be a different person next year, and the year after that.
For now, just do what you can to let him know that he can still trust you. But also coolly inform him that his taunting isn't acceptable. Above all, he should respect your privacy and let you manage this information with your friends on your own. If not, that's a deal breaker.
I'll go one dangerous step further in my response, though. I don't know if you are fraternal or identical twins. If you are identical, then you share your genetic makeup. Both GG and I are believers in the gay gene (that it's not a choice). I'm just saying that the odds of a person being gay seem to be much higher if they have a gay twin. This does NOT mean that he is gay -- still probably not -- but you shouldn't be shocked if someday you run into him at a Pottery Barn outlet.
I could throw you a bunch of links to research, but I'm too scared to google "gay teen twins" and end up on yet another government watchlist. Oh, heck, here's a wikipedia link to get you started.
Maybe he knows or guesses at these odds and is just reacting out of fear of being pre-judged. "They've always been soooo alike, and did every single thing together, and now one of them is gay, so...."
Gay or straight (did I mention -- probably straight), maybe he's struggling with identity issues of his own now. I'm willing to transfer a smaller portion of sympathy to him, too.
Standard Straight Guy remedy applies: Take extra time and cut back on drama wherever possible. Good luck.
MORE GAY GUY SAYS: I agree with SG on the gene machine. I didn't want to write about it but SG thought it would be helpful to you. Do some searching to find solid information. That is to say, nothing from YouTube. I totally agree with SG that maybe your twin knows about the gene research, and he is feeling way uncomfortable, wherever his orientation lies. Keep the faith and please stay in touch.
Readers, any thoughts for Jesse?
8 comments:
Jesse--Wow! Really impressive! Don't worry too much about your brother. He will come around.
A-men GG! And SG, good point with the identity.
As to Jesse: Ignoring it all never works. MUCH easier said than done. Advice? Either a) Talk to him (wow, I sound like my mother....creepy).
b) Ask him what's making him so uncomfortable. Maybe if you know WHY he's acting that way it'll help you understand how to fix it.
Wow, GG and SG you guys did an terrific job with this post. You should have a regular posts like this. Just sayin.
Twin brother my be uncomfortable since you two have the genetic connection he may be questioning himself - Oddy is right on with asking him what is making him uncomfortable.
First visit. Your developmental and psychological observations are solid, so I'm impressed.
Important for Jesse to know that, of the suggestions posted by SG and GG, it's likely not any ONE of these issues with the twin; it is more likely ALL of these issues at the same time. That makes for a very tangled skein for twin brother to unravel. Fifteen is a tangled-skein sort of period, especially about identity and sexuality.
Be patient, don't push it, don't react, don't expect resolution for (possibly) a couple of years. That calls for a lot of maturity on Jesse's part.
And, as the Cosmic Accident would have it, I ran into this situation just days ago. One twin was gay and the other straight. They were fraternal twins. SG and GG make excellent points about identical twins.
Anon: Thanks for the good vibes.
Oddy: Communication is key, but connecting with 15 year old boys is a tall order. They don't know what they're feeling, and don't have the skills to communicate it.
Wannabe: We'd love to do more of this. In the old days, we did. Check the advice tab under our banner if you're nostalgic...
Nance: Welcome to GG/SG. Glad to have you. Please hang around. Also glad to hear that you think we are on track. I agree on the need for patience. My 15-year-old self couldn't have processed this, either.
Good advice. I love it when you write your post together.
(Thanks for the travel wishes, GG! Unfortunately things didn't go as planned or hoped, but such is life.)
Honey, (that's meant for SG-Honey and GG-Honey equally), you've put it beautifully. I can't think of a single thing to add. I completely agree that his twin needs to mature...and knowing nothing about twins and their dynamics, I'm sure there's a dimension to that as well.
Very good advice, imho.
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