Straight Guy Hall of Shame: "31 Inches from Tip to Tip"


You might look at this photo of the recent winner of the inaugural National Beard and Mustache Championships and see a man who has the drive and determination needed to achieve a tough, long-term goal. You might be right. [source: Mercury News]

But when I look, I also see a man who has completely given up... on getting laid.

He's been married for over 40 years, so that might not be his top concern. But, c'mon. Any ladies (or men) out there seriously tempted to grab hold of that thing and take a ride? Even if it was growing out of Ashton Kutcher?

His wife claims that it hasn't affected their intimacy, but also admits that they can't dance (metaphor alert!) without "impaling her eyeball." Given the fact that this guy loses almost an hour a day to maintain this abomination, I think we have a pretty good sense of where his priorities are. That's a lot of mirror time for a man.

I'm rarely clean-shaven and certainly not anti-stache. I support the good work that the "Movember" mustache folks do to raise money and awareness for men's health issues. Maybe GG and I will participate this fall with our own mustache contest.

But I think this guy is stretching the very definition of mustache -- most of that monstrosity is growing out of his cheeks. We might need a Rollie Fingers intervention and/or beatdown here.

--Straight Guy

GG is on vacation this week. San Francisco if you must know (or couldn't guess). I hope he's having a good time, and that I don't get another desperate, late-night, collect call from a Western Union office in Mission Bay like last time. Check his tweets (and SFPD's web site) for updates.


Oddyoddyo13 said...

Yeah.....That reminds me of the long fingernails records.

j.m. neeb said...

When I saw the picture, I was ready to comment that "Yeah, I used to have one like that, but got sick of being laid all the time."

My efforts were thwarted, however, by the cleverly-prepared text accompanying said picture.

Well-played, SG.

p.s. Good stuff, man.

Dorn said...

Gross. Do you think his Civil War Reenactment buddies are super jealous of his award?

CRK said...

Old people are eccentric. Mostly, we should let them be. But I can't give a pass on the vanity issue either. Spending that much time grooming your face is just wrong. When I do the math, he's losing around 20 days a year. Unacceptable.

Anonymous said...

At first glance I thought that man was eating a live bird.

kathryn said...

Ew. I'll bet he uses a LOT of gel to make that baby stay so ramrod straight.

I'd like to give it a nice bath and maybe braid it straight down the middle...with a bow on the end like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz...

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