To Love, Honor, and Shake What Your Momma Gave You

Gay Guy,

In a recent post, I snarked on a YouTube wedding proposal (staged!) where the music and choreography sucked any authenticity out of the moment.

Maybe you've already seen the new bridal party video above. It's been out less than a week and has amassed 5 million hits and climbing (plus a visit to the Today Show). Oh, how I wanted to snark on this couple, too. Let me count the possible ways. But I just can't do it. They got me.

Here's a few comments from those not feelin' the love:

This must have been the first song they grinded to after too many jello-shots down at the sports bar. So gross. All that wobbly pale flesh. What a memory to cherish. Excuse me while I pry my eyes out with a spoon.

It's ostensibly about celebrating a couple's love and future together, but it seems to now serve as the one sad last-gasp opportunity for ANY attention. Dorky fun has its place but this is painful and embarrassing. Very, VERY Midwest and I DON'T mean that in a good way... pasty, chubby, farmstock in ill-fitting clothes doing the whiteman overbite cos it's 'funny' is just distasteful in this context. Bleurrgh.

And a few one-word reviews: Gay!

But most folks are on the other side of the fence...

a very genuine feeling expression of sincere joy that doesn't matter if it looks a bit cheesy at times.

This reminded me not just of the joy in my life, but of the opportunity I have to surround myself with love and the power of being confident, out there, and silly. There is a delicious freedom here. Men unafraid to dance in public, a perfect handstand, a crowd that loves you. I'm going to hold less in and move towards love.

What a fantastic way to begin your life together! You made me laugh and smile and I even found myself with few tears of absolute joy for you - ha, complete strangers!

My wife and I have been married for 36 years and if we got married tomorrow I would do it just like this! What an incredibly meaningful display of love and humor -- two of the most important ingredients for a lasting marriage.

And there's this from Sarah Kaufman at the Washington Post (where they've been running some surprisingly astute coverage/commentary on web trends).

More important, this ceremony went deeper than behaviors. It elicited all the right feelings, in the way that good dancing transfers energy and emotion to its audience. In the way they moved -- and were able to corral their friends and family into the act -- the couple told us a lot about themselves, and about their bond....This didn't look like a reluctant groom being dragged to the altar, nor a micromanaging bridezilla who had locked down every detail. They were open to music and movement and untucked shirts and sweat, and they gave to their guests what had to be the best party favor of all. An actual party.

Readers, Gay Guy (arts lover) knows not to invite me to anything that can be labeled as "interpretive dance." More than simply not liking it, it makes me angry. I'm sure those with a better-educated eye for dance can see otherwise. But my criteria is simple: entertain me, don't indulge yourselves. So how does this joyful mess of a bridal procession get through my filter and leave me so happy and hopeful? I can't really answer except to say that somehow they got right what so many people get wrong. And if you try to copy them, you'll get it wrong, too.

Hell yeah, it's gay. But in the first definition, cheerful, no worries, kind of way... and who doesn't need more of that?

--Straight Guy

Family Road Trip Muscles Through to the End

Straight Guy,

Got back a few days ago from the family odyssey with my parents. Two days down, two days there, two days back. On the whole, a nice time, but I happy to have back my bed and my space.

We got back to the city in time for the three of us to make the baseball game. The park has something called the fourth (maybe fifth) inning flex. There's a big announcement instructing the crowed to flex their stuff, and the cameras pan around the stadium. Lots of kids flexing pipe cleaner sized arms.

The camera panned on a really hot guy with amazing arms. He didn't even have to flex; he just casually laughed about being on camera and leaned back in his seat with his ever-more-amazing arms behind his head.

"Wow," said Gay Guy. "He's really got the goods."

"Yes, he does," agreed Gay Guy's mom.

--Gay Guy

The Gay/Straight Roomate Debate

A recent Ask Amy column featured a question on gay vs. straight college roommates and the writer was miffed that she couldn't use that criteria to screen the folks who will share space with her freshman son. She claims that her family is not discriminating...

They've had roommates who were of different races, different cultures and different religions, and have gotten along fine. Bob would prefer a straight roommate. ...

The university (a Jesuit school) has no policy for gay/straight roommates, other than that they don't permit discrimination.

In doing an informal poll of my older children and their friends, I discovered that all but one had a gay roommate and didn't stay roommates for long. Is it discrimination when a straight man doesn't want to room with a gay man?

Here's Amy's take. She's right. But why these folks continue to write to nationally syndicated columnists instead of coming straight to us is a mystery. We'll take a shot at it, anyway.

STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS: Why isn't there any method to screen out roommates who are obviously momma's boys like "Bob"? My freshman roommate was both gay and mom-dependent, and the latter was by far the bigger issue. We survived, and were mostly cordial and polite throughout.

It was a rough year for many reasons, and I've never been an advocate for the stranger-as-forced-roommate scenario. Just cut those dorms into more, smaller, single rooms and everyone will be fine. Sure, a few loner-antisocial-phobics will shut themselves in, but that's a small price to pay for greater harmony all around. Out of the 20 roommate pairings on my freshman hall, only 2 really clicked, and one of those pairs knew each other from their hometown. That's not great odds.

Still, if you're stuck in the system, deal with it. And, no, you can't segregate the dorms by orientation. Give me a break.

Lady, if you want your son to meet nice girls, there is no better social lubricant than a gay friend. As I've mentioned, they often have advanced their social skills far beyond the capabilities of the average dude of 18 years. Or, you can trust the fraternity system to teach your son how to deal with respectable young women and hope for the best. Those aren't the only options, of course. But please read Wolfe's "I Am Charlotte Simmons" as a primer.

Hey, no guarantees, though. Anyone, gay or straight, can be a friend... or a jerk... or have a mom who is a control freak. Let's limit our phone calls to the administration from now on, but keep the care packages coming.

GAY GUY RESPONDS: Oh, a gay guy's work is never done.

Mom, I hear how proud you are that you've allowed your kids to have such great exposure to the world. Before you pick up your diversity trophy at the next PTA meeting, try reflecting on what you've learned, or not learned, about diversity. On a practical level and for the sake of expediency on the upcoming rooming issue, let's cram having a gay roommate into the "different cultures" pigeon hole Bob's already flourished in, and just assume the kids will get along fine.

Bob, I hope you are cringing and hiding your face in public. Strap on some nuts and keep your mom out of your business. What's the problem with a gay roommate? Oh, that's right, he's going to stare at your junk and hit on you, right? Can't you straight guys come up with something more original than every gay guy in a tight space is going to jump your junk? Bob, right now, this is your problem and yours alone. Keep mom and student affairs out of it.

Just for fun, here's my freshman roommate story. I was assigned to room with a nice-enough, straight, popular, soccer/basketball playing BMOC guy. We were friendly, but not really friends. I wasn't sexually experienced enough then to understand that he was chipping away at acquiring some same-sex sexual experience, and, in tiny cautious ways, he was hitting on me all year. I was so innocent. Should I have realized that asking me to help him work on his abs by holding his thighs around my waist while he did sit ups was sketchy at best? About two weeks before the end of our first year, he did more than hint about what he was looking for. Not one of the more memorable sexual experiences of my youth, nor did we decide to room together second year. No huge loss. Amusingly, given the lack of action my first year of college, BMOC soccer boy was likely to have been the "gayer" of us.

Stockholm Syndrome: Straight Guy is 99% Gay

The Scandinavian gay community has created a "funny" widget which will analyze your twitter feed to rate you against the "hetero norm" to tell you how you rank. Somehow this is in celebration of the upcoming Stockholm Pride festival. All in good fun, let's see how GG and I shape up...

straight_guy is 1% Hetero

gay_guy is 1% Hetero

Good Lord, what have I done? I'm gayer than Perez Hilton (39%)!

I realized that when GG and I started this project, there might be a little "gay by association" nonsense to deal with, but that was the whole point. We hoped that other folks could see that there's no need to self-segregate, or fear gay cooties (or straight cooties, for that matter).

Of course our subject matter might sway the results a bit. But completely? Now I might have to rethink my tweets. Can someone feed me about 500 straight-sounding 140-character essays? Some of the "found words" causing my present ranking: cola, sugar, fries, and wow. Sorry, not seeing the connection. Fries are gay? Wow. Oops! Would tweeting about Mr. Pibb and Tater Tots raise my score?

Perez ranks higher with the found words: Madonna and bitch. I even scored lower than Hugh Jackman who tweets about opera and South Beach. See what I mean? Hey Stockholm Pride, stop stereotyping me just because I'm friends with Gay Guy.

And I don't even like cola. I like lemonade. Wait, does that help my score?

Readers, if you tweet, run your feed and let us know how you do.

--Straight Guy

GG/SG Adwatch: Matchbox Boys and Their Toys

Matchbox has taken last year's "Young Drivers" campaign to the next level with these "Young Warriors" ads. They feature kids with access to some awesome and realistic firepower. Click the photo above for an enlargement.

Kids and games of war are nothing new. I played with toy guns all the time to no ill effect. So, I'm not against soldier, cowboy, or cops 'n' robbers games. I think the stereotype that boys gravitate to violent games and aggressive role playing proves true from some deeply rooted evolutionary need. Kids start honing ancient survival skills at a very young age. But, for us, it was mostly a fun, innocent, and fairly naive way to pass the time. (When we were shot dead, we had to count to thirty until we could pop up and fight again.)

But what's with the fatigued, I've-seen-too-much, PTSD looks on these Matchbox kids faces?

Reread Calvin and Hobbes to appreciate the joy a young boy feels in games which emphasize power and destruction. That's the point of war games and superhero fantasies, that weak and powerless kids can envision themselves as strong and powerful. It's fine. Healthy, well-adjusted kids can separate fantasy and reality, whether it's comic books, Three Stooges reruns, or violent video games.

So, what's bringing these boys down? They should be having the time of their lives. What's Matchbox trying to say? Trying to sell?

Does the next campaign take them upriver to the Heart of Darkness?

--Straight Guy

Family Reunion Surprise: When the Party's Not a Party for Gay Guy

Straight Guy,

Rolling back home. Now that I have good Internet access again, here's a quick post to tell you a surprise I learned.

My parents are Republicans.

It's less surprising than learning, say, that they are water skiers or getting a divorce, but still jaw dropping.

Mom and I were having a coffee and waiting for my dad for breakfast at the lodge in the state park where the reunion was being held. I told her that when I am in restaurants, airport lounges, etc., I look around at other people and play a silent game called "which ones are Democrats and which ones are Republicans." I said to her, "I think we've got lots of 'Rs' in here."

To which she answered: "You have two at this table."

Turns out my parents are registered as Republicans. The only words that I could get out were that I hoped they voted their conscience and not their party when they got into the voting booth.

My parents are pretty middle of the road, in all things, but certainly in politics. They don't talk about politics much at all. Well, they don't talk about their beliefs, obviously, since I didn't get their party affiliation. I would have said they were conservative Democrats; now I guess the one bright spot is that I'd call them liberal Republicans.

Gotta run. More later on the final leg home.

--Gay Guy

On the Road With Gay Guy and His Parents: Day Two

Straight Guy,

Road Trip with Parents: Day Two.

Day Two is not as serene as day one. Not that anything bad has happened, it's just that there are some worn nerves. Mine. Maybe everyone's.

I'm just realizing what a mumbler my father has become. Was he always one? He's a soft speaker to boot. My mother is something of a soft-speaking mumbler, too, but not nearly as bad as dad. Add that my father's hearing is fading. So, mom's in the back seat of the car, dad's driving, the air conditioning blowing, and so they have to keep asking each other to repeat themselves. "What? What? What did you say?" I'm the interpreter.

When I can understand them, I've found that my parents now read aloud road signs and whatever they see out the window. As in, "Applebees. Olive Garden. Arbee's. 35 miles an hour. Coin operated laundry." Just one long string of nouns looking for a verb and a purpose.

Our gay/straight moment of the day: My dad asked if Mark Sanford is still governor of South Carolina, or if he had stepped down after his very public admission of having an affair -- some of it on the state's dime. I went on a petite tirade about Sanford's hypocrisy: He opposes marriage equality for gays and lesbians because we'd bring down the straight marriage property values. Sanctity of marriage must be protected, etc. I put out there that I think no one could bring down the institution of marriage any faster than the adulterous Mark Sanford himself. Governor "Marriage Should be Between One Man and One Woman . . . With a Few Other Women Sandwiched in Between."

It's always the finger-pointers. I just love when the finger-pointing, conservative, Republican prick who opposes gay marriage on moral grounds gets caught in his own moral trap. As a gay man, Sanford et. al would say that my morals are questionable but I can show the governor how a zipper works. I'm so pissed that the death of the King of Pop pushed Sanford off the front page.

My parents maintained silence.

Now that I think of it, Mark Sanford should blame gay marriage for corroding the moral bedrock of his marriage. Blame gay marriage for everything, like in this old but still wonderful video, It's All Because (The Gay are Getting Married)."

Be patient with my blogging. I'm in a state park on the side of a mountain and internet is spotty at best.

--Gay Guy

Straight Guy Hall of Badassery: Newsbrief

The headline says it all: "Man Uses Chainsaw to Fight Off Mountain Lion Attack"

Badass details here.

"He raised his chainsaw and met the lion head-on as it pounced."

Just for contrast, my excitement for the day: Reese's Pieces are now in the vending machine near my office. I don't even really feel fully alive right now.

--Straight Guy

"Straightening Up" the Apartment? A Gay Guy's Guide to Parental Controls

Straight Guy,

Hope you are well.

Readers: Gay Guy is on a multi-day road trip with his parents. Will it be nifty, neutral, or nightmare? Anything is possible.

Day One went smoothly. Amen. But, from getting on the road to getting into our (separate!) hotel rooms was exactly 12 hours. No one needs to be in constant contact with anyone for 12 solid hours. Luckily, my parents are quite low-key, low on the demands, and easy to be with.

My parents are really pretty cool. I know they had some misgivings, disappointments, and judgment about me being gay when I came out to them. Whatever those feelings were, and however deeply held they were, my parents seem to have worked it out. Or, if they have not worked out their internal conflict, they have the politeness and/or good sense to keep their internal conflict internal.

They arrived yesterday and spent the night with me in my teeny apartment. This leads to the question of what I call "straightening up" the apartment. I don't mean picking up. That's a given. Lordy, it's my mom staying over -- I had to buy a gallon of bleach and sanitize every surface with it. She likes a clean house. No, I mean, goes a gay man "straighten" the house, as in to degayify it. Not to lie, but to keep everyone comfortable.

For this gay guy, the answer is a resounding "no." But, before I came out to my parents, the gay clues around my apartment made me anxious. Glad those days are over. Being in the closet can affect . . well, even one's closet.

So, what makes an apartment gay? How gay is mine? Aside from being pleasant to look at and possessing a certain design sensibility, my place is pretty neutral. That is to say no poster-size prints of naked or semi-clothed men. Nothing with fringe or beads. No slipper chair. I do have a healthy collection of books by gay men, say Edmund White, and books with well-drawn gay characters, the author Michael Chabon as a good example.

On the other hand, posted on my refrigerator is a page I pulled from a magazine. It has four windowpane photos of men with nothing on -- at least from the waist up. It's tasteful. I think it was an article about the classic Greek ideals. They are wearing laurel wreaths on their heads. Anyway, I keep it on the frig for gym inspiration. Ugh. I could work out 40 hours a week for months and not look like those models. Who has the time? And, who has the time to shave every hair from his navel to his neck?

Also in the kitchen is my calendar, which has a photo a month of a hot guy wearing very little clothing. It's a fitness calendar; that is to say it has a monthly fitness tip. This month's tip: "Boxing is a good way to get cardiovascular exercise." Thank you; that was revelatory advice. The gaze on the model's face inspires lots of thoughts in me, but none of them are about boxing. And, I think that generally speaking real boxers wear their trunks around their waists, not slung under their hip bones. Just a suspicion.

Both expressions of my fitness ambitions stayed up.

Time to go to bed. More driving tomorrow.

--Gay Guy

P.S. We had dinner at a Ruby Tuesday's. Does that give me any Straight Guy cred?

Straight Guy Hall of Shame: Tit for Tat

Just when I make the case (in my last post) that straight guys are unfairly ridiculed, I find this.

Old news, but long story short: crazy Canadian (and obviously very lonely) guy decides to upgrade a marginally slutty sultry tattoo on his leg by repurposing a silicone chin implant to fill out the bust of said tattoo.

Upside: He gets a little action every time he puts on his socks.

Downside: Dude is a complete idiot. Oh yeah, and his body profoundly rejects the implant only a few weeks later. Read the gross details here.

--Straight Guy

PS: If you've got an interest in a fail blog where mistakes are permanent, more madness (some NSFW) at ugliesttattoos.com