Collect All 50!

Readers:

A small milestone to celebrate with GG and SG: On the back end (no jokes, please) of the blog we get lots of fun analytics about our reader traffic. One of my favorite bits is a snap shot of the world highlighting each country that's sent a visitor in the last month. Roll over any country to get more information.

When I got the snap shot for the U.S. the past few days, all 50 states are lit up! Yes, we've had at least one visitor from each state in the past month!

Gotcha, Montana. You cannot resist our power.

--Gay Guy

Respondez S'il Vous Gay or Straight

Question from a gay reader:

I recently received a wedding invitation from a friend.

I have chosen not to go because his family has shown some homophobia.

I do like this friend very much but I know that if I choose to bring a date (which would be a guy) that it might be a problem.

I don't like the thought of bringing a female as my date just because it is a straight wedding... but I know it might cause problems if I bring a guy.

Of course I won't go there to make a point or to push buttons. I would just bring my date and celebrate his marriage.

Is it wrong to not go?

STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS:

If the couple and family extend the invitation for you to bring a guest and know that you are gay, then feel free to take them up on that offer. Not to be too blunt here, but does your invite clearly say that you and a "guest" are invited? If not, then don't bring one, gay or straight. Don't kid yourself, weddings are no fun for an outsider, anyway.

If you have the invite, are out to your friends, and are thinking of bringing another dude, then maybe a call to the couple would be a good idea. If uncle Zebadiah will definitely throw a fit when he sees two guys slowdancing to "Careless Whisper," then it's the couple's job to let you know and advise you of your options. But please don't hold it against them if there are any issues. They can't choose their families, or easily change their attitudes.

Your instincts are right. It's not the right moment to take a stand. But that doesn't mean that you can't attend and support your friends. If it's convenient, stay for the ceremony and meal, then skip out before any garter tossing goes awry. Or, if you're having a good time, stay late, have a drink and sing "Last Dance" with Zebadiah. (Yes, your gaydar reading of "protest too much" was correct.)

Caveat: If this is some complicated destination wedding, then you already have plenty of reasons (time, cost, trouble) to back out gracefully. Don't get me started...

Gay Guy was at my wedding, many years ago. He was invited solo and seated at a singles table with some other folks he knew. Lame? Well, I hope he had a good time, anyway. I was glad he was there, but might there have been an issue if he wanted to bring a boyfriend? Not with me, but perhaps with the polka band.

I'm still in debt to GG for also agreeing to attend my bachelor party, which was a shameful farce. Our shenanigans made the morning papers in a less-than-complimentary review. Sad, but true. I'm sure he's glad he didn't try to bring a date to that mess, either.

How 'bout we try to get to national acceptance of gay marriage before we try to make every straight wedding gay-friendly? Long term, I'm optimistic about both.

Go solo and have a good time.

GAY GUY RESPONDS:

"Is it wrong not to go?"

Yes, it is wrong not to go.

Why? It's an honor to be invited to someone's wedding. It is a very special, life-changing day for your friend, who you say you like very much. He is kind to invite you, and you will regret not going. Deciding not to go is one thing if you don't have the vacation days or the money or it's too much travel. But don't stay home for politics' sake.

Your friend didn't get to pick his family, but he did pick you to join him on his special day. He has some idea of what the potential dip in the comfort zone could be. He might even have exerted some real effort against a tide of family pressure in order to make sure you stayed on the invite list.

What's the pressure to bring a date? Bring a friend, male or female, and just have a nice time. And, gay or straight, unless you've been together for a while, weddings are no place to bring a date. Way too much pressure.

What should you do? You've already answered you own question: "Of course I won't go there to make a point or to push buttons. I would just bring my date and celebrate [my friend's] marriage." Ta-dah! That's the answer. You don't need to make out on the dance floor. Not that it's wrong -- it's just not nice to upstage the bride and groom on their big day.

I had a blast at Straight Guy's wedding, especially when everyone hit the dance floor for YMCA!

Your question took me back a few years to a painful incident: One of my best friends from college got married. I knew her family pretty well and had been a guest in their home on many occasions. Despite some pretty conservative values and probably some level of discomfort about homosexuality, they were always extremely kind and generous to me.

At the time of my friend's wedding, I was in a relationship. The wedding invitation came in both our names, not "Gay Guy and Guest," but "Gay Guy and His Gay Guy Partner." Right there on the envelope in my friend's mother's scrawl. Stupid Boyfriend refused to go. Not interested, wouldn't know anyone, blah, blah, blah. I was really hurt, not just because he wouldn't do something I really wanted him to do, but also because I felt like the bride's family had really taken a step forward out of their comfort zone, and that he really rejected that. Upon reflection, I shouldn't hold him accountable for the political angle, only that he wouldn't do something just to make me happy.

Go, go, go to the wedding. Just hide at the bar or in the men's room to avoid the garter toss.

Straight Guy Hall of Shame: Summertime Edition

In case you can't tell, this is Toilet Seat Horseshoes, one of the least sanitary games ever invented.

Notice the lanyard and credentials, important because you absolutely cannot allow the riffraff into these competitions. Security is tight.

I assumed this was a straight guy, but just noticed he's blinged out on pinky rings. Getting a hit on your gaydar, GG? Either way, no wedding ring. Shocker.

--Straight Guy

Good Try, Mr. Chips

More e-mail that came in while I was on Gaycation:

Gay Guy,

It's Mrs. Straight Guy here. I don't usually interject in the blog, but I need some insight into Straight Guy.

I missed you at the last Poker Night. As you know, when Straight Guy hosts Poker Nights, it's often a co-ed event. It's usually a fun evening, with expected offerings such as pizza, chips and beer. While I'm not a stereotypical house mom, I politely stay in the background to manage the kids. I like to give Straight Guy some semblance of a man's Poker Night, even with the wife and kids at home.

Here's my quandary: At the last Poker Night, only females showed up. It was a Poker Harem, if you will. So there was Straight Guy, not only hanging out at the Poker table with all the ladies, but also taking all of their chips. Some wives might worry about the female attention. Straight Guy and I are beyond insecurities like that. I worry more about the chip hoarding. Is Straight Guy in need of confidence boosting? Is he taking advantage of these unsuspecting guests? Or was it all just innocent newbies joining the game on the same night? What's really going on here?

--Mrs. Straight Guy

Dear Mrs. Straight Guy,

Always happy to hear from you.

I'm glad that you and Straight Guy don't have insecurities about peripheral female attention. In all the years that I've know SG, the only longing he's shown outside of his relationship with you has been with Best Buy, the Apple Store, and for a raspberry Danish that I had carelessly left in plain sight.

Regarding SG's winning streak: I'm voting that his luck was due to a harem of poker newbies. SG's a very good poker player, I'm sure, but we never get to see him strut his stuff. He's too nice to his guests: He posts the definitions of the hands, we play a few practice hands, he instructs and gives tips throughout the game. If he was hustling us, he would have made a noticeable dent in your mortgage by now.

Here's some personal perspective: I'm not good at poker. I don't win often, and sometimes even when I do take a hand, I don't even know it until SG slides the chips over to me. (It's a little shaming to need someone to explain why you're the winner.)

But, a few months ago, I had an incredible poker night. I couldn't stop winning. It was like stepping into a movie, right down to cradling my forearms around all the chips and sliding them into my stash. Mine, mine, mine. Just like in the movies.

Winning gave me a real testosterone surge. Very primal. I felt like a caveman who had just bagged a wild boar to feed his cave family through the long winter. So if I felt like thumping my chest and grunting, imagine how SG might feel inside.

I don't think Straight Guy's confidence is in need of boosting from poker chips, but I do think he's entitled to more Alpha Male moments than the 21st century provides any of us.

--Gay Guy

"Do Your Believe that Marraige Should Only Take Place Between. . . CLICK"

Readers,

My mail box filled up while I was away on vacation. Here's a few of the e-mails.

Straight Guy and I received an interesting e-mail from frequent commenter and fellow blogger, Kathryn. Interesting that it came at the same time of California's Prop 8 decision.

Kathryn writes:

"A little FYI: I just got a call from 202.461.3460.

It was an automated poll. Asked if I was registered to vote in NY. (Yes.)

Asked "Do you believe that marriage should only take place between a man and a wo---"

CLICK.

(I hung up)

Obviously, I had a feeling what was coming. . . . "

Kathryn, thanks for being quick with the click.

--Gay Guy

Straight Guys Delaying Economic Rebound

Video from Onion News.

--Straight Guy

Going for Broke -- Morally and Financially

Straight Guy,

Wouldn't it just be better for the health of the State of California if Californians just focused on their budget crisis, and left same-sex marriage alone?

--Gay Guy

The Family Circus Has Subtext?!?!

Wow. I can't be the only one who noticed this and did a double-take. The cleavage, the pole, the money, the raised heel, the near embrace...

Is Bil Keane's marriage in trouble or something? It's just so off-note for this strip. And, hey, is that other woman inspecting the china or Bill's booty?

I scan the comics daily for a few favorites and a few strips that I loathe but can not ignore. I know, I know. Why torture myself? I have no reasonable answer for why I continue to follow Family Circus and Sally Forth. (More on the soul-sucking Sally Forth soon.)

I guess this is why. Go on with your bad self, Mack Daddy Bill.

Praying we get part 2 of this tomorrow...

--Straight Guy

Gaycation

Readers,

Straight Guy gave me a lift to the airport on Friday to help me begin my Memorial Day Weekend getaway to visit a friend. He inquired about our plans. I said that I knew we were going to an art exhibit and having brunch.

SG gave me a slow burn look.

"Oh," he said. "Gaycation."

Was it the brunch?

--Gay Guy

P.S.: Straight Guy: We are going to a baseball game this afternoon. Do I get any straight cred for that?

Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Flings and Little Gays

Check out the embedded ads for the Mars Fling candy bar and something called Europride (educate me, GG).

If there's "a little gay in everyone," mine was on display last night in my white-knuckled viewing of the American Idol final results show. My pick, Adam Lambert, obviously deserved to win, but didn't get the votes. At least he was spared the tragedy of having to continue performing "No Boundaries," this year's metaphor-loaded victory ballad. Kris, the new Idol, actually apologized for winning. Good luck to them both. Nice guys with their own GG/SG dynamic.

Back to the ads... WTF? More examples of how straight guys can't win. The clumsy buffoon in the top ad never stood a chance against a candy bar. In advertising, women are always more aroused by chocolate or shampoo than they are by the men standing right next to them. And, yes, it IS naughty when each packet contains two "fingers" for you to enjoy.

As for the second ad, in my book "a little gay" is a Kenneth Cole purchase or man-crushing on old Steve McQueen movies. I'll own up to both. But, there's nothing "little" about elaborate, full-drag, cabaret performance fantasies. Still, I get it. All in good fun... until his wife comes home early from work one afternoon.

Readers: Anything "a little gay" in you? Do your prefer chocolate to anonymous sexual encounters with schlubby dudes in public places? What's wrong with you?

--Straight Guy