2007 Gay/Straight Story of the Year: Larry Craig

One of the embarrassing details Gay Guy knows about me is that I harbor a serious phobia of public restrooms. I received a top-notch education from public schools, but was left emotionally scarred by some restroom and locker room experiences which clearly violated the Geneva Convention. These were not overtly sexual situations, but both environments existed in a sort of post-apocalyptic lawlessness where all of society's standards faded away. In high school, I experienced the dread and terror of Cormac McCarthy's "The Road," delivered in several five-minute episodes each week.

Have you ever wandered into a public restroom and wondered about the graffiti, doorless stalls, and other inexplicable damage? I never wonder, because I somehow survived the filthy anarchy which can surprisingly be found only a cinderblock's width away from a perfectly sublime HomeEc lesson on muffin making. I have seen the biker gangs, zombie hordes, and flying monkeys who make these unwatched restrooms their home.

I may be exaggerating slightly about the biker gangs and muffins, but you get the idea.

Gay Guy carries a fraction of my baggage in this regard and because we work together, we have instituted safeguards similar to those in use at the executive branch of our government. In the same way that the President and Vice President are never allowed to simultaneously travel on Air Force One, Gay Guy and I will never use the men's room on our floor at the same time. If some unspeakable tragedy were to occur at 30,000 feet (or in our case, in stall #3), the continuity of leadership must be preserved.

All this is prelude to say that Senator Larry Craig is off his rocker. I can more easily imagine my leg mistakenly wandering into the Korean DMZ than I can imagine accidentally slipping my foot under a restroom partition and brushing up against someone else. The demarcations are that clear to me. In a public restroom, I am keenly aware of which parts of me are touching parts of anything else... I often flush with my shoe, for crying out loud.

Other than his wide stance, the other major claim he makes is that he also was unknowingly slipping his hand under the partition. Not in an effort to make contact with someone else, mind you, but, as all public servants should, to clean up scattered pieces of toilet paper -- of unknown origin -- with his bare hands.

As GG can attest, I am no neat freak. But... umm... please pass me that Purell. Thank you.

Gay Guy, here's the latest update on Craig from the Idaho Statesman. I'm not into outing anyone who wants to keep a secret, but what is up with this dude? Like Dumbledore, your team can have him if you want him, but I'm not sure he's a top pick... for either side.

Happy New Year.

--Straight Guy

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So if the bathroom at work is such an problematic place for both gay guy and straight guy, how do you manage the locker room at the gym?

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