Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Progressive or Subversive?

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Gay Guy, just confirm this for me. Two casually posed 19th century gentlemen who are "ahead of their time," plus the "Progressive" headline = gays buy car insurance now. Right?

I'm not just a hopeless straight guy, am I? I don't speak Gay Latin, but this is it, right? It's what's unsaid that speaks the loudest.

I'd like to think that I'm ahead of my time, but now I'm not so sure. Bring me up to speed. If corporate America is about to begin producing gay marketing that only barely hints at the true demographic target, I'll have to start paying attention. (Although for a lower insurance premium I'll admit to about anything: "I only use it once a week to drive to Banana Republic and back.")

Or have I just been missing it for a while? Wait a minute, is that how I ended up with Kenneth Cole loafers?

Not that gays don't deserve the attention and any better deals that may come your way. Of all sexual orientation demographic groups, gay guys have the most disposable income. By far. And now you know that The Man is out to get it.

Am I the only one who remembers the less ambiguous Schmidt's Gay campaign?

--Straight Guy

Flirting With Disaster?

Readers,

A reader sent this e-mail a few days ago in response to the April 4 discussion about gay men hitting on straight men.

Hello Guys!

Thanks for opening this discussion.

I am a gay may who flirts openly [with] the straight men in my life. It is interesting that they don't reject my flirtations.

My thinking is that straight men don't get this kind of attention & it feels really nice to be on the receiving end of desirability. For the most part it never gets past the flirtation stage. However, there have been a couple of occasions when it did. Both times it was w/ guys that I've been flirting w/ for months.

As is always the case, I extend an open invitation to these breeders to sexually service them at any point in time that they may feel the need. The one caveat is that it be kept between us (no wives/girlfriends must know) & that it not change a thing between us outside of the physical intimacy experience.

Although I know that 2 hardly makes for a case study... it is the case that the 2 caveats held & all's well w/ us.

All I can say is that our correspondent has fewer inhibitions and/or more adventurous friends than I. Or that his friends are working out some issues. No judgment, only an observation.

I've not come even remotely close to the kinds of experiences our reader can pull off. A few years after college, I muttered "Fuck me" to a guy who had set me hundreds of points in a card game. He then expressed way too much interest in whether I actually wanted it. Masking under feigned humor, but it was clear to my gaydar that I'd scratched a nerve. I think the divorce that he was going through had layers of causes. In retrospect, I think I was stirring the pot when I had my excited utterance.

And, I did end up playing some surprisingly extended footsie with a straight friend of a friend once or twice. We ended up sharing a king size bed in a beach house for a weekend, but any chance of follow through switched off along with the bedside lamps. As a side note, that guy cleaned a bathroom like a white tornado. I bowed before his bleach-blotched greatness.

Both those incidents took place right after college. That was a while ago. I can't imagine any of the straight guys I know now following through with any flirtation I might toss their way. That would be because they are straight. Could I flirt a bit with them? Maybe a bit. Not in a seductive way, but in an appreciative way, if that makes a difference. But nothing beyond appreciation. It would make them really uncomfortable. Me, too. And I couldn't do it due to their wives/girlfriends.

I know that I've slept with some married guys -- the law of averages tell me so. Go online, say to Craigslist, and you will find a surprising number of married men in town and away from their wives who want to experiment or follow up on desires they have packed away in their regular lives. When I read their posts, I feel sad for them and especially for the wives back home. I think this makes me very old fashioned.

I'm really interested that our reader's been able to pull off a sexual encounter with two straight friends that didn't change anything between them. I can't pull that off, even with a gay bud.

Straight Guy? Readers? Any comments?

--Gay Guy

Checking Our Equipment

Esquire has posted a list of 31 things every man should own. A little bit of everything from chainsaws to "Joy of Cooking." But they put it in an annoying web-slideshow to maximize their ad views. Be patient.

I came in at about 23 or 24 (who has custom fitted boots?).

Maybe it was a little straight-focused, but how did you do, GG? And what of your essentials were not on the list? (Didn't see anything from the 2xist line.)

--Straight Guy

Gay/Straight Sniff and Mate

Straight Guy,

Here's a new study about women's sense of smell. It reveals that women are better at catching the scent of body odor than men. Really? This is new research? Ask any teenage boy in America about his mother, her sense of smell, and his armpits, and he'll tell you that this is not new research.

The point of the research is that not even a liberal dousing of fragrance could mask B.O. for women, while men get lost in the cologne zone. Seriously, this is important stuff because researchers surmise that the biological data floating around in sweat helps women choose good mates.

Here's where it gets interesting to me. The same research institute published research about gay men and scent in 2005, which suggested that gay men prefer the odor of other gay men. Finding your sexual partner, not matter your orientation, has a basis in biology.

I like the way a man smells. As long as he smells good. Good, meaning clean. A little air. Some soap. Some sun. I'm easy.

--Gay Guy

Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Sex Sells

Cheeseburger = Straight Sex.

Soccer = Gay Sex.

Both Ads SFW.

--Straight Guy

Guys Gone Wild = Guys Gone Gay

Straight Guy,

Great post on April 3 about whether a double standard is applied if guys experiment sexually vs. when gals do.

Here's my gay point of view:

When girls bump it up with each other on Girls Gone Wild, dance suggestively, touch each other's hair, no one thinks it's a defining moment. Specific to Girls Gone Wild, it's for the attention. They know it's being filmed. In the real world, I don't know if there is any scientific evidence, but based on women I know it's not all that uncommon for them to experiment sexually a few times with another woman then come back to the straight nest.

But, if a guy has a sexual fling with another guy, it's just a matter of time before he's gay all the way. If I heard of a guy who decided to have an evening of man-on-man sex "just to see what it was like," I'd be counting the days until he was gay. It just doesn't happen. Okay, I know there are guys who are truly bisexual, but that's a really small number. Experimenting sexually with each other is not something straight men do. The only experimenting is the reverse -- when gay men have sex or emotional relationships with women. They are either hoping against hope or making a last check before they give in to being gay.

I'd love a TV show with a bunch of young guys rubbing shirtless chest, grinding crotches, and flossing each others teeth. Love it. But, I don't expect it would have the real in reality.

Double standard that guys don't get to experiment? Yes. But, I don't think that men's sexuality works that way.

--Gay Guy

Readers: Let Straight Guy and me know about sexual experimentation. Leave us a comment.

Gay / Straight Advice: Sleepover Secrets

A question from a reader:

So here's the deal, I do not have any gay friends and I am stuck in a really bad situation right now that is life changing. I do not have anyone to turn to. That's why I am writing because, as you will see later, it could make it worse if I tell someone else in my circle, based on this experience alone.

I am a 28-year-old guy who just came out to a really good straight guy friend while drunk last weekend. I've had girlfriends in the past, that's why my friends don't even suspect me of being gay. This friend even told me that it never crossed his mind.

He told me that he is comfortable with it and that he respects me more for telling him. I've known my friend (27) for about three years. We were really good friends.

My mistake: I told him my true feelings about him, even though I knew he was straight and has a girlfriend. I wish I had never done this because, knowing this great guy, he would have accepted me being gay. I think telling him that I liked him crossed the line. He constantly told me in the past that he can't have any "girl-friends" because these girls end up wanting to be his girlfriend.

I had a sleep-over at his place and before I went to bed, he told me not to feel embarrassed the next day or feel stupid after the alcohol is gone. He is totally comfortable with the whole thing and he now likes it better that it is clear. He thought something was weird when I was unusually nicer to him, like he was my girlfriend or something for many years.

The next day, everything was normal. Before I left, I told him that I felt awkward after my revelation last night.

He basically just reassured me that he is comfortable with the whole thing. He repeated everything that he said the last night, which makes me think that he was not that drunk. He told me that we are closer after that night.

His girlfriend arrived a couple hours later from the Caribbean.

It's only been three days and I noticed a shift in his approach to me. He is clearly avoiding me.

Is the relationship salvageable? I can't lose a really good friend. I don't know what to do...

GAY GUY RESPONDS:

I feel for you, I really do. Unrequited loves sucks. That's a universal truth about the human condition. Regarding your specific situation, you need to get out of your self for a while. And turn down the volume on the drama.

Here's how I hear what happened. First of all, your friend sounds great. I can see why you have intense feelings for him. He's sensitive, thoughtful, aware of your feelings, and capable of true friendship. What's not to like? No, he can't love you in the way you want him to. But he didn't push you away, he tells you he's glad it came out into the open, he told you that's he's comfortable, and that you are even closer now that the truth is out there. Trust me, this is as good as gets when you come out --both with your sexual identity and with your feelings--to someone who isn't in the same place that you are.

You say you "were" friends. No --you ARE friends. At least if YOU want to be friends. You ask if the friendship is salvageable. Salvageable? What's broken? As you describe the story, you're the one making it hard. Definitely on yourself, maybe on him, too? I just don't hear "unsalvageable" from his actions. You seem to be basing your fears on the fact that he's not been so available in the three days that his girlfriend is back in town. I think he's been, shall we say, catching up with her. I know if my sugar plum was back from va-cay I'd be making up for lost time. I doubt he's avoiding you, I think he's busy.

All this is to say that you desperately need to turn down the interior drama. If you don't, you are going to kill the friendship. It's all on you, my friend. He's not putting you in a bad situation, you are putting your self in one. He's done a great job of showing up. Can you show up and be happy with what he has to offer, which, can I repeat for the 20th time, sounds like a lot.

You already know what to do -- you put it out there in the first sentence. You need some gay friends and outlets. Please, please go online or open a phone book and look for some gay resources. I recommend a discussion or support group. I'm not suggesting you stop having feelings for him, you just need to settle down so you don't blow a good friendship.

STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS:

There are two issues here. First, you came out for the first time and are nervous. That's OK, good for you. Sounds like you trust this friend, so good decision. (Follow GG's advice on the coming out issues.)

But, whoops, you also told him that he's the guy for you. You made a late-night move while his girlfriend was out of town. That's a little skanky, dude. Were you hoping against hope that he was in the same bind, just waiting to also come out? Any signals to that effect? Doesn't really matter, because this part isn't really a gay issue. You're in love with someone who can't love you back. That happens to just about everyone, gay or straight, at some point. Rejection hurts, and it's not easy for the person who has to do it, either.

Will it be awkward for a while? Probably.

Can the long-term friendship be salvaged? Yes, but only if BOTH of you get back into a comfort zone. Of course you'll keep liking him, but you need to get to a place where you aren't constantly pining for him. He needs to see you in that light, too. So, if you still have a tiny hope for something more (I have a feeling), get over it. Try to do something with a group and get back to normal.

Give it time and take it easy on yourself. "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."

I love the detail where the girlfriend flies back from the Caribbean. Who does that entitled bee-yatch think she is, anyway? I hate her, too.

Hang in there.

Girls Gone Wild? OK . . . Guys Gone Wild? Gay.

Gay Guy,

Here's a story from the Canadian National Post.

A study, published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, found that society accords men less "sexual latitude" than women, deeming it abnormal for a man to be disinterested in sex, to engage in homosexual fantasy, and to engage in submissive sexual acts.

"The double standard used to give men more sexual freedom than women, but these findings indicate that the dynamic is changing" said Alex McKay, research coordinator for the Sex Information and Education Council of Canada. "Men are forced to abide by a certain gender role, while women are today more free to be themselves. In this sense, the standard actually works against the man."

The Daily Beast takes the argument to the next level: Sluts vs. Losers. Check the link for male and female perspectives on whether it's tougher to be labeled as (a) the guy who's not getting any, or (b) the girl who gets too much.

So, GG, let me ask about one small part of this. Do you think it is easier to be sexually "out there" or just plain "out" for women these days?

I remember stumbling inarticulately around this many posts ago when Lindsay Lohan was coming out (or at least admitting that she currently had a girlfriend). Yes, she seems a confused mess in many ways, but why do I automatically assume that maybe she's just experimenting with her sexuality when I wouldn't grant the same latitude to a guy?

These are current social norms, right?: Dudes on spring break can get drunk and make fools of themselves. But they can't go "Guys Gone Wild" on each other and blame it on the alcohol, music, or plain old experimentation. But girls can, and do, because the double standard is accepted and encouraged. Girls don't face long-term consequences for their gay behavior, unless they take the GGW check and end up on video.

Yes. Yes. Yes. It's understood that many girls who go "wild" only do so for the benefit of straight guys. I get it, maybe we still objectify and ultimately control the dynamic. But even so, we've made it safer for curious girls to figure out who they are, and haven't given that freedom to guys who might really need to figure some stuff out.

So, I guess my prejudice agrees with the research. I try to be open-minded, so go easy on me as I admit to owning a stereotype: Girls can experiment with their sexuality and easily come back to being straight, but if a guy crosses the same line he's labeled as not-straight... forever.

--Straight Guy

Readers, click "comments" below to let us know if you agree, or to try and change my mind. See Gay Guy's response here.

Rained In

Straight Guy,

What's going on here?

This evening, a friend and I passed a small park with a baseball diamond. There were two guys out there throwing a baseball. Playing catch. One on the pitcher's mound, the other on home plate. Just throwing the ball.

Did I mention it was raining? Baseball diamond turning into mud?

"They have something to talk about," said my friend, who is female and married.

"Huh?" said I.

"Yeah, they have something to talk about," she said. "So, they are out throwing a ball.

"They must really have something to talk about if they are out there in the rain," she said.

Straight Guy, is talking about what's on your mind --or deeper --worth standing out in the rain? Do you talk over catch? Toss the ball instead of talking for the same net effect?

I can hold in my feelings, too. But standing out in the rain? That's a different story.

What's up?

--Gay Guy

Straight Guy Gift Guide, Day 5: Dining Room Ping-Pong

Gay Guy,

Let's go halfsies on this. It's perfect for your dinner parties, and perfect for my after parties... An ornate black-lacquered dining room table with a floral centerpiece that, when turned, transforms it into a regulation ping-pong table. We both win.

You can tell this is a top-notch product because they suggest serving some sort of red wine in a champagne glass with your hamburger and fries. Then, you play ping-pong in your cocktail attire. Which Bond movie was that from?

Right now it's only available in Shanghai.

Shutting down the gift guide for a while until I stockpile another batch of this nonsense.

--Straight Guy