Straight Guy Public Service: Dirty Bikini Pictures

The Surfrider Foundation works to protect our oceans and beaches. They're out there on the sand and in the water, but they also have classroom education programs and public awareness campaigns. Great work all around.

Here's their timely campaign (planned pre-BP) on keeping our beaches pollution-free. These pin-up calendar photos are filthy! No, not the models -- the water and sand.

If any straight guys remain unaffected by news photos of turtles and pelicans covered in slimy crude, let them take a look at this, and see what's also at risk.

In terms of the greater tragedy in the Gulf, I'm at a loss, and constantly feeling like I should be doing something... other than being angry about it.

--Straight Guy

Viral Video: Sassy Gay Friend Strikes Again!

Straight Guy,

Remember the Sassy Gay Friend vid clips -- where SGF saves Shakespearean heroines from the doom of their own plot lines? Well, he's back, and he's taken on the original story. Yes, the Garden of Eden gets a plot makeover.

Best line: "Yah. Way."

We could have come up with this, SG. And now, there are a ton of imitators (rarely as funny as the Second City originators). Do a YouTube search for "sassy gay" if you must.

Not sure how long the meme will last...

--Gay Guy

Ad Watch: Translation Needed. Anyone Speak Gay/French/Puma?

What the...?

Is this in some kind of gay code that I just don't get? I'd assume this was purposely provocative, but isn't Orangina a major brand over there? C'est la vie, France. One step forward with the father/son McDonald's ad, two steps back with this.

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy's First Gay Wedding: Champagne? Yes. Bouquet? No.

Straight Guy,

Great job keeping things rolling with the blog last week. Thanks. I got home last evening and am looking forward to catching up.

Today was a big day for me -- I went to my first gay wedding! The District of Columbia legalized same-sex marriage a few months ago, and this is the first time that any of my friends walked down the aisle with the full muscle of the government behind them.

A great day! The wedding was wonderful -- a lovely church, beautiful music and the reassuring language of the Episcopal service. My friends were proper grooms. Most importantly, in addition to their friends, almost all of their family members were there, and everyone seemed comfortable and happy.

There wasn't anything about the service that was out of the ordinary. That was the point that the priest made: same-sex marriage, extraordinary; marrying the one you love, ordinary. Loved it.

If there was anything gay about the wedding, it was the reception. Me, standing around with a drink in my hand, sorting out who's cute, who's straight, who's single. Gay? Or are all wedding receptions like this? Felt more like a Friday night than a Saturday afternoon.

--Gay Guy

Ad Watch: Straight Guys Ruin Everything - International Edition

Readers,

I mentioned that Gay Guy is on vacation. Sorry if things have seemed a little straight around here. If you've missed his gentle wit, insight, and perspective, I'm sorry to inform you that today's topics include Mexican anti-fart medication and Russian strippers selling tires. Hurry back, GG.



Doesn't matter where you are, if someone is going to ruin the mood, it's going to be the straight guy, right? I've explored this theme before, but isn't there a small chance that this commercial might have been funnier and more unexpected if the woman was to blame? Or, is that too mean?

Sure, sometimes straight guys are responsible for foul emissions -- like this tire commercial from somewhere in the Cyrillic alphabet zone. Let's guess Russia. Warning: must be watched, but might be NSFW.



Buying tires is about the least sexy thing I can think of. This ad didn't change my perspective. Every single creative decision went wrong here. One crotch shot just wasn't enough? Were those intimidating ladies directed to duck under the flying tires or did they just decide to add that effect later? AND it's way too long... I think... let me rewind and double check... yes, too long. But so bad that I can't not watch.

Nice try, Russian tire manufacturers. You made those Victoria's Secret commercials directed by Michael Bay (explosions! knives! helicopters! Marissa Miller playing pool!) seem refined and subtle in comparison... I think... let me rewind and double check...

--Straight Guy

Straight Guy Hall of Shame: "31 Inches from Tip to Tip"

Readers,

You might look at this photo of the recent winner of the inaugural National Beard and Mustache Championships and see a man who has the drive and determination needed to achieve a tough, long-term goal. You might be right. [source: Mercury News]

But when I look, I also see a man who has completely given up... on getting laid.

He's been married for over 40 years, so that might not be his top concern. But, c'mon. Any ladies (or men) out there seriously tempted to grab hold of that thing and take a ride? Even if it was growing out of Ashton Kutcher?

His wife claims that it hasn't affected their intimacy, but also admits that they can't dance (metaphor alert!) without "impaling her eyeball." Given the fact that this guy loses almost an hour a day to maintain this abomination, I think we have a pretty good sense of where his priorities are. That's a lot of mirror time for a man.

I'm rarely clean-shaven and certainly not anti-stache. I support the good work that the "Movember" mustache folks do to raise money and awareness for men's health issues. Maybe GG and I will participate this fall with our own mustache contest.

But I think this guy is stretching the very definition of mustache -- most of that monstrosity is growing out of his cheeks. We might need a Rollie Fingers intervention and/or beatdown here.

--Straight Guy

GG is on vacation this week. San Francisco if you must know (or couldn't guess). I hope he's having a good time, and that I don't get another desperate, late-night, collect call from a Western Union office in Mission Bay like last time. Check his tweets (and SFPD's web site) for updates.

Gay, Straight, or Something Else?: Fancy Robot Bed

"The four figures at the corners represent women of France, Spain, Italy and Greece. With clever mechanisms, the statues were able to wink and wave fans and fly whisks." Source

Can't nail this one down. Only a lonely straight guy could brainstorm the idea of getting fanned to sleep by nude, winking, robot ladies. But there's also an over-the-top fabulousness to the execution, what with all that rococo trim and a "music box that played a thirty minute interlude from Gounod's Faust."

--Straight Guy

Straight Guy Hall of Shame: Is That Your Coccyx, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Gay Guy,

Here are a few sample pages of the new promo calendar from the EIZO medical imagery company. Classy.

Where does one purchase four-inch stiletto heels that are impervious to radiation?

In a recent post on catcalling, I claimed to have never stooped to that level. Allow me one moment of indulgence... Check out the scapula structure on Miss April!

Courtesy of Advertolog, a wiki for print and video advertising. You can blame a German ad agency for this concept.

Why am I suddenly craving baby back ribs?

--Straight Guy

Varla Jean Merman, I Love You

Straight Guy,

One of the best things about summer in Provincetown is checking out the musical and comic talent. The two talents combine deliciously in Varla Jean Merman. It's worth a trip to Ptown just to catch her act. I'd take you along, but the very thought of you in Ptown fuels my paranoia that you, not I, would get hit on.

Varla Jean's website tells all. Note of real caution: While I am thrilled that ManHunt is sponsoring her tour, the ManHunt link in the upper right corner is strictly NSFW. I mean it. It's a gay hook up site. The site is very effective. But, NSFW, not safe for kids (and that still means you, Dani), not safe for marriages/partnerships.

What's different for me about Varla Jean is that Jeff Roberson, her creator doesn't perform her, he inhabits her. She's like a real person, not a caricature. What do I mean? There's a consistency about her mannerisms, voice inflections and glances that are just like those you recognize in a friend. The giggle, the little squeak, the sound of utter satisfaction she makes when a cocktail goes down her throat -- at least the amount that doesn't go down the front of her dress. They form a real personality. It's not that he just puts something on to be come Varla Jean, it's that he let something out. I'm not very good at describing these things; you have to see it for yourself.

Sadly, I don't think that the YouTube vids do her justice. You have to see her in person. However, the vid for the W Hotel, Boston, created for Boston Pride Weekend, comes pretty close. I hope you enjoy it half as much as I do. I've watched it at least six times, and I am still giggling over it.

--Gay Guy

Straight Guy FYI: Hey Baby, Wanna Play?

Gay Guy,

Let me start by assuring you and our readers that I am not a catcaller. Never have been.

Do I ever notice attractive women? Of course. But give them a spontaneous shout out? For a million reasons, no.

So, let's quickly agree that taunting unfamiliar women with unsolicited commentary is harassment. Let's also agree that the harassers are both immature and insecure. If only there were a way to quickly correct their behavior, re-educate them... or kill them outright.

This is the premise of the Hey Baby videogame. It's a first-person-shooter revenge fantasy where rude comments from men are answered with semi-automatic gunfire from women. Blood splatters the screen and the hecklers' gravestones rise out of the pavement, their ill-considered last words preserved for eternity.

From the game's website: "Ladies, are you sick and tired of catcalling, hollering, obnoxious one-liners and creepy street encounters? Tired of changing your route home to avoid uncomfortable situations? IT'S PAYBACK TIME, BOYS....."

The technology is a little out of date, but it's not so much about gameplay as it is social commentary.

Here's a review from the New York Times, calling it a "provocative, important work of interactive art."

The people who should really play Hey Baby are men, even if you have never said a word to a woman you didn’t know on the street. ... The game never ends. I found myself throwing up my hands and thinking, “Well what am I supposed to do?” ... I doubt any noninteractive art form could have given me as visceral an appreciation for what many women go through as part of their day-to-day lives.

On the game's site, you can see a video preview, or play a sample scene. The actual XBox and PlayStation discs are "sold out due to popular demand." Go figure.

--Straight Guy