Product Watch: Fabulous, But Not Fat Free

Gay Guy,

I'm sure the kids in the lunch line do NOT make a big deal about this.

Photo found on BuzzFeed, original source unknown. Apparently it's common in Canada, note that they sell it by the mL.

--Straight Guy

Period Drama. Drama. Period.

Straight Guy,

Been feeling a bit under the weather for a week or so. Not ill, just tired and mopey. At 4 p.m. on Saturday, I found myself still in my pajamas, teeth and hair yet to be brushed, waiting for some heavenly inspiration to cut through the day's domestic disappointments (e.g., New Year's resolution No. 3: I will save money by ironing my shirts for work and not using the dry cleaners . . . now that stack of unironed shirts is getting high).

Heavenly inspiration did arrive. Via PBS.

You and everyone else knows how much I love those damn period dramas on PBS. "Upstairs, Downstairs" as a tot, "Brideshead Revisited" as a young man, I am all in with those fab locations and big hats. I've been looking forward the new series "Downton Abbey," but missed episode one. Late in my mopey Saturday afternoon, I discovered that episode one was available on the PBS site.

Suddenly my day was brighter, my time and energy organized for me: Gotta get a recipe going, get to the grocery store, and get dinner in and out of the oven so I can put the laptop on my lap and get watching. My afternoon had a purpose.

Downton Abbey did not disappoint.

Let me say it now: I knew that Thomas the footman was trouble from the second I put my eyes on him.

--Gay Guy

Gift to Gay Guy... Law and Order: UK

Readers,

Many years ago, I gave GG an old TV from my basement for his new apartment. He had gone for years without one and in fact had lived in the last building in the city with no cable connection. He pointed the rabbit-ear-antenna toward the local PBS affiliate and seemed happy for quite a while.

More recently, I helped him go flatscreen, purchase a wi-fi laptop, and advised him on a cable hookup option. Almost immediately, he was sucked into a new reality full of Law & Order reruns, and we often lost track of him for days.

So, yes. You can blame me for the corruption of GG on this issue (and this issue, only -- other complaints, take a number). I'm sure his fancypants book club despises me, but something had to be done. How else could this blog have come to be?

We once had a lunch-long debate over which L&O casting change hurt the most. Yes, I know the loss of Jerry Orbach was painful for everyone. But, in terms of eye candy, was it the departure of Angie Harmon or Benjamin Bratt?

So, since he's a fan of British drama and addicted to the L&O franchise, I'd be irresponsible if I didn't point him toward Law & Order: UK which now airs on BBC America.

I had no idea it existed until an hour ago. But maybe he has found it already. Have any of you? Is it any good?

--Straight Guy

Let's Get Physical. The Pre-K Version

Straight Guy,

So, I'm trudging home in the cold and ice last evening, and I cross paths with a couple pushing a stroller with a young child in tow. I'd guess she was 3, maybe 4, tops.

Just as we pass, she starts to sing: "Let's Get Physical, Physical," the refrain of the song of the same title. For a second, I thought I had heard her wrong, but, no, it was was followed by, "I wanna get physical, physical," in perfect rhythm and pitch.

Had she been watching the Glee version from the episode where Olivia Newton-John guest stars in a video with with Jane Lynch? Or the 1981 original? Who knows?

I'm still chuckling.

Watch the ONJ's video. Oh, the early 1980s, look so cruel. Both the Glee version and the 1981 version have a lot of flesh, at least for a 3 or 4-year-old. Or am I being a prude?

--Gay Guy

Things Straight Guy Hates Immediately: Voice Prints

Gay Guy,

I enjoy talking to you. You're smart and you say funny things.

Please don't be insulted when I tell you that you have never said anything smart or funny enough for me to want to immortalize those words. For eternity. On canvas. In my living room.

If it helps, I don't think I've said anything that makes the cut either.

Readers, the folks at VoicePrints (slogan: Your Voice Is Your Art) have come up with a business model where you forward an audio file of your voice and they create a waveform representation of those words. Perfect to display in your home or office, or, if you suffer from a more extreme self-importance disorder, to give as a gift.

It's possible to get ripped off at rates ranging from $59 to $459. But you do get to pick the colors.

Here's the kicker: These sound wave images are not captioned, so you'll have to explain this exercise in ego gratification to every single visitor who makes the mistake of asking. Please let them know how important it is that your words be preserved for future generations.

Reception on the web has generally been positive, along the lines of "novel idea," and "strong sentimental value." Hometone went so far as to say the final product "gives your home a unique classy touch." InStash says "These paintings give your words the credit they deserve." Barf.

Am I the only one who sees how tacky and self-absorbed this is?

I don't care if it's your valedictorian speech, marriage proposal, your baby's first words, or your dying mother's last... don't fall for this.

I'm not completely unsentimental. Please save and cherish your memories. Save that sound file, and back it up. It's priceless. But it's not art.

Possible exception: Quotes from Young Frankenstein.

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy Embraces La Dolce Vita Head On

Straight Guy,

Right before Christmas, I finally overcame my financial fears and bought a plane ticket to Rome for a trip this spring. I have friends living in Rome for a short-term assignment, so now's the time. The ticket felt a bit steep, but you only live once.

Planning the trip came just in time for Santa's elves to do some Christmas shopping. My nieces gave me an Italian phrase book.

I flipped through the book just to see where my eye landed. And here's the first phrase I saw: "Fa male urinare," which is Italian for "It hurts to urinate." Wow, who knew that Gonorrhea and Chlamydia were Italian tourist destinations?

I hope not to use that phrase. A second flip through the Italian phrase book yielded better results: "La colazione e inclusa?"

"Is breakfast included?" Words to live by.

--Gay Guy

Viral Video: Miracle on 22nd Street, from NYT

Readers,

Happy New Year! Before the holiday spirit fades away, take a look at this video from the New York Times. Shout out to one of our NYC readers for pointing it out to us.

GG and I always participate in our workplace charity drives. Better to give and all that.... But at least we can see them coming.

So, my Santa-hat is off to these guys. Plus, I like their dynamic.

I often snark on the big papers and some of the elitism I find there (See recent cookie recipe post, oh, and enough with the ballet coverage, already!). But do you think your local TV news station is going to find the time to produce this mini-documentary and give up 7 minutes to air it? Think again. You go, Gray Lady.

--Straight Guy

Ho-Moe Outed: Too Personal a Personal?

Straight Guy,

'Nuf said.

I don't know Moe. Or maybe I know more about him that I should.

Moe's position's been outed: True? Untrue? Good advertising?

SG, I suspect sexual position is something your peeps don't have to think about much. I've said this before, but preferences like this between partners pale compared to savers v. spenders, morning people v. night owls.

--Gay Guy

Raindrops on Roses and Soap on a Rope: GG/SG Favorite Things

Readers,

Gay Guy is already dashing through the snow on his holiday break. But before he left, we ranked a traditional list of "guy gifts" to see how they would fall in our quad graphs.

Obviously, Christmas came early in the form of the Don't Ask Don't Tell repeal. And that was the only case where this graph "goes to 11."

Otherwise, please let us know what we missed. No, there's no "Hot Babe Calendar" on my side of the graph, but I'm not dead inside. I just have a wife and two daughters, so let's be real.

Gay Guy listed fancy shaving stuff pretty highly, but he also knows that I am not a fan of the Art of Shaving stores. Drug store shaving supplies are more than adequate, so don't fall into their trap, ladies! Yes. I am firmly convinced that 90 percent of the shoppers there are looking for gifts for boyfriends and husbands. Suckers.

Oh, yeah. I have a soft spot for Soap on a Rope. Who doesn't need a little bit of both? Soap now. Rope Later. That's a win/win. Haven't had one in years, though. Don't worry, I wouldn't wear it to work or anything. Or would I?

Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. All the best to you and yours, from Gay Guy and Straight Guy.

--Straight Guy

Further Fundraising Follies: To Friend or Not to Friend

Straight Guy,

More on the impact of fundraising appeals.

Like all cultural organizations, the theater where I have a subscription is financially stretched. Before the show last Sunday, the marketing manager came on stage to ask everyone to consider becoming a "friend" by making an end-of-year gift to help the theater meet a challenge grant.

The marketing manager was nice looking, and my gaydar went off with a confident clang. Once a guy sets off my gaydar, the next step is to check for visible signs of relationship status. No rings on marketing manager's hands. (Ring/no ring is not much data to work with, but when you are single, a clue's a clue.)

Marketing man was poised in the lobby after the performance. I am not good at effectively expressing my interest in other men, but, buoyed with pre-holiday spirit, I went up to him and struck up on conversation. My fumbling flirtations did not lead to anything solid, but he was friendly and there were lots of smiles. I called it a worthy attempt, then rejoined my friend, who was under-impressed with my efforts. She nudged me back over to marketing man. He and I had some more smiley conversation about how the challenge grant was going . . . and that was all.

So, do I give or not give based solely on my love of theater? Or do I exploit it, and send a check with a Post-it on it that says, more or less, "Hey, we talked on Sunday and I said I would make a gift and look here it is and you can call me to say thanks."

I'm not naive; I know that people who want you to make a gift are all smiles and interest. Lordy, at least those PBS appeals are free of sexual tension.

--Gay Guy