Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Members Only, Episode 1

Gay Guy,

Today I begin a series of posts on ads which are, ummm, let's say, inspired by the male anatomy.

Let's start with this one, though not a favorite of mine, it fits well into our gay/straight advertising collection. Yeah, it's homophobic and mean. You might argue that the joke is really on us straight guys, but I don't think the intended audience of beer drinkers will look that deep. They'll stop at the obvious punchline: gay is gross.

You know what? I kind of hope Bill really enjoyed himself at this idiot's expense. Obviously, he was obsessed with Bill's anatomy both before and after the deed, so...

Readers?

--Straight Guy

Lilly Willy: Cialis Not Lost, Declares Guy Guy

Straight Guy,

Gay Guy was a domestic animal this past weekend. The Rites of Spring . . . Spring Cleaning, that is. The weekend's mission was to send the woolly winter wear to the dry cleaners and take out the spring clothes, bed linen, bedspread, etc.

The fresh outlook makes me feel like a new and happy person, but the amount of laundry to be done over one weekend is intense. Dirty stuff needs to be clean; musty clothes from the recesses of the closet need a wash to smell clean, and it all needs to be put away by the end of the weekend.

While I was in the midst of these labors, a Cialis commercial landed straight into my agitator. Cialis is for the treatment of erectile dysfunction. It's made my Lilly Pharmaceuticals. Call it the Lilly Willy, if you will. Unlike its cousin, Viagra, Cialis is for daily use so "you can be ready anytime the moment is right." I guess it's like electricity--always floating around but nothing happens until you plug something in and turn it on. Sorry, infantile, I know.

Disclaimer: I do not need to know anything about Cialis. I am ignorant of using it.

Back to the commercial. The theme is "anytime can be the right time." A guy comes into the laundry room, toting a full laundry basket. He hands the basket to his wife. Hands touch. Eyes meet. Knowing glances exchanged. Music swells. Cialis lurches. He's filling up one basket while he empties out the other. Wow!

In the midst of folding polo shirts and mating and folding a centipede's worth of black socks . . . well, all I can say is if that --or any guy--had showed up in my place ready to help me do the laundry, I would be the one springing a hard on.

This is the road that Gay Guy has traveled: I used to want a guy to rip off my clothes and throw me onto the washing machine. Now, if I could get one to empty a hamper, I'd be moist.

Please tell me it's better in Straight Town.

--Gay Guy

Men's Intuition: Trouble Straight Ahead

Gay Guy,

I appreciate the support from you and our readers in response to last week's post on the current media cycle's indictment of straight guys. I realize that I don't need to apologize for the behavior of others... especially the cheating celebrities who create and exploit more opportunities for trouble than I could possible imagine in my own life.

Still, I was shocked that no one commented on what I thought was the most thought-provoking bit of info: The link to research that indicates that men have a strong ability to identify ovulating strippers based solely on visual cues. It's not that we consciously diagnose their reproductive status. But, whether we know it or not, we do tip them a hell of a lot more when they are at their most fertile. That's some primal magic at work, and I'm sure it was a valuable skill to a cro-magnon man on the prowl. But in the modern world, an instinctive attraction to the most impregnatable lap dancers is trouble... with a capital T.

No minds blown by that? Really?

Why is it that "women's intuition" is generally regarded as the ability sense danger and avoid it, while, apparently, "men's intuition" is the ability is to find trouble, walk right in, and pay a little extra for the privilege?

GG, you can never say that straight guys don't appreciate the subtleties of dance as an art form. We've taken it to whole new level.

Let me clarify a bit. When I say "we," I don't mean to imply that I'm a regular at the local Kitty Cat Club. Actually, in my limited experience in this area, I can say that I found the dancers pretty intimidating, actually, and that my strongest urge was often wanting to wash my hands.

Still, I am slightly jealous that the experiments I volunteered for back in college involved sensors attached to my head while I solved tough math problems. Did I miss the sign-up sheet to be a bankrolled stripper tipper?

Rock on, University of New Mexico and the McNair Scholars Program! Keep makin' your mommas proud!

P.S. I'd also like to see the tax returns where all of this research was deducted as a business expense.

--Straight Guy

Able to Leap Tall, Dark and Handsome in a Single Bound!: Another Gay Take on Super Heroes

Straight Guy,

Over the past two days, I've been thinking about gays and super heroes. Uhmm . . . remember the last post? I don't normally daydream about super heroes. Much.

Besides a well-earned . . . shall we say . . . fascination with fit men in skin-tight, muscle-revealing, lycra-enhanced body suits with built-in pecs and washboard abs, plused up with -- my personal favorite -- go-go boots . . . Oh, Lordy, what's not to love here . . . there's a meaningful connection between with my peeps and super heroes.

Gays and super heroes grow up knowing to not reveal their true selves. Don't show the very thing that makes you essentially different . . . and wonderful. Am I over-thinking this?

My super hero alter ego is probably Superman. Yep, me and Clark Kent: Born on a fabulous other planet then raised by Midwestern-style parents droning on and on about morality, morality, morality. Yep. Separated at birth.

Here's my real inner super hero, Catty Man, courtesy of a sassy gay magazine quiz.

Catty Man:
"Invulnerable to criticism, this master of the scathing remark unleashes his withering glare and super-sharp tongue only to defend those attacked by bigots and other intolerant blowhards."
Weakness: Loses his powers if someone calls him "Mary"
Archenemy: Rightwing

Straight Guy, do you have a super hero alter ego?

--Gay Guy

Up . . . Up . . . . and a Gay

Straight Guy,

Did you read this article on gay comic book fans that ran in the New York Times last week? It shows gay and lesbian comic books fans who are channeling their identification with Super Heroes and other comics characters into a way of expressing themselves and their sexual identities.

There's Skin Tight USA, a club party in New York where guys come garbed in costumes that range "from the familiar (like Spider-Man) to ones that only a comics geek would recognize (like the 1993 version of Superboy)." As the article points out, "it wasn’t that long ago that the [comic book] environment was less than welcoming for those who wanted to make the two seemingly disparate worlds [gay and comics fans] one."

Why the fascination with comics? The beautifully expressed nut of the story: "In interviews with several gay fans, the reasons given for gravitating toward comics were as varied as the heroes' costumes: everything from escapism to 'hot men in tights' to embodying the X-Men's message, 'seeking acceptance from a world that hates and fears them purely for who they are.'"

I never caught the comic book bug, but I sure did pick up a tingly vibe from watching Batman on TV. I was pre-sexual, but even as a tot I could tell that there was something hidden going on at the Bat Cave . . . and it wasn't just the entrance. Batman and Robin both were hot. Then again, so was Cat Woman . . . both Eartha Kitt and Julie Newmar. The capes, the tights, the latex! Phew!


--Gay Guy

Gay/Straight Viral Video: Sneaky Gays

Straight Guy,

You know I'm a Gleek -- a geek who loves Glee. This clip shows you why.

Glee resurfaces the utter awfulness that is high school everywhere, including or especially, my own high school. It puts every kind of different (gay, disabled, neurotic, just plain messy) front and center. It even has great music and dance. What more could TV offer?

Back to the clip. Jane Lynch plays Sue Sylvester, vainglorious coach of the cheerleading squad -- deliciously named the Cheerios. Sue has a regular spot on local TV. She cluelessly takes on the wrong side of every politically correct issue in the book. Here she is on "sneaky gays."

I laughed so hard watching this segment. Now I gotta go "swish it up a bit."

Lynch is brilliant and she somehow plays Sue Sylvester with a straight face. If you go to the Glee site, be sure to click on her remake of Madonna's "Vogue," with a few Glee-specific references.

--Gay Guy

Sometimes, when I watch American Idol (or Glee), I turn into a Sneaky Straight. You can hardly tell...

--Straight Guy

Straight Guy Gift Guide: Bacon Bouquet

Nothing says "I love you" like hand-crafted pork products. I haven't seen them for sale, but FastCompany published a how-to on their website. They call it a "broquet."

In the story, the creator admits that she was a vegan until bacon became her "gateway meat." Later, she came up with the bouquet concept as a way to seduce her hunky neighbor. It worked. For a while at least.

Side Note: I think Gay Guy knows that I briefly worked for a small-town slaughterhouse when I was in high school. One of my jobs was to take samples and a hotplate to local supermarkets to try and drum up business. I was paralyzed with stage-fright about making the pre-scripted pitch. I shouldn't have been. Nothing breaks the ice like hot fried pork. I was the life of the party. The only problem was the demographics. Very few teenage girls buy breakfast meats.

--Straight Guy

Straight Guy State of the Union: Not Strong

Gay Guy,

See what they did there?

"Straight Pride" t-shirts have been popping up at Tea Party rallies around the country.

I know. Lame, right? They're not really proud, anyway. They're just petty whiners. Or worse, angry homophobes.

As a white, middle class, middle aged, suburban, straight guy, I have no credibility in lecturing on civil rights, I know. But I respect that minority groups need to celebrate their differences and proudly acknowledge their past struggles and future goals. I'm a Cleveland Indians fan, I get it. ... Wait. That makes me BOTH a racist and an oppressed minority. I can't win.

Back on topic...

No. There's no need to be ashamed of your sexual orientation, but the whole straight pride concept is a non-starter. "If possible, and under the right circumstances, are you interested in pursuing romantic and/or carnal relations with the opposite sex? You are! Wow. Come on in. Welcome to the least exclusive club in the universe! Have a seat, if you can find one."

Reminder: "Straight" is the default position, it represents absolute mediocrity. Here, take these "Cereal Eater" and "I Sleep at Night! In a Bed!" t-shirts while you're at it. You've accomplished nothing of note with your interest in the other sex. Sure, it's sometimes tough to get laid, or sustain a relationship, but that won't keep you from being straight (or gay). If you are incredible in the sack, and have a notable list of conquests, celebrate that. But I'll wager a guess that most of the folks wearing these shirts aren't exactly oozing the sexual charisma of Brad or Angelina.

Besides, this isn't the right time for a Straight Guy Pride Parade, anyway.

Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Jesse James, Tiki Barber, and [space reserved for male skank to be named shortly]... I won't wallow in the details, but the recent news cycle has gotten all straight guys in hot water. Guilt by Y chromoso-ciation.

Are we all pigs who want honorable wives but need to bang baby sitters and porn stars on the side?

No. Seriously, no. But the data ain't helpful.

• Statistically guys are are MUCH more likely, like 10 times more likely, to stray from (or leave) our spouses when they are terminally ill. Can't defend that. Won't try.

• It was also recently proven that men intuitively tip ovulating strippers at a much higher rate than others. God help us, the research seems thorough and real. Is there any less redeeming skill than the innate ability to identify the most fertile exotic dancers? Are we that primal, self-destructive, and hopeless?

Straight Pride, indeed. Howzbout we just lay low for a while and settle for not calling so much attention to ourselves?

--Straight Guy

Gay/Straight Gift Guide: Handerpants

"...combines the sweat absorption and chafing protection of underwear with form fitting gloves..."

You absolutely can't have too much chafing protection in your life. If you're self conscious, stuff a tiny sock in them.

They're for reals, yo. Purchase at neatoshop.

--Straight Guy

Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Brownie Husband

"The perfect blend of rich fudge and emotional intimacy..."

Straight guys, our days are numbered.

--Straight Guy