First Rule of Straight Guy Club: You Do Not Talk About Wire Hangers!

Gay Guy,

Film.com has compiled a list of the 50 greatest movie monologues. Better than that, they've managed to YouTube almost all of them. Good stuff if you're prepping for an audition. Which we definitely are not.

"Do you feel lucky, punk?"
"You talkin' to me?"
"I could have been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am."
"Greed is good."
"You do not talk about Fight Club."

Took me a moment to realize how this list is dominated by classic straight guy performances. Not much for your team to sink it's teeth into. Though the "No wire hangers!" moment from Mommie Dearest has a certain drag ferociousness to it, perhaps even more than the Tootsie big-reveal quote also included on the list.

What's missing from the list? Any great monologues from Philadelphia or Priscilla? Or am I thinking too narrowly? (No. I don't really think that gay-friendly monologues are limited to the topics of HIV and disco drag queens.) Women, what about you? There's got to be more than Gone With the Wind.

Side note: Is it possible that gay guys are fans of the Mommie Dearest, Baby Jane, and Virginia Woolf films because those characters (wild eyed, verbally merciless, and overly made up older women) scare the crap out of straight guys? I'll admit it. Though I admire the performances, I can hardly endure them. To get run over and ripped apart by a woman like that... give me Pride of the Yankees or Blade Runner anytime.

--Straight Guy

Rock On, Gay Idol

Here's a stereotype switcheroo for you. I (Straight Guy) am a long-time American Idol addict but Gay Guy has absolutely no interest in the show. And, not that it matters much, but I am rooting for the gay front runner this season, Adam Lambert.

He's talented, fun, interesting, and unique. He might have outsung every other contestant on every single week of this competition so far. He's never bombed or lazily phoned it in. He has a ton of confidence on stage, but outside of his performances, he seems like a humble, genuinely nice guy. I don't know that anyone has ever dominated the competition in the way he has and I think his "bottom three" ranking a few weeks ago was probably due to voter fatigue from the fans who were mistakenly assured that he was a sure thing. They won't make the same mistake twice.

So what does any of that have to do with his orientation? Not much except that maybe the "performance gene" seems to often be co-activated with the "gay gene"... must be right next door to each other on the RNA strand. Look, the dude is addicted to guyliner, hairspray, and a wardrobe that would also work for Cher. He has a background in musical theater (playing Fiyero in Wicked, and yes, I googled that), and works an affected snarl for his closeups. So maybe his theatricality and fabulousness are enhancing his routines, but not every drama queen can sing, right? I realize that glam is not synonymous with gay, especially in rock and roll (hello, Prince!). But for Adam, the combination of style and talent add up to a whole greater than the sum of its parts.

The rest of the media is making too much of a big deal about this (see EW's cover story this week). But since GG and I have framed our blog around these types of discussions, it's fair game (and definitely not sensationalist) for us. Apparently, the deal is that Adam is out in private and not out in public. He doesn't deny anything, but I can respect that we're all allowed to set our own boundaries. The show hasn't provided very much background on Adam, though, especially in comparison to the other two guys in the final three. Maybe it's too complicated for them to package.

Here's a quote from EW:

As a culture, we like gay underdogs, but on reality-competition shows, we haven't seen many Adams before — someone who enjoys selling his sexuality, who looks you in the eye, flirts, and dares you not to flirt back. We're fine with gay men as vulnerable lost souls singing suicide-hotline emo ballads like ''Mad World.'' But what's exciting about Adam is that, despite that superb performance, he really isn't that guy. He's out, loud, and proud. Well, two out of three.

Many readers will say ''Why are we even discussing this? Why does it matter whether he's gay or not?'' It doesn't. Or rather, it shouldn't. Except that unlike his counterparts, who commodify their lives on their sleeves, Adam isn't talking about it. He's handled inquiries with disarming jokiness. Ambushed recently by a TMZ reporter who said, awkwardly, ''So, you could be the first...,'' Adam replied, smiling, ''The first what?'' daring the reporter to finish the thought. He didn't. But neither did Adam. Maybe it's still too costly to say who you are. It's certainly costly not to. Does he feel he can't? Does the show feel he shouldn't? Is his choice personal or strategic? Will it pay off? And does any of this represent progress?

So here's my question, readers and GG: Why do the girls continue to get unhinged for this guy? They certainly seem more crazed for him than the other competitors. You see them in the audience, screaming, shaking, and losing their composure like fangirls have always done, dating back to Elvis and the Beatles on Ed Sullivan. One recently broke through security and rushed the stage at Adam's hometown concert. These are not critical assessments of his craft, these are hormones run amok. I refuse to believe that it's because they have no idea that Adam's gay. They must know by now that he's not straight. GG hasn't seen the show, but his gaydar went off when I showed him a single photo.

But, I thought that the fantasy had more to do with the faint possibility that the stars could love a fan back, if only they had the chance to get to know each other. That it wasn't only about hormones and proximity. With a straight rock star, there's always the hope that a fan could get noticed and become a groupie, that a groupie could become a girlfriend, that a girlfriend could become a wife. That's the fantasy that won't happen with Adam. It should crush a fangirl's heart to know that a middle-aged straight guy (yeah, I said it) has a better chance than they do, but it doesn't seem to be slowing them down.

Is it the lure of forbidden fruit? Do they dream they can convert him?

Sure, straight women and gay men connect all the time as friends and confidants. Of course you can be "hot" to the opposite sex, even if you are gay, out, or both. Crazed female fans have always been more bonkers than guys. Yeah, straight guys do some nutty stuff in the name of fandom (hello, NASCAR!, hello, ComicCon!). But girls usually get this right... they throw their panties at Elvis, Jay Z, and John Mayer and keep their composure for Barry Manilow, Elton John, and the Scissor Sisters dude.

The crucial voting block for American Idol is probably girls aged 10 - 20... you can't win without their support. I think Adam has them right where he wants them... whether he wants them or not.

--Straight Guy

Amnesia On Demand: Gay Thing or Guy Thing?

Straight Guy,

Need your straight perspective.

I was once again on the receiving end of what I call "gay amnesia."

Here's what happened: A friend and I were in line at the drug store, and right behind us is a guy I see every day. My finely tuned gaydar tells me he's my people, but this is only an untested theory. He must live and work near me: He gets on the bus one stop after me every work day, transfers at the same stop and gets off at the same stop. Plus I see him out at lunch time.

Back to the drug store: While I slowly inched forward in the line, I said "hi" to him or nodded and smiled at him. He gave me that look that says, "I've never seen you before --Who are you and why do you recognize me?"

This happens to me a lot. I admit to being hyper-observant and thus might have unreasonable expectations for memories to light the corners of other people's minds. Usually, I don't take it personally. It's not a friend; it's some guy on the same bus schedule or someone who works out at the same time as me or whatever.

Why does this bug me? I truly don't want anything in return. I don't expect to make a friend or have a chat or act like long-lost buddies. I'm not hitting on them. I just want a little silent recognition and acknowledgment. A little nod that says, "Oh, I recognize you from the gym and, gee whiz, there you are strolling down the sidewalk."

So I need to know, SG, is "gay amnesia" a:
--Figment of my imagination?
--DNA social tick unique to my people?
--General guy thing?
--Sign of my unreasonable expectations that there's a happy gay village inside the big straight city?

--Gay Guy

Dom DeLuise, Never the Straightman

Dom DeLuise passed away yesterday. He was a player in many of the important comedies of my childhood, from Mel Brooks' History of the World Part I to Cannonball Run.

He regularly played the sissy -- the feminized fraidy cat -- and allowed the other leads to play it, ahem, straight. I have no idea whether he was gay or not, but his on-screen relationship with Burt Reynolds was definitely bromantic.

His passing gives me reason to post the Blazing Saddles clip above, where the western brawl spills over to the other Hollywood sets.

As usual, I ask Gay Guy to let me know if I am "laughing at" or "laughing with" when it comes to exploitive gay humor. Brooks' comedies are about as broad as they get, always cashing in on stereotypes. But in this case, at least the chorus line seems to get the best of the cowboys, no?

--Straight Guy

Pope's Posse: Adding Some Miss to the Swiss

Straight Guy,

The Swiss Guard, with 500+ years of protecting the Pope under its pantaloons, is considering opening its ranks to women, according to this recent news bite.

I think letting women into the Swiss Guard is a great idea, if for no other reason than they would bring a fashion-forward yet tailored look to the squad. Maybe get Gucci on board. In kindest terms the Swiss Guard has something of a flamboyant look going on. Look at them on parade, they look like the Rockettes Under the Big Top Circus Salute.

I do have to admit that I am eternally grateful to the Swiss Guard uniform -- best Halloween costume I ever made, bar none.

Here's a paragraph with a familiar ring. The previous commander of the guard

"argued that mixing the sexes could be more trouble than it was worth and cited cramped Vatican barracks as another reason for excluding women."

Cramped barracks? . . . hmm, where have I heard this lame reason to discriminate before? Oh, right, one of the reasons not to allow out service members. It got us Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I hope the new "Swiss Miss Battalion" of the Guard fares better.

--Gay Guy

Straight Guy here... willing to pay top dollar for photos of that Halloween costume... Anyone?

Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Hot Sex Sells

Gay Quizno's oven tries to seduce a staff member.

"Hot." Check.

"Meat." Check.

"Put it in." Check, and ready to launch "torpedo."

(And the supreme court is still mulling over Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction, now how many years later?)

--Straight Guy

Niagra Falls for My People, Too: Gays Get Honeymoons

Straight Guy,

My Internet service was down all weekend, so I was unable to post.

The lack of Internet went surprisingly well. I wasn't too itchy without my connection to the outside world. Maybe because I went to parties and a concert, so I engaged in the outside world in the pre-Internet fashion.

I will try to steal some time from my employer today to pull off a post.

In the meantime, I found a fun travel news brief in Sunday's Washington Post on a service with expertise in gay honeymoons. (You have to read past a swine flu update to get to the joyous occasion.)

Quip of the clip: "Straight couples might spend a lot on that big dress. But among my people, we see smaller weddings and more spending on honeymoons," says Jeffrey Ward, owner and founder of Savvy Navigator.

SG, I've absolutely no expectation of booking a honeymoon hotel any time soon (the economy is not the only recession of crisis proportions), but good to know that if I do get to the moonlight madness there will be his-and-his robes when I arrive.

--Gay Guy

Suzanne, Sophia, or Charlotte: Games Straight Men Don't Play

Straight Guy,

The death of Bea Arthur from the Golden Girls chat forces me to tell you about a little game that gay men used to play.

Take a TV show about four women with diverse and strong personalities. Add four gay men--friends who know each other well works best, but random strangers have been known to hold up in a pinch. Admit which female character you are most like. Enlighten others about their true TV female foursome selves. Laugh.

This started with Designing Women. Golden Girls followed. The tradition had nearly died out when Sex and the City came along.

Yeah, stereotypically gay, but frequently hilarious. Ugh, why do I admit these things? I have no doubt that straight men find this story horrifying.

I don't know if younger gay men play this game with say, Entourage.

Okay: I was consistently voted Julia from Designing Women, Dorothy from Golden Girls, and Miranda from Sex and the City. Yep. The non-nonsense, somewhat aloof, hyper-verbal, acid-tongued ones. Lovely, just lovely.

Why do I tell you this things? You will just torture me with my own story.

--Gay Guy

Divas vs. Hoots: Gay Icons Who Make Straight Men Uncomfortable

Gay Guy,

Thanks for the weekend tribute to Bea Arthur. And also for the not-so-long-ago tribute to Eartha Kitt. I agree with your assessment that these departed gay icons attained their status in some ways by being "tough, sassy, and unafraid." Can I also add that they were, in some way, dominating and slightly mannish, as well as unlucky in love? Plus, they ALWAYS had a great back story (perfect for a one-woman-show).

In other words, they were quite a "hoot."

Not only were they funny, they were fabulous, but in some ways had never been fully accepted. I can see how a gay guy might identify with that.

Many older women fall into the "Hoot" category. Can't the whole "Golden Girls" phenomenon be classified that way? Young women don't seem to qualify, do they? Though I suppose Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho are well on their way. Britney and Lindsay are not Hoots, they are still hot messes, but they have long term Hoot potential.

I hate to break it to those women and the gays that adore them, but from out here in Straightsville, "Hoot" is not a compliment. Wasn't Bea Arthur the gold standard of unattractiveness to straight men? The metaphorical "last woman on earth" with whom we must be forced to procreate. Don't call me cruel... that was the core of her schtick!

I mentioned my "elevator test" in our Eartha Kitt post. Most Hoots would also flunk this test, in that I would NOT enjoy being trapped in an elevator with them. I assume that many gay guys would savor the chance to have Bea or Eartha's undivided attention for an hour or so. Not me. Yes, it's partly because they are intelligent, powerful, and intimidating women. But also because they somehow stand in judgment of us, the generic straight guys. Isn't part of the unlucky-in-love-routine that none of us men have ever really measured up? Been man enough to handle these ladies? Aren't we always just moments away from a withering put-down for being the dolts we naturally are?

Here's a short list of female gay icons who make straight men uncomfortable. It's a proud tradition dating back to Mae West, or further, what do I know?. I'm no expert on the icons themselves, just my uncomfortableness with them. I'll rate them on a Divaness and Hootability 5-star scale, as these criteria are core in determining how intimidating they are. And, correct me if I'm wrong, GG, to be a gay icon, it seems you need a bit of both.

Bea Arthur:
Diva: **
Hoot: ****
Extra hoot points for drag-queen mannishness.



Eartha Kitt:
Diva: *****
Hoot: ***
Very intimidating. Could convincingly deliver DeNiro's "Are you talking to ME?" monologue wearing a bedazzled turban and mink stole.

Dolly Parton:
Diva: ***
Hoot: ****
The exception proves the rule. Meets all criteria, but passes my elevator test. So sue me.


Cher:
Diva: ****
Hoot: **
Low on Hoot score, because who (gay or straight) wants to listen to Cher for long periods of time? Still frightening, though.

Barbara Streisand:
Diva: *****
Hoot: ****
Ultimate diva. But hoot factor has risen in each decade.


Madame (of Wayland and Madame):
Diva: *****
Hoot: *****
The perfect storm of demanding divaness, one-woman-show hootability, and manishness out the wazoo (literally!).

--Straight Guy

Readers, let us know who's on your list, or whether I've gotten any of these completely wrong. Click "comments" below.

Dead Poets Society Protest: "Hating on Everyone"

Straight Guy,

Great article about a protest at Walt Whitman High School from today's Washington Post.

A quick synopsis: Yesterday, students at Walt Whitman High School, in Bethesda, Maryland, a Washington, D.C., suburb, walked out at the end of school to find a protest by a tiny group of fundamental Christian activists from Westboro Baptist Church, Topeka, Kansas. You know Westboro, home to homo-hater Pastor Fred Phelps. The God Hates Fags folks. They were protesting that the high school is named for poet Walt Whitman, generally considered to be gay or at least bisexual. (Or gay and then straight and then roll the roles all over again.)

Way to go with the counter protest, kids (and faculty). Thanks.

I don't need to write anything about how insane Westboro Baptist is. Just watch the news video embedded in the Post story about the protest. It's great. If you still have energy, let Westboro's web site do all the talking.

Bonus: A lovely Whitman poem, a piece of the literary evidence that he was gay. You decide.

--Gay Guy