Couch Potato. Plus a Couch Lamb Chop With a Side of Green Beans.

Straight Guy,

Your post today (see below) about the bibs for adult men prompts a confession from me: I eat dinner on the sofa. While watching TV.

I swore I would never eat dinner on the sofa. There was something I just didn't like about it. It wasn't just the potential for stains, it said single to me.

You can tell where this story is going.

I used to be good at eating at the dining table only. My sofa looked like it had been just delivered. Nice firm cushions. Then I got a TV . . . more accurately YOU got me a TV. Little by little, I started eating all my dinners on the sofa while watching TV.

So far, I've managed to avoid any stain disasters, but I know it's just a matter of time. Plus, I watch a lot of TV now. My sofa cushions are starting to pooch in where I sit. The evidence is clear.

So, I am really trying to eat dinner at the dining table only. And, with no TV on. Only with music and the New Yorker.

I know that the habit of eating on the sofa is neither gay, nor straight, but I would be interested in getting some feedback.

Readers: Do you eat on the sofa? Leave a comment and let me know.

--Gay Guy

Straight Guy Gift Guide, Day 2: Dress for Dinner Napkins

No need to hire an attractive model, it's for straight men! We're lazy, dirty, and have no style... plus food just keeps falling right out of our mouths. Ha. Ha. You got us. He's probably "adjusting" himself just out of frame, too. Thanks for representing, bro.

Buy them here. They also sell a keychain with the charming slogan: "OBEY YOUR WIFE!"

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy Here:

Straight Guy, you sound angry here. How do you know that this spoof is about straight men? Just because you are 90 percent or so of the male population? Was it the key chain?

I know I take a bunch of shots at you and your straight bros based solely on stereotypes. Okay, so I think there's a trend, but that doesn't mean that it's a lock. I know a few a gay men who fit the bib-wearing straight male stereotype.

Okay, that's a lie. I don't. But, I am sure they are out there. I've seen them. I just don't know any.

Look, you know me: I am a priss. A guy --straight or gay--who is, as you wrote, "lazy, dirty, with no style" plus table manner issues, would be a barrier for me. At the bare minimum I wouldn't be able to eat with him.

--Gay Guy

Just snarky, not angry.

No, not sure at all that the hairy model is straight. He is a model, after all. I just didn't think the joke was advanced by presenting a schlub in need of a makeover.

The online catalog filed this gift under "Men." But I think old ladies and little kids would love these things! Everyone I've shown has gotten a giggle out of them. Enjoy.

More stocking stuffers tomorrow. GG is very excited about an item that is marginally NSFW.

--SG

Straight Guy Gift Guide: Chopsticks Aid

If anyone has any idea where you can actually buy these, let me know. I'm not above using the gripper tool (joins chopsticks into crude tongs) which is sometimes provided gratis at better establishments.

I have plenty of dexterity when it comes to other tasks and tools. But I've just about given up on chopsticks. Gay Guy has mad skills, though. I blame genetics. I don't have the chopstick gene. Our co-workers love sushi, so I am publicly shamed on a regular basis. Now I have hope.

--Straight Guy

I have a few more gift ideas in my files. Indulge me over the next few days...

Lame Straight Stereotype Proves True: Hot Cars = Hot Ladies

From the Wired magazine archives...

David Moxon subjected 40 men and women to the sounds of a Maserati, Lamborghini and Ferrari, then measured the amount of testosterone in their saliva. He found everyone had higher levels of the stuff -- a measure of their arousal -- after hearing the revving exotics, but the amount the women had was off the charts.

The econobox, however, left everyone colder than a January day in Nome.

The study was commissioned by the ultra-exclusive British insurer Hiscox (we swear we're not making this up), which was curious to know how people respond to high-end luxury cars. "We knew owners of luxury cars felt a connection with the sound of their vehicles," says Steve Langan, managing director of the insurance company. "We have now scientifically proven the physical attraction people feel when it comes to cars."

Well, this solves one important mystery. I can now lay complete blame on my family's Pontiac Parisienne station wagon for the fact that I got no action on prom night, 1985. It had nothing to do with me... or my Miami Vice (TM) tuxedo rental. How could it?

--Straight Guy

Hair Styles That Are a Cut Above: Where Gay Men and Straight Men Part?

Straight Guy

I loved your March 21 post about hair cuts. I thought I had uncoiled you from that low-rent version of the Hair Butchery, but clearly old habits die hard for you. At least you've given up the Flowbee, right? Right?

The results so far from your poll of how much gay men/straight men are willing to spend on caring for their tresses are interesting but not surprising: Placing a value on a good hair cut --assuming a direct correlation between style and dollars spent--falls down on predictable lines. Readers: There's still time to take the poll -- just scroll down to March 21.

The results so far indicate that 88 percent of the gay respondents spend between $15 to $60 on a haircut (evenly split between $15 to $30 and $30 to $60), compared to 50 percent of straight men spending $15 dollars or less.

I am not terribly surprised that straight men don't care about hair or maybe that that gay men just care more. (Is a bad hair cut one of the ways straight men recognize each other?) But, I am surprised that anyone can find a haircut, good or bad, for less than $15. How many Mayberry Pete the Barbers are left out there? Do straight men have a homing instinct for the few remaining blue and red striped poles?

The barber shop was never fun for me as a child or even as an adolescent. Back then, seems like the whole point of a hair cut was to make you look bad. A trip to the barber always ended up with me in tears, my dad mortified, and crooked bangs.

I didn't really get a good haircut until I moved to a city. I found a great stylist but, as SG notes, after a while he no longer was convenient to my office or my home, resulting in some desperate and expensive cabs riders across town. I felt like a hair adulterer leaving him.

On the recommendation of some of women at work I decided to try this guy down the street named Ricardo. Why not? These women had good cuts, he was near the office, and they went on about how good looking he was. To cut to the point, I made an appointment and was speechless. I would have paid him the $40 just to stand next to me for half an hour. Bonus points, he had a French accent. He gave a great cut, too. (P.S., I fall into the $30 to $60 zone.)

Ricardo, who by the way is straight, eventually moved on, so I ended up at a new salon. It's sleek. Italian sleek. Metal and leather sleek. Not one extra anything in the whole place. It's like show room in there, complete with a flat screen TV playing nothing but a loop of models angrily sulking down a catwalk.

The guy gives a really good haircut, plus he use a regular razor, small razor, scissors, then finishes my neck with a straight razor so I feel like I am getting my $35 worth.

A friend of mine once noticed an inverse relationship between how much you pay for a hair cut and how much they take off: You pay Pete the Barber $10 bucks, he gives you a Marine recruit haircut. Pay a fancy stylist $100 and their goal is to make it look like you barely had a cut. Guess straight men are more likely to survive this global financial crisis.

Nothing makes me feel better than a good hair cut. Nothing. There's a lot that I'd give up before a good cut. The Washington Post had an article on what people relinquish last in times of financial crisis and why. Turns out it's lipstick -- symbolic of a sense of a former self.

Tempting . . and portable. . . as lipstick is, I'll be showing up on the unemployment line with a fresh haircut, invincible.

--Gay Guy

Don't Get Fresh With Me

I laughed at this. Twice.

Two low points of 90s pop culture recycled and fit together perfectly.

--Straight Guy

Gays, Straights, and Our Exes: Do We Really Need To Be Friends?

Straight Guy,

I need some straight male perspective here: Do straight men try to stay friends with the women they break up with? My guess is that they don't.

This afternoon I saw a guy across a busy street who looked just like someone I dated a while back. It wasn't him, but the sighting reminded me that I'd not seen or talked to said ex-boyfriend in a long time. Which got me thinking that I tend not to stay in touch with my exes; I think that this puts me in the minority over here in gay world.

Generally, I'd say that gay men go for civil breakups with the intent to "stay friends." As in, "We were a couple yesterday. Today we're not. But we're still friends."

I'm not very good at being friends with a BF after the break up, but a lot of gay men put a lot of effort into it. Is it what we're supposed to do? Why? Is this somehow more evolved? Some higher standard of perfection and maturity? Are gay guys just supposed to be more nurturing or just try harder?

I'm not talking about couples with children; that's an entirely different story and I appreciate those painful efforts to get along. Nor am I talking about having a few dates and discovering that the romantic chemistry just isn't there, but he's a perfectly nice guy. I've made a few friends that way.

I don't wish ill upon any of the men I've seriously dated or been in relationships with. I just don't need to hang out with them. Or exchange Christmas cards. I don't cross the street when I see them, but I don't need a lot of conversation/contact either.

About a year ago, I attended a charity event and who is the first person I see but a guy I'd been in a serious relationship with. Four years serious. We had a surprisingly nice time talking; it didn't hurt that neither of us knew anyone else in the room. Also attending the event was an acquaintance who I met post-break up. Knowing nothing about the past, he said, "You two really got on. Why don't you ask him on a date?" Well. . . because while it was a nice time and he did look sexy, something about our conversation had begun taking the frustrating turn of reminding me why we broke up. I didn't feel sad -- I felt reassured.

What is it?: That there's a difference between being friendly and being friends? That there's enough gay men in my world that ex-boyfriends don't need to be in my cell phone contacts? That I don't need to prove that my relationships were serious by saying, "Look, here's proof. . . we're still friends."

Straight Folks: Do you take post-breakup friendships as the higher ground? Gay Folks: Am I just imagining this?

--Gay Guy

Gay / Straight Haircuts: Dues for your "Do"

Gay Guy,

The economy is crazy. I know we don't often get into economic issues on the blog. But I have to speak my mind. Yes, those AIG bonuses are maddening to rest of us in the workaday world, but to add insult to injury, my $10 haircut has just jumped in price to $14! Who do these fat cats think they are?

I don't expect you to share my pain, GG. I am aware that you regularly visit establishments which are classified as "salons" and have paid much higher prices for a simple cut that can be best described as the "Matt Lauer." I also know that you disappear for hours when you get this done, partly because your stylist's shop is across town, also requiring hefty cab fare. Plus, you get yours cut about twice as often as I do. You've refused to divulge the net costs of your haircuts.

For many years, I've been a regular patron of a 6-chair neighborhood shop. The staff are an ever-changing roster of very kind but tough-as-nails Asian women. I don't think they take appointments, because there is a severe language barrier between staff and most patrons. This problem is addressed by the posting of about 100 front and back sample haircut photos. I have probably never used more than 20 different words in my 10-plus years as a customer.

[Sidebar: Their ire was raised once many years ago when I asked Mrs. Straight Guy to buzz my head with a hair-trimmer. The thing conked out about halfway through and I had to go to them for help. They reviewed my scalp as a team, and I was firmly scolded by their leader/translator. "Why do you do this? This is job for professional!" Since this a place where they still finish a session by shaving the back of your neck with a 6-inch swing-blade straight razor, I have never crossed them again.]

Readers, I've posted polls below. It's completely anonymous, so let us know...

--Straight Guy

Swing and a Miss: Getting Hit On by the Wrong Team

Straight Guy,

Thanks a lot for all the blogging. Work's been a bite, so not much energy here. Not much of a social life for me either.

Frequent commenter and fellow blogger John asked a question a few weeks ago: When we have gone out together "has SG ever been hit on by any gays or GG ever been hit on any straight women?"

No men have ever asked me about Straight Guy's availability or hit on him. I must say that I resist the urge to take him to a gay bar -- the field trip of a lifetime -- because I know he'd get hit on and I wouldn't. I'd never forgive him. Sometimes women have told me that SG is nice looking; maybe they were fishing for more. There's not much info for me to give out. For the entire time I've known SG he's either been dating, engaged to, or married to Mrs. Straight Guy.

Have straight women hit on me in Straight Guy's presence? Only a few times. I put my outness out there, so I don't get hit on much by straight women. Sober straight women that is.

A few years ago, SG, some friends, and I were traveling for work. We were to meet at a bar. I forget why, but SG and I arrived separately. I arrived first and caught a seat at the bar to wait. A woman at the bar slid toward me, bar stool by bar stool, until she was almost on top of me. Literally. I made some polite conversation, mostly just answering her questions. I kept thinking, '"Do I have to spell it out?" She was starting to slide her hand up my jacket sleeve, when I made a break for the men's room. Turn around and there was SG and our friends laughing. Apparently the scene was hilarious.

--Gay Guy

Readers, What about you? Have you ever been hit on by someone of the incompatible sexual preference? Leave a comment to let us know.

Gay or Straight: Strut Your Stuff. But Only If You Can Strut.

Gay Guy,

Here's a shocker. Recent research shows that many straight men often fail to impress women when we take to the dance floor. Check out the story and video here.

Researchers studied the freestyle dancing techniques commonly deployed by hapless men in nightclubs, to determine which were most likely to impress female onlookers.

Among their findings they concluded that exaggerated "dad" dancing...was the least attractive.

Another style unlikely to win a woman's heart was "the shuffle", where self-conscious males shift from foot to foot accompanied with the occasional uncomfortable hand-wring.

Highly-co-ordinated and complex dance moves, such as the point-and-shake moves employed by Travolta's character Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever, were deemed the most attractive.

I started to give these guys credit for at least being thorough, and then I read the following paragraph:

Dr Lovatt, who was a professional dancer before he went into academia, filmed 15 short video clips of himself performing different dance moves and blurred out his physical features so that only his movements were visible. He showed the videos to 55 women and asked them to rate how masculine, dominant and attractive each dance move was.

Woop! Woop! Credibility Alert! Talk about a vanity project!

I can just imagine this guy screening his dance clips like an optometrist tests lens combinations. 55 poor women strapped to an exam chair as he asks, "sexier now?... or sexier now?... OK... sexier now... or sexier now?... that may or may not be me, by the way... but it's sexy, right?"

Just because the Travolta-point-and-shake got one middle-aged Brit high marks in a rigged experiment does not make that move a guaranteed success, however. I'm not sure 20-year-old girls of any nationality are buying what he's selling.

Forget the research, this is a no-brainer. Of course women (and gay men) are attracted to guys who can dance in a capable and controlled way. Because (duh!) those skills are probably directly correlated to other, ahem, skills which may be necessary as the evening progresses. It's primal.

A few of us are completely hopeless, of course. But maybe straight guys have been too cautious and reserved in this regard. We might have better luck, as a team, if we loosened up a little. But let's not let gay guys off the hook here either. Have you seen all the "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" YouTube videos out there? Let's all try capable AND controlled for a while, shall we?

--Straight Guy