Straight Guy Hall of Shame: Summertime Edition

In case you can't tell, this is Toilet Seat Horseshoes, one of the least sanitary games ever invented.

Notice the lanyard and credentials, important because you absolutely cannot allow the riffraff into these competitions. Security is tight.

I assumed this was a straight guy, but just noticed he's blinged out on pinky rings. Getting a hit on your gaydar, GG? Either way, no wedding ring. Shocker.

--Straight Guy

Good Try, Mr. Chips

More e-mail that came in while I was on Gaycation:

Gay Guy,

It's Mrs. Straight Guy here. I don't usually interject in the blog, but I need some insight into Straight Guy.

I missed you at the last Poker Night. As you know, when Straight Guy hosts Poker Nights, it's often a co-ed event. It's usually a fun evening, with expected offerings such as pizza, chips and beer. While I'm not a stereotypical house mom, I politely stay in the background to manage the kids. I like to give Straight Guy some semblance of a man's Poker Night, even with the wife and kids at home.

Here's my quandary: At the last Poker Night, only females showed up. It was a Poker Harem, if you will. So there was Straight Guy, not only hanging out at the Poker table with all the ladies, but also taking all of their chips. Some wives might worry about the female attention. Straight Guy and I are beyond insecurities like that. I worry more about the chip hoarding. Is Straight Guy in need of confidence boosting? Is he taking advantage of these unsuspecting guests? Or was it all just innocent newbies joining the game on the same night? What's really going on here?

--Mrs. Straight Guy

Dear Mrs. Straight Guy,

Always happy to hear from you.

I'm glad that you and Straight Guy don't have insecurities about peripheral female attention. In all the years that I've know SG, the only longing he's shown outside of his relationship with you has been with Best Buy, the Apple Store, and for a raspberry Danish that I had carelessly left in plain sight.

Regarding SG's winning streak: I'm voting that his luck was due to a harem of poker newbies. SG's a very good poker player, I'm sure, but we never get to see him strut his stuff. He's too nice to his guests: He posts the definitions of the hands, we play a few practice hands, he instructs and gives tips throughout the game. If he was hustling us, he would have made a noticeable dent in your mortgage by now.

Here's some personal perspective: I'm not good at poker. I don't win often, and sometimes even when I do take a hand, I don't even know it until SG slides the chips over to me. (It's a little shaming to need someone to explain why you're the winner.)

But, a few months ago, I had an incredible poker night. I couldn't stop winning. It was like stepping into a movie, right down to cradling my forearms around all the chips and sliding them into my stash. Mine, mine, mine. Just like in the movies.

Winning gave me a real testosterone surge. Very primal. I felt like a caveman who had just bagged a wild boar to feed his cave family through the long winter. So if I felt like thumping my chest and grunting, imagine how SG might feel inside.

I don't think Straight Guy's confidence is in need of boosting from poker chips, but I do think he's entitled to more Alpha Male moments than the 21st century provides any of us.

--Gay Guy

"Do Your Believe that Marraige Should Only Take Place Between. . . CLICK"

Readers,

My mail box filled up while I was away on vacation. Here's a few of the e-mails.

Straight Guy and I received an interesting e-mail from frequent commenter and fellow blogger, Kathryn. Interesting that it came at the same time of California's Prop 8 decision.

Kathryn writes:

"A little FYI: I just got a call from 202.461.3460.

It was an automated poll. Asked if I was registered to vote in NY. (Yes.)

Asked "Do you believe that marriage should only take place between a man and a wo---"

CLICK.

(I hung up)

Obviously, I had a feeling what was coming. . . . "

Kathryn, thanks for being quick with the click.

--Gay Guy

Straight Guys Delaying Economic Rebound

Video from Onion News.

--Straight Guy

Going for Broke -- Morally and Financially

Straight Guy,

Wouldn't it just be better for the health of the State of California if Californians just focused on their budget crisis, and left same-sex marriage alone?

--Gay Guy

The Family Circus Has Subtext?!?!

Wow. I can't be the only one who noticed this and did a double-take. The cleavage, the pole, the money, the raised heel, the near embrace...

Is Bil Keane's marriage in trouble or something? It's just so off-note for this strip. And, hey, is that other woman inspecting the china or Bill's booty?

I scan the comics daily for a few favorites and a few strips that I loathe but can not ignore. I know, I know. Why torture myself? I have no reasonable answer for why I continue to follow Family Circus and Sally Forth. (More on the soul-sucking Sally Forth soon.)

I guess this is why. Go on with your bad self, Mack Daddy Bill.

Praying we get part 2 of this tomorrow...

--Straight Guy

Gaycation

Readers,

Straight Guy gave me a lift to the airport on Friday to help me begin my Memorial Day Weekend getaway to visit a friend. He inquired about our plans. I said that I knew we were going to an art exhibit and having brunch.

SG gave me a slow burn look.

"Oh," he said. "Gaycation."

Was it the brunch?

--Gay Guy

P.S.: Straight Guy: We are going to a baseball game this afternoon. Do I get any straight cred for that?

Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Flings and Little Gays

Check out the embedded ads for the Mars Fling candy bar and something called Europride (educate me, GG).

If there's "a little gay in everyone," mine was on display last night in my white-knuckled viewing of the American Idol final results show. My pick, Adam Lambert, obviously deserved to win, but didn't get the votes. At least he was spared the tragedy of having to continue performing "No Boundaries," this year's metaphor-loaded victory ballad. Kris, the new Idol, actually apologized for winning. Good luck to them both. Nice guys with their own GG/SG dynamic.

Back to the ads... WTF? More examples of how straight guys can't win. The clumsy buffoon in the top ad never stood a chance against a candy bar. In advertising, women are always more aroused by chocolate or shampoo than they are by the men standing right next to them. And, yes, it IS naughty when each packet contains two "fingers" for you to enjoy.

As for the second ad, in my book "a little gay" is a Kenneth Cole purchase or man-crushing on old Steve McQueen movies. I'll own up to both. But, there's nothing "little" about elaborate, full-drag, cabaret performance fantasies. Still, I get it. All in good fun... until his wife comes home early from work one afternoon.

Readers: Anything "a little gay" in you? Do your prefer chocolate to anonymous sexual encounters with schlubby dudes in public places? What's wrong with you?

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy is Back Online!

Straight Guy:

After a silly amount of downtime, Gay Guy is back online. It turns out that my cable provider and my computer share the blame, and that their mutual finger-pointing may have been justified: There was a minor adjustment required of my cable modem and I needed a new wireless router. Cable paid a 5-minute-long visit to me and I paid two visits to the computer store (once because I didn't have my stuff together). As an aside, the young 'un at the Mac genius desk was sooo adorable. And so young. And so clever.

I managed to persevere through to resolve both issues without you, SG. I hope that's okay. Given my techno lack of interest, pushing through on my own is something of a challenge and thus something of an accomplishment. I rely too much on you for technical assistance. Mostly, I succeed at being quite independent in my life, but technology is a place where I want someone, specifically you, to take care of me, to just do it for me. I don't think it's a gay guy/straight guy stereotype, I think it's just the place where I don't have enough brain space.

Do straight men have places they just want to be taken care of? I don't mean wanting their girlfriend/wife to be their mommy, too, like my dad, who needs his three meals and ironed clothes taken care of. I mean in a more internal way. Like me just wanting to subcontract technology decisions to you.

Back to technology: As a general rule, I think that gay men are early adopters when it comes to technology. And a lot of other things, too. Lots of I-phones and ridiculously Star Trek-like phone doodles in their ears at all times. Do we just have more time to notice and think about what's new?

A true story: Several years ago, a gay acquaintance ripped me a new one for lolling about town without my cell and then without a Blackberry. Like I should always be available -- for social planning. "Why, you might not be able to be part of multiple rounds of phone calls required to choose what movie to go to. You might even miss out on the movie altogether," he said. Like part of my responsibilities as a gay man to be available. BTW, if it takes more than two calls to choose a restaurant or movie, I drop out: Somebody make a choice and I'll go along, or I'll happily resign for the evening and see you another time. Life, at least mine, cannot be so decision-laden.

Back to that conversation, which obviously made a huge impression on me: I still remember his final and trump reason for my needing a cell phone on me at all times: "What if I was going to Spain for a long trip, or even moving there, and a guy I was interested in called at the last minute to tell me that he was interested in me, too. What if I moved away without knowing that?" It's a paraphrase, but a pretty accurate one. I kid you not.

My answer was that it would be better for me to not know and thus not spend time obsessing and revisiting the topic. Learning at the final moment would make me resent the guy for not coughing up his feelings faster when I could act upon them. Worse it would keep me/slow me down from enjoying senors galore in Espana. And, to state the obvious, that I was not moving to Spain.

I reject the common theory among advertisers that gays have more disposable income and thus more inclination to consume. I know it's true, but I think it just puts us in the silly flit, presentation obsessed, drawn to the bright shiny object camp. That we just indulge every whim. I like to be taken more seriously than that. I like to, say, look nice and travel well, but being comfortable and wearing something that looks good on me is more important than being captive to, say, vertical stripes.

--Gay Guy

So Many Options, So Little Time

Gay Guy,

I've captured the two ads that Google keeps pushing on me today (see above). I think their demographics might be a little off. These ads were appearing in multiple feeds, so it must have been something I said, or searched for.

So I've been ID'd as a man of established success, with sugar daddy potential, but on death's doorstep. Has there ever been a more desirable combination?

Memo to Established Men copywriter: Kudos on packing maximum skank into a tiny wordcount. Extra points for using "girls." The commitment to ALL CAPS seals the deal.

--Straight Guy