Suzanne, Sophia, or Charlotte: Games Straight Men Don't Play

Straight Guy,

The death of Bea Arthur from the Golden Girls chat forces me to tell you about a little game that gay men used to play.

Take a TV show about four women with diverse and strong personalities. Add four gay men--friends who know each other well works best, but random strangers have been known to hold up in a pinch. Admit which female character you are most like. Enlighten others about their true TV female foursome selves. Laugh.

This started with Designing Women. Golden Girls followed. The tradition had nearly died out when Sex and the City came along.

Yeah, stereotypically gay, but frequently hilarious. Ugh, why do I admit these things? I have no doubt that straight men find this story horrifying.

I don't know if younger gay men play this game with say, Entourage.

Okay: I was consistently voted Julia from Designing Women, Dorothy from Golden Girls, and Miranda from Sex and the City. Yep. The non-nonsense, somewhat aloof, hyper-verbal, acid-tongued ones. Lovely, just lovely.

Why do I tell you this things? You will just torture me with my own story.

--Gay Guy

Divas vs. Hoots: Gay Icons Who Make Straight Men Uncomfortable

Gay Guy,

Thanks for the weekend tribute to Bea Arthur. And also for the not-so-long-ago tribute to Eartha Kitt. I agree with your assessment that these departed gay icons attained their status in some ways by being "tough, sassy, and unafraid." Can I also add that they were, in some way, dominating and slightly mannish, as well as unlucky in love? Plus, they ALWAYS had a great back story (perfect for a one-woman-show).

In other words, they were quite a "hoot."

Not only were they funny, they were fabulous, but in some ways had never been fully accepted. I can see how a gay guy might identify with that.

Many older women fall into the "Hoot" category. Can't the whole "Golden Girls" phenomenon be classified that way? Young women don't seem to qualify, do they? Though I suppose Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho are well on their way. Britney and Lindsay are not Hoots, they are still hot messes, but they have long term Hoot potential.

I hate to break it to those women and the gays that adore them, but from out here in Straightsville, "Hoot" is not a compliment. Wasn't Bea Arthur the gold standard of unattractiveness to straight men? The metaphorical "last woman on earth" with whom we must be forced to procreate. Don't call me cruel... that was the core of her schtick!

I mentioned my "elevator test" in our Eartha Kitt post. Most Hoots would also flunk this test, in that I would NOT enjoy being trapped in an elevator with them. I assume that many gay guys would savor the chance to have Bea or Eartha's undivided attention for an hour or so. Not me. Yes, it's partly because they are intelligent, powerful, and intimidating women. But also because they somehow stand in judgment of us, the generic straight guys. Isn't part of the unlucky-in-love-routine that none of us men have ever really measured up? Been man enough to handle these ladies? Aren't we always just moments away from a withering put-down for being the dolts we naturally are?

Here's a short list of female gay icons who make straight men uncomfortable. It's a proud tradition dating back to Mae West, or further, what do I know?. I'm no expert on the icons themselves, just my uncomfortableness with them. I'll rate them on a Divaness and Hootability 5-star scale, as these criteria are core in determining how intimidating they are. And, correct me if I'm wrong, GG, to be a gay icon, it seems you need a bit of both.

Bea Arthur:
Diva: **
Hoot: ****
Extra hoot points for drag-queen mannishness.



Eartha Kitt:
Diva: *****
Hoot: ***
Very intimidating. Could convincingly deliver DeNiro's "Are you talking to ME?" monologue wearing a bedazzled turban and mink stole.

Dolly Parton:
Diva: ***
Hoot: ****
The exception proves the rule. Meets all criteria, but passes my elevator test. So sue me.


Cher:
Diva: ****
Hoot: **
Low on Hoot score, because who (gay or straight) wants to listen to Cher for long periods of time? Still frightening, though.

Barbara Streisand:
Diva: *****
Hoot: ****
Ultimate diva. But hoot factor has risen in each decade.


Madame (of Wayland and Madame):
Diva: *****
Hoot: *****
The perfect storm of demanding divaness, one-woman-show hootability, and manishness out the wazoo (literally!).

--Straight Guy

Readers, let us know who's on your list, or whether I've gotten any of these completely wrong. Click "comments" below.

Dead Poets Society Protest: "Hating on Everyone"

Straight Guy,

Great article about a protest at Walt Whitman High School from today's Washington Post.

A quick synopsis: Yesterday, students at Walt Whitman High School, in Bethesda, Maryland, a Washington, D.C., suburb, walked out at the end of school to find a protest by a tiny group of fundamental Christian activists from Westboro Baptist Church, Topeka, Kansas. You know Westboro, home to homo-hater Pastor Fred Phelps. The God Hates Fags folks. They were protesting that the high school is named for poet Walt Whitman, generally considered to be gay or at least bisexual. (Or gay and then straight and then roll the roles all over again.)

Way to go with the counter protest, kids (and faculty). Thanks.

I don't need to write anything about how insane Westboro Baptist is. Just watch the news video embedded in the Post story about the protest. It's great. If you still have energy, let Westboro's web site do all the talking.

Bonus: A lovely Whitman poem, a piece of the literary evidence that he was gay. You decide.

--Gay Guy

Bea Arthur, Golden Girl, Gay Buddy, Dies at 86

Actress Bea Arthur died today at 86 of cancer. Read the New York Times obit.

Arthur played some memorable roles: Vera Charles in Mame, both on Broadway and in the film; Maude Findley in Maude, and Dorthy Zbornak in the Golden Girls.

Someplace along the way, she became, if not a gay icon, at least popular among gay men. It's always hard for me to tell you how certain actresses --Joan Crawford, for example--become gay icons. (I once stayed in the "Joan Crawford Room" in a gay bed and breakfast. Decorated to the hilt in 40s and 50s Hollywood glam with lots of black and white stills. Creepy. But that's another post.) One thing about the women who become popular with gay men, they very often, as in Arthur's case, are tough, sassy, and unafraid.

Arthur was deep voiced, no nonsense, and mannish, and so she always wore the pants, no matter what she was in. Who knows if she enjoyed the adjectives used to describe her: caustic, brash, strong, domineering, but I suspect she was just fine with it.

As much as I like Maude and Dorothy, I am a sucker for Arthur's Vera Charles from Mame. Watch a You Tube clip of Arthur singing Bosom Buddies with Angela Lansbury on an awards show. The ton of gravel voice, the timing, the irony, it's all there. Vera Charles was the foundation for Maude and Dorothy.

Also, read a good article in EW embedded with a great segment from Maude. First, there a great quip about Maude's deep voice. Then, some very funny and honest liberal white guilt reveal when Maude first meets her new housekeeper Florida Evans, played by Esther Rolle.

A year ago, fellow Golden Girl Estelle Getty, another popular gal with gay men, died.

--Gay Guy

Shakespeare. Rhymes With Queer?

Straight Guy,

Today is William Shakespeare's birthday. Incidentally, it's generally agreed by scholars that it is also the day of his death. We the literary minded like circular things like that.

Why bring up the Bard's birthday? Because in every English lit class I've taken, the question "Was Shakespeare gay or at least bisexual?" came up. Maybe because Shakespeare dedicated some of his most deeply felt sonnets to the Earl of Southamtpon, who was bisexual. Maybe it's because Shakespeare is wearing an earing in one portrait and only gay men wear earings. No, really, I heard someone say that. Obviously someone who had never watched an NFL game.

Me, I think people ask because there is a lot of gay stuff floating around in his plays.

I've no idea if Shakespeare was gay, but I do believe that he understood being gay, that he knew gay men -- and knew them without judgment. Here's a few reasons why I am certain of this: In the Merchant of Venice, Antonio is clearly in love with Bassanio. Just read the first few pages. Such a deep sigh, that Antonio. Unrequited love is the source of his famous melancholy -- and it's what sets the plot in motion.

In Twelfth Night, Duke Orsino falls in love with "Cesario," who is Viola in disguise. Yeah, yeah, it's one of the cross dressing, masked identity plays, and yes, it all ends well, with Viola coming out. But there is some ambiguity about Orsino's desire. A few years ago, I saw a production of Twelfth Night in which Orsino is getting comfortable and getting off with the lure of Cesario. At the end, when Viola can shed her disguise to marry Orsino, the director of the production had Orsino hesitate at the reveal, and flirt with Viola to persuade her to keep her drag on.

So, what's the point, I hear you ask? Patience, SG, patience. That's just Act One.

In March the authenticators-that-be authenticated a portrait of Shakespeare that was painted in his own time. Quite a find. And, quite a looker, that Will. Adam Gopnik wrote that the portrait makes Shakespeare "look like George in the 'Penny Lane' video, circa 1967" in a witty New Yorker article. It's a portrait so full of hotness that it alone can reopen the sexual orientation chatter.

From a portait? I must say that's some impressive gaydar.

In a San Francisco Chronicle column, Jon Carroll duly notes that, in the newly found portrait, Shakespeare's mouth "has a little decadent curl." Then Carroll goes in with a pointed quill: "Is there something that Shakespeare is doing in that portrait that says to the gaydar-adept citizen, 'Meet me backstage after the performance,'?"

So, here's my synopsis: Act One, it's Shakespeare's birthday. Act Two: People wonder if Shakespeare swung both ways. Act Three: There's a newly found portrait of Shakespeare that shows him as such a total hottie in the way that only gay men can be.

Verily.

--Gay Guy

Gathering Storm of Hot Air

Talk about giving straight people a bad name! Do we really seem this self-important and stupid?

Look, we're all free to disagree, but the NOM's original spot is so nonsensical that I don't even have a response. The leaps in logic are so vast that it's impossible to span the distance. How, exactly, would gay marriage impact a doctor's ability to do his or her job? Actually, what storm?

Yes. I am afraid. But only afraid that folks might not have the media savvy to see through this crap. On the positive side, this does have a "last stand" sense of desperation to it. Maybe we're almost there.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Gay Marriage Commercial

Colbert, as usual, is spot on in his critique. Funny or Die has also put up a spoof.

--Straight Guy

Manly Man Names: Gay/Straight Guy Shortcomings?

Straight Guy,

This article on manly man names is too funny for words. "Dick Pound" is an adolscent boy's dream come true.

--Gay Guy

Nice Find, GG.

I vote for "Commander Flex Plexico." How can you NOT get the best table in the house when your reservation is in that name?

--Straight Guy

Does This Bib Make Me Look Hot?

New marketing campaign puts some hair on your chest.

From the Australian SOLO soda company.
--Straight Guy

Collar Stays: Gay/Straight Haberdashery 911

As Straight Guy mentioned, he and I are out of town on a work assignment. It's tough. Not only is it long hours with little sleep, it involves playing Dress Up Ken all day and night. Yes, it's true: Straight Guy is wearing dress shoes this week. He looks quite dapper, may I add.

Late this afternoon, Straight Guy calls my hotel room. " Gay Guy," he says. "Straight Guy here. Do you bring any . . uhm . . . uhm . . . what are they called? Those pointy things. You know, that go in your shirt/"

"Ah, collar stays," say I. "Yes, I packed collar stays."

Straight Guy swung by my hotel room on his way out. I think he was impressed that I yanked the stays out of the shirt I was wearing to give to him.

--Gay Guy

Helluva Town

Gay Guy and I are working in New York City this week. Big project. Late deadlines. Little sleep. Not much blogging.

Readers, if we get a break, what should we do?

--Straight Guy