Gay Rights Epicenter Named Historic Site

Straight Guy,

Sometimes a house is not just a house. . . and even more than a home.

In Washington, D.C., the historic sites powers-that-be just named the home of Frank Kameny, the "Father of Gay Activism" an historic site. The Washington Post coverage was nice, but barely scratches the pioneering work of Dr. Kameny, now 83. I am thrilled that this happened while he is alive and well.

A fast overview of why we should all be grateful for his life and for the work that went on in his home: From this site, Kameny worked tirelessly as a community organizer to press for the end of discrimination against gay men and lesbians. Kameny played a leading role in reversing both the law and public opinion regarding:

• denial of security clearances to homosexuals,
• removal of homosexuals from the military,
• denial of employment by the federal Civil Service Commission,
• the criminalization of homosexuality and homosexual practices,
• entrapment and harassment by police and other civil authorities, and
• classification of homosexuality as psychiatric disorder
  

SG, I know this is more of a gay issue, but it's historic and I know you agree that civil rights victories for one are civil rights victories for all.

Update: Monday, March 2
See a nice post on the topic on the blog, The New Gay. It's a post today, you just have to scroll down a bit to get to it. Well worth the read. The New Gay is a good blog, specific to Washington, D.C., but full of good general posts.
--GG

--Gay Guy

Straight vs. Gay: Getting Ready to Go Out

Fellow blogger John wants to know...

Ok, here's a question: how long does it take each of you guys to get ready to go out somewhere?

STRAIGHT GUY Responds:

The sad truth: dirty jeans and a ball cap can have me on the street in a moment's notice. And no, we don't really think we're fooling anyone with this routine.

Straight guys can also make a quick getaway if our clothes have been dry cleaned. Garanimals for grown-ups. Mix and match, coordinate belt and shoes. Shower, shave, and in my best suit in 15 minutes.

It's the stuff in the middle that gives me trouble. Too many choices. But, I do iron all of my clothes myself. It takes me a long time, but I do a good job. A nice polo sweater is a great friend to the straight guy, slightly fancy without all the fuss. Great choice, unless you have a moob situation. (Look it up.)

GAY GUY Responds:

To work: One hour from feet hitting the floor to feet hitting the sidewalk. 30 minutes more if the news is really juicy. That covers news, making the bed, breakfast, shower, shave, dress, hunt for keys and cell phone.

Go out to see friends, probably 30 minutes.

Most of the time is spent doing things that I suddenly find urgent, such as checking my bank balance, while I have shaving cream on my face.

__________________________________________

Readers: How long does it take you to get ready? Click "comments" below.

The Kindest or Unkindest Cut?

Gay Guy,

Here's a link to a recent essay on circumcision. Poor guy, no-win situation.

The decision of whether to circumcise our son became, therefore, a referendum on my own foreskin. All my anti-circumcision arguments—the barbarity of the procedure, the theory that it lessens sexual sensitivity—withered in the face of one multiply confirmed assertion: Foreskin is weird. Women think so. Men think so. The majority of circumcised America—itself is a majority—thinks so. I was hopelessly outnumbered.

Did he cave too easily? Don't know. But he's not wrong. Americans just accept the status quo without thinking. And honestly, the more we think, the harder the decision becomes. It has much less to do with religious or health concerns, than it does with blindly following tradition, not questioning current social norms, and most importantly, avoiding locker room ridicule and backseat rejection. Shallow? Maybe. But you can't say it's inconsequential.

How do I put this delicately, GG? I ask you about this because, well, when it comes to these details, you understand, er, um, both sides, that is to say, oy, in economic terms, the supply AND demand, as it were. Yeesh.

And here's another reason the dialogue fails: This straight guy is uncomfortable and already done with this topic.

Readers?

--Straight Guy

Straight Guy Style

Straight Guy,

Well, your people are everywhere now, aren't they? Getting into our gay stuff.

I found this straight guy Oscar fashion commentary by Straight Steve.

Is this a pretty fair straight guy take on the ladies?

--Gay Guy

Gay/Straight Advice: Crushing on Best Friend

Question from a reader:

My best friend and I (he's straight, I am gay, and we're both 21) have been friends for about 7 years, during those years we've spent a lot of time together.We've hung out pretty much every day and for the one year that we were roommates we were together pretty much every waking hour.

There's nothing sexual about it, we just have a lot in common, we'd watch hockey games, play video games and indulge in reality TV mostly. I am the gay one, I only recently came out to him and he was cool with it (which slightly surprised me considering I remember him being quite homophobic throughout our youth).

However there's one thing I can't tell him, that I have pretty much fallen head over heels in love with him. I really don't know what to do, he's straight -- very straight -- so there's obviously no chance for me, but how do I...I don't know...stop being in love with him? I've been told to distance myself from him, to find new friends and build new healthy gay relationships but I could never do that. He's my best friend and I don't want that to end. I still want to hang out and do the crap we always do.

It just hurts being with him and knowing that I have such strong feelings for this guy and he will never feel the same. I can't even imagine how much of a wreck I'll be when he finds a girlfriend, it hurts just thinking about it. I know, he's my best friend and I should want him to be happy (and I do). It just sucks that his happiness goes hand in hand with my heartbreak. Sure there are plenty of other fish in the sea, but Ijust can't imagine myself with anyone else, I don't see how it could be the same. I mean I've formed a strong connection with this person for the past 7 years, how could I hope to recreate that with some guy I meet at a bar? I am sure you guys have heard this a thousand times before, the gay guy falls for his straight friend, but I really just don't know what to do. It's the worst feeling: loving someone who will never love you. I would really appreciate hearing your take on this, thanks guys.

GAY GUY RESPONDS:

Thanks for writing in.

Loving someone who can't respond in the way that you so very much want is hard and painful, I know. (Trust me, I really, really know.)

Sounds like your friendship has a lot going for it and that you are both invested in it, especially that he's been supportive of you and still comfortable in his close friendship with you since you've come out to him.

And it sounds like you have some good friends who are offering you good advice. But, I don't think it is an either/or situation. I agree that you should make some new gay friends and build some healthy relationships (which don't have to be romantic or sexual, they can be friendships, too). That doesn't necessarily mean you have to "break up" with your friend or can't be close to him, or that you need to distance yourself from him. Of course you want to still hang out and do all the things you enjoy doing. Makes perfect sense. But, I think you would benefit from adding some other dimensions and people to your life. You don't have to make him less important, just make yourself and new chances equally important.

It's good that you are thinking about preparing yourself for his finding a romantic relationship. I don't have any great advice there, except that best friends want the best for each other, and so you need to think about how you can deal with that.

You have the ability to form a long lasting friendship -- that's no small feat. I can say that over time I appreciate more and more my good friendships (that's you, Straight Guy!).

Most of all, please give a gay guy a chance. We aren't just 'fish in the sea' or 'some guy in a bar.' We're people. No, you won't recreate your relationship with your friend, but you'll make a new one that's unique and special.

Sounds like your friendship might need some more air. Clean up a river, volunteer at a soup kitchen, tutor a kid. It will help, believe me.

Let us know how it turns out over time.

Over to you Straight Guy. . .. .

STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS:

"His happiness goes hand in hand with my heartbreak." Ug. More drama.

Count yourself as lucky. You came out to your long-time friend and he stood by you. Let the high school homophobia go. Many nice guys have grown out of that (maybe me?). Some eventualy come out themselves.

It hurts, but you seem sure that he's straight. If so, you have to let it go. Stay friends if you can. Keep playing video games and watching trash TV. Your crush doesn't have to ruin everything, but it will if you talk about it too much or take it too seriously. It's not really a gay/straight thing, people fall in love with others they can't have all the time. That's universal heartbreak, right?

I shouldn't have to say this. But you're 21, probably haven't been out very long, so your options are NOT limited to choosing between your straight best friend and gay bar pickups. If your friend has never had a girlfriend and you've never had a boyfriend in seven years, then you both need to expand your social circles. Seriously. You'll stop being in love with him when you're in love with someone else. And you better start hoping he gets some soon, too. That's what friends do. You probably know more straight women than he does (and have better communication skills, too). So hook him up immediately so that the "moving on" can begin.

Too bad he probably can't return the favor (his gay contacts are probably limited to you alone). But, still, give him credit for being a good, long-term, low-drama, friend who you can trust with the truth (most of it). That's pretty hard to find.

--Straight Guy

You, Too, Dustin

And, congrats to Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black for his Oscar.

He gave a beautiful and moving acceptance speech with a lot of message. (He's a writer, of course it was great.)

Watch it.

Read an excerpt.

--Gay Guy

Congrats, Sean

Congrats to Sean Penn for his Oscar for playing Harvey Milk in "Milk." A great performance competing with great performances by other actors.

In accepting the award, Penn's remarks slammed those who voted for Prop 8. Watch it. Straight but not narrow. Rock it, Sean.
--Gay Guy

Gay / Straight Advice: Another Bro No-No

Pulled from recent comments: One reader's "Bros before Hos" scenario:

I don't think there is that much wrong with the bros before hos thing, I mean, obviously you wouldn't take it to some extreme, but it works and makes sense when it comes to certain situations. For example:

I had two really good friends, Johnny and Kyle, and the three of us were really close. Self proclaimed "brothers." But when Johnny got a girlfriend, Kayla, times that the three of us had planned to hang out, he would call or text us after he was supposed to be there and say that he was with his girlfriend and would either be really late, or that he was going to have to cancel on us. Kyle was dating someone and he didn't do any of the stuff that Johnny pulled.

Johnny would invite his girlfriend over to Kyle's house when he was there, he would be in the middle of hanging out with us and then get a text from her saying she wanted to see him and he would go. He wouldn't tell her that he was already busy, he would just go. And it's not like they never saw each other, whenever he wasn't with us, he was with her. They lived only a few blocks apart. We started seeing him less and less until finally he stopped hanging out with us completely.

[Straight guy edit: And then a lot of drama happened... See Brian's detailed backstory here.]

Johnny ended up breaking up with his girlfriend, and tried to be friends with us again. He told us that he was in love with Kayla and that he was just doing what she wanted so she would stay with him. Now I'm sorry but that is bullshit. You don't do that to your friends just for a girl. Needless to say we didn't take him back.

After having been through all that, Bros before Hos is not a bad thing. Again, you don't need to do it to any extreme, you don't need to reject a girl for your friends, be sensible about it but it's not definitely not a bad thing.

Straight Guy said...

Wow, Brian, thanks for the response. I'm not sure I processed it all.

But you're making my point. Too much drama negates a good friendship. A good friendship DECREASES the overall drama of life. It's there when you need it and welcomes you back if you've drifted away for a while.

Yes cheating and false accusations are bad things. Maybe some of those folks were bad people. But you're all living in a soap opera. Hurry and get out.

Balance is healthy. But any sane person will easily rank the pursuit of a solid, long-term relationship above "hanging out." Sorry. The normal libido of young straight guys (if they have opportunity and adequate social skills) also makes these priorities crystal clear. Help your friends get some, or at least get out of the way.

Gay Guy said...

I sort-of have a version of a 'bros before' story in my past. I did the classic thing that I've heard my female friends complain about when their friends do it.

Women hate it when their female friends drop them when a new guy is hot in the picture. They get unavailable in terms of time and conversation topics. When things go sour or end, the female friend is back looking for the compassion of the herd.

The life lesson is balance.

I did not keep my balance with my first boyfriend post college. I got swept up in the current, and really deserted my good friend/room mate. I was never around anymore. Yes, that's the way love's journey takes people. But, I wish I'd kept more balance. (First clue was that I felt homesick for my own apartment.) Maybe if things with that guy had worked out, I would have a different view of things.

So, should I have put my bro first? Maybe. Should I have had more balance between my bro and my (it's all too true to call him a) 'ho? Absolutely.

Two thoughts, Brian:

Sounds like your gang was really fused to each other. Is it something you want to repeat?

Call Johnny for a beer. You won't regret it. I believe he was indeed under the spell of an enchantress. He's probably gained a lot of perspective over time. It will be good for both of you.

Stimulus Package

Straight Guy,

Stimulus Package.

I like saying it. I like hearing newscasters say it.

Stimulus Package.

I'm not talking about the $50 a month.

I just wanted to say that.

Thank you.

--Gay Guy

Tears and Tiaras for Gay Guys

Straight Guy,

George Mason University, located outside of Washington, D.C., has elected a student who is gay and a drag performer as its Homecoming Queen. Read a story. A fresh twist on a tired tradition.

I always found that being gay was the best excuse to avoid such traditions as Homecoming. The problem with cultural trailblazers is that they leave the rest of us no place to hide out.

--Gay Guy