Dog Days of Summer: Gay Guy Bites off More Than He Can Chew?

Straight Guy,

I had an embarrassing incident at the gym last evening, an incident that took me right back to the sixth grade. No, not that embarrassing moment -- this was long before I hit the shower.

I got scared and skulked around the gym hiding from this guy to avoid getting his fist in my face. If that doesn't send ya back to middle school, nothing will.

The back story: A few weeks ago I went up the street to lunch a little after noon. I passed the fancy gym next door where everyone is beautiful (not the back-to-basics gym that I belong to), where a dog was tied up on the terrace outside the gym, barking his heart out. An hour or so later, I passed by on my way back from lunch; same dog, same constant barking. An hour or so after that, I stepped out again to get some stamps or something. Dog. Barking. Add that it's July so it's hot.

I'm not really one to get into other people's business, so don't count on me to spearhead an intervention. Nor am I the Patron Saint of Puppies. But I told myself that if the dog was still there on my way back from the post office, I'd have to do something.

The short story is that I screwed up my courage, asked the fancy man at the fancy desk at the fancy gym if he knew who the dog belonged to. After some ridiculous verbal shell game at the front desk, dog owner appeared, mad as hell at me. Steam coming out of his ears. The synopsis of the point-counter point of our terse, tense, short conversation was that I need to learn how to mind my own business and that he needs to learn how to take care of an animal. He said that the dog had only been out there for an hour, I said I begged to differ and promised to provide my lunch mate to prove it.

I said my peace and left. He shouted at my departing figure that if I did anything about the dog, like call the SPCA, he'd "sue me."

To which I responded, "Bring it on."

The point of the story is not just that some people don't know how to take care of a dog, but that I felt very manly man in a way that I don't often feel. I felt that I had participated in a cave man-like primal altercation. It felt scary but thrilling at the same time. For once, I was the gay guy asking for trouble.

I figured that I'd probably never see the dude again. But, who do I see out of the corner of my eye when I entered my regular gym but Dog Man. I can't tell if he sees me, but I figure there's a 50-50 chance that his peripheral vision is as good as mine. I piled up some free weights in a corner, made myself immobile, tried to work out, and generally speaking, tried to be invisible. And felt miserable.

Don't try to use this expression, I felt like a sissy. A grown man skulking around to avoid getting what at worst would be a verbal rematch. Finally I couldn't take anymore, and decided to walk by him. Not to have a conversation or a confrontation, but to let him know I saw him and that I knew that he was there. That would be good enough.

We passed in the hallway. He gave me a weird smile, and I nodded my head. That was all.

One detail: He had an odd looking pink scratch from his eye down his cheek. My petty self hopes his dog sharpened his doggy digits there.

--Gay Guy

Go, Daddy, Go!

Gay Guy,

A local group has started a father/infant running group, baby-on-board jogging strollers required. From today's Washington Post website:

The group we formed -- DC Dads on the Run -- meets every Sunday... Our goal is 3 plus miles of Daddy time. Time to discuss sports, work, marriage, child milestones, funny stories or anything else that comes to mind.... And finally... to add a little daddy bonding time to our lives as we share in the Dad journey.

It sounds so good-natured, healthy, and responsible that I'm reluctant to share my gripe, especially because I'll never have my act together like these guys do. But here goes.

I'm a father, but I have no idea what "daddy bonding time" is all about. "Daddy time" I get. Quality time with my kids is important. But bonding with other dads over developmental milestones? Meh, not so much. And don't get me started with the capital-D "Dad journey." Ugh. Are we really that reflective now?

Anyone on these jogs drift off the road while gazing down at their own navel?

Isn't there any nobility in struggling in silence with our responsibilities as men, even if we are stretching and growing to share more and more of the parenting with our wives?

Gay Guy, I don't know about your dad, but mine worked hard, parented, volunteered, and had a social life. If he was introspective about the transitions of his life, he kept pretty quiet about it. He was just a good dad. He didn't go on the capital-D "Dad journey," because it wasn't all about him. I'd like to stick to that selfless model as much as I can. But it's hard. Really hard. So who am I to judge? I'm certainly no expert on fitness or parenting. If these guys can recharge their parenting batteries by sharing their stories with each other, more power to them. They're more proactive than I am, for sure.

Well, here I am blogging about it, so major points off my stoic score as well. Mea Culpa.

Another confession: As those runners were warming up last Sunday, I was enjoying some Count Chocula and cartoons with my kids. And as they were sprinting for the finish, I had my kids out for lunch at Ben's Chili Bowl for hot dogs and chili half smokes. Before anyone calls an abuse hotline -- or Mrs. Straight Guy -- know that we had fruit (and Pepto) and exercise (and Pepto) for the rest of the afternoon.

Look, I celebrate the concept, Dads on the Run. Get out there. Enjoy your friends and make new ones. Tune your bodies. Model that behavior for your kids. All good stuff. But maybe, just a marketing suggestion here, we could substitute some healthy "bullshitting" for all that therapeutic "bonding." Hey, maybe this is just semantics and by "funny stories" you really meant "filthy jokes." If so, I'm in. Especially if this route circles by Ben's (and then an EMT station).

--Straight Guy

Big Gay Ice Cream Truck

Straight Guy,

I love this story about the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck.

I will make an exception for my annoyance at the GLBT rainbow symbol to get rainbow- colored jimmies on my cone.

--Gay Guy

Wake the Eff Up, Dagwood! A Continuing Saga...

Oh, I get it. It's funny because Dagwood would rather eat Domino's chicken wings than have sex with Blondie. You see, he's completely dead down there. Hi. Lar. I. Ous.

Dagwood, your straight guy street cred is nada.

Yes. I realize that manipulating your sexual relationship into a reward system for completed chores is not a benchmark of a healthy marriage. But since it's not working anyway, we'll have to forgive Blondie.

I think it's high time we get some kind of crossover going on with the writers of Judge Parker. Yowza. I never know exactly what's going on in that strip, but those characters are... um... healthy.

I know. Some folks love these old strips because they never change. But notice that Dagwood has a new-fangled, flat-panel TV. Welcome to the modern world. He can't be missing all those annoying "Viva Viagra" ads, though. Can he? I don't care how long you've been married, Dagwood, that's friggin Blondie. Wake up.

--Straight Guy

Straight Guy Hall of Shame: Wrong Tool for the Job

Maybe I came off as unnecessarily judgmental in my recent post on ball caps, and the absolute correctness of keeping them at 12 o'clock. But maybe not.

Thank you, failblog.

--Straight Guy

Back to the Blog

Straight Guy,

Back in town. Thanks for carrying the blogging load.

Have a bunch of posts swirling in my head. Looking forward to some writing.

--Gay Guy

Remembering John Hughes

Readers,

Gay Guy is on vacation this week, sorry if things are sounding a little one-sided.

Saddened by the news about John Hughes passing today. [Entertainment Weekly story here.] He'd been retired and lived in relative seclusion since the mid-90s. Good for him.

Over a year ago, I put up a post about his impact on me, and the importance of tolerance as a central theme of his work, at least in his incredible string mid-80s teen-angst comedies.

Here it is:

Gay Guy,

Saw this recent article on John Hughes. My teenage angst came flooding back as I read it. I think demographically I was the perfect target for the genre he created. When "Sixteen Candles" came out, I was (1) sixteen, and (2) an emotional outsider seeking some validation.

As the article points out, Hughes switched the game and told many of his stories from the outsider's perspective. In fact, Hughes' best known film (though not my favorite) is "The Breakfast Club" where Hughes implies that we are ALL outsiders, no matter how we classify ourselves. My public school was similarly governed by cliques... divided into athletes, stage performers, brainiacs, and those who inhabited the smoking lounge (how was this ever an approved and authorized option for 14-year-olds?). There were many options for self-segregation...

I didn't know anyone who was gay and "out" (though some of my suspicions have since been confirmed -- more surprising are the ones that weren't). But my high school would not have been the most accommodating environment for the first one to try. We certainly used homophobic insults with little discretion.

In not a small way, I'm sure that these films made me a more accepting and tolerant person. You've met some of my high school friends, GG, and must know that if I am open-minded, it's not due to engaging in enlightening discourse with them.

I don't deserve any extra credit for being your friend, Gay Guy. Well, I do... for so many reasons, but not because you're gay, I should say. But if it took some growing up on my part to see value in people that I don't totally understand, I have to give some credit to Hughes and his films.

He made 6 "outsider" films from 84 to 87, some better than others, but all arriving between my 16th and 19th birthdays. And I'm sure I didn't miss a single one.

• Sixteen Candles (1984)
• Weird Science (1985)
• The Breakfast Club (1985)
• Pretty in Pink (1986)
• Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)
• Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

Anyway, many of today's filmmakers cite Hughes as a crucial influence, and have sought him out to no avail. He hasn't worked in many years (though I hear that the idea for the recent Owen Wilson flop "Drillbit Taylor" is an old one of his).

Just wondering if these or any other mainstream films had a similar impact on you.

Gay Guy later admitted that he didn't think he'd seen, or at least remembered seeing, any of these. Blasphemy.

Look, I have such a soft place in my heart for these films that I forgive Hughes for the lazy recycling of "Some Kind of Wonderful" from the remnants of "Pretty in Pink." Swap the lead's genders and it's a whole new film. Kind of. But it still works. No one can top PIP's thirty-ish James Spader as the spoiled high-school heavy, though.

Readers, anyone else have any John Hughes memories? His films are undeniable, and easily quotable, touchstones for Gen Xers like me.

One of my favorites: "Can I borrow your underpants for, like, 10 minutes?"

--Straight Guy

Gay / Straight Flashback: Cheers' Boys in the Bar

Gay Guy,

Here's the last few minutes of a Cheers episode, way back from the first season.

One of Sam's old pro-baseball teammates has written a book and comes out of the closet. The regulars worry that the publicity will cause Cheers to be known as a gay bar. They've already tagged a few new customers as suspicious, and are taking matters into their own hands. But is their gaydar up to snuff?

Dated? Ahead of it's time? Somehow, both?

Here are links to the first two parts (1, 2), and a blog post from Ken Levine, the writer of the episode who'd still like to tweak that last joke. Must have been a tough episode to sell to the network in the early 80s.

--Straight Guy

UPDATE: They won an Emmy and a GLAAD award for the episode.

I'm Grudgingly Acceptable. I Can Live with That.

So true. Anyone not wearing their cap at 12 o'clock is a poser.

Brimmed caps serve two purposes only:
(1) To keep the sun out of your eyes.
(2) To disguise a bad case of weekend bed head.

From illustrator Lunchbreath. Check out his flickr stream. Anyone who hates Ed Hardy stuff as much as I do is all right with me.

Dudes sporting a backwards cap AND an Ed Hardy t-shirt should be stereotyped and avoided. Feel free to judge that book by it's cover. It's a very dull read, anyway.

--Straight Guy

Must've Been a Beautiful Baby... But It's Gonna Cost You

Gay Guy,

An LA fertility clinic has just added a new search criteria to it's anonymous sperm bank catalog. Customers can look beyond the height, hair color, and education of the donor. Now you can also know whether he looks like Brad Pitt (not listed yet) or Brad Garrett (yes, listed, and extra points for honesty).

No guarantees, of course. Quote from the California Cryobank website:

No celebrity is meant as an exact match for any donor, nor should you assume that your future children will look like any celebrity listed... consider the fact that many people look like both their parents, without their parents actually looking like each other.

That's small consolation if a slight misfiling error gets a donor knocked up by "James Gandolfini" instead of "James Franco." Just saying. Let's be careful with the vials.

Still, business is looking good the company. Here's a quote from an article at KTLA:

"The number one client question we get is: `Who does this donor look like?"' said Scott Brown of California Cryobank. "We decided this would be a great way to give thorough and consistent answers. Clients love it. Look-a-Likes has only been available for a week and our Web site traffic is up 50 percent."

I'm not sure who, exactly, is in the market for a Jerry Orbach look-a-like baby (yes, he's listed). But I created this photo as a warning to those who might not think that plan all the way through.

Sweet dreams.

--Straight Guy