Halloween Costumes: The Cat's Out of the Bag

Happy Halloween, Gay Guy,

You've mentioned that Halloween is often referred to as "gay Christmas." Let loose, have fun, but don't let things get out of hand.

Out here in Straightsville, things are more subdued, mostly focused on kids and candy.

One of my daughters asked for a black cat costume this year. She already had black pants and a shirt, so she really only needed to find ears, a tail, and whiskers. No problem, I thought.

Well, let me tell you, it's not easy to find a cat costume that hasn't been stripper-fied. At a party store, we located a set we were happy with, all except for the packaging. Call it a "teachable moment" about stilettos and fish net stockings.

Those items weren't included in the kit (just a tail, ears, and whiskers, one size fits all), but the package also included a black bow tie, which I was unable to explain. A fairly benign accessory, but as a symbol it represents the transition from cat to sex-kitten, no? It makes no sense, don't Playboy Bunnies wear the bow tie with rabbit ears?

We looked, and this was the only cat costume in the entire shop. Obviously there's a huge (and growing) market for edgy adult costumes. I went to a few serious costume parties in my twenties but I don't remember that they were quite as sexed up as they seem to be now. Redefining tricks and treats, I guess...

I take my fatherly responsibilities seriously, and as Chris Rock says, job number one is to "keep them off the pole!... They don't grade fathers, but if your daughter's a stripper, you f-ed up!"

I really don't think I have anything to worry about. She's a great kid. But dammit if she doesn't love that bow tie.

--Straight Guy

Normal Boy Disguises

Straight Guy,

Once again, the Onion has pulled off a miracle. Disguising a parent's Halloween nightmare.

So funny, it's true. So true, it's funny.

--Gay Guy

What Happens When Malibu Ken Turned 50

Straight Guy,

Some things, not even Gay Guy can explain.

Like this.

Admit it, it's things like this that make you frightened of me, isn't it.

--Gay Guy

Manhood for Amateurs: Gay Guy/Straight Guy Book Read?

Straight Guy,

You're a reader, I'm a reader. What about we read something together and then blog about it?

If you're willing, I've found us something to start with-- Manhood for Amateurs: The Pleasures and Regrets of a Husband, Father, and Son, by Michael Chabon, which just came out this month.

Great title, right?

Michael Chabon is one of my favorite writers. I've read a number of his novels -- Mysteries of Pittsburgh, Wonder Boys, and, best of all, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, for which Chabon won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction in 2001. Kavalier & Clay is about a pair of World War II-era comic book artists, and it's on my Top Five books list. I just didn't want it to end.

The new Chabon work is a collection of essays, drawn from his own experiences.

Need help deciding? Watch an interview with Chabon from yesterday's "NewsHour with Jim Lehrer." Or read the New York Times review.

I like the book's title. I usually feel like a rogue amateur as a man. I just keep faking it until I find the manhood rule book hidden away somewhere. But I've been encouraged by Chabon's take on the word "amateur." It's in the clip.

Full disclosure: Chabon is married, but has had same-sex experiences in the past. Whatever. What matters is that his novels are well populated with gay characters. They were so well drawn and realistic that for a long time I had just assumed that he was gay.

Readers, what do you think of my new book scheme? Comment now and let us know.

--Gay Guy

Straight Guy Dictionary: Destructoporn

Gay Guy,

I'm not sure whether to feel sorry for enjoying this clip, or sorry for what remains of John Cusack's career. Oh, who am I kidding? He deserves a payday as much as anyone else, and this one will probably be huge.

From director Roland Emmerich who has previously destroyed the world through alien invasions (Independence Day) and a new Ice Age (The Day After Tomorrow), this new movie, 2012, opens next month.

Boys and their toys, right? This is just a bunch of them stomping around in a multi-million dollar sandbox. There is some palpable glee in all of the tragedy. Let's watch one family get away while millions of others are brutally destroyed. Hey, watch out for giant rolling donuts and traumatized children!

GG, was this on your radar, or is it for straight guys (and their unwilling dates) only?

I'll just pretend to be disgusted with the premise during it's theatrical run, and then sneak it into my NetFlix cue for next summer.

--Straight Guy

Gay/Straight Survey Results: Boys DO Cry

STRAIGHT GUY: Thanks to everyone who took our survey on how much we cry. A relatively small sample, but the results are in... Everyone cries, but gay guys cry more than straight guys, and women cry more than men of any orientation. You can see the details in the survey below, but basically, only 33% of straight men cry more than 10 times a year, while 55% of gay men and 65% of women cry that often. Gay men also had the highest percentage of folks who cry more than 30 times a year, but that was a slimmest segment of every group.

This matches the results from a study of German ophthalmologists who found that men cry 6-17 times a year, while women cry 30-64 times.

I guess I was revealing a stereotype, but I mentioned to GG that I bet that gay guys fall somewhere in the middle, and cry more than straight guys do. He wasn't so sure, but we both thought a survey of GG/SG readers would be interesting.

Tell me if I'm an a-hole, but my assumption was that the genetic differences (yes, I believe in the "gay gene"... nature, NOT nurture) would make gays more emotional than straights. Not a universal judgment of every gay guy out there, but that, in general, gay guys would be more open and less repressed when revealing their emotions.

GAY GUY: Straight Guy, Maybe I am being defensive about my masculinity and that of my fellow gay guys, but I draw your attention to the stat that 15 percent of both gay and straight men responded that they cry "less than 10 times a year" in our highly unscientific survey. Same stat, different orientations. After that, yes, the numbers take different paths.

Am I sounding defensive? I don't want to be a big crybaby about this.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that gay men get an extra teaspoon or two of some hormone that straight men don't get. I don't know that's it's a "female" hormone that makes us more like women, whatever that means. But bet there's some splice of DNA at work here.

On crying: Little gay boys get taught that boys don't cry just as much as little straight boys. Maybe even more, as the nervous parents, not wanting to be outed, just keep tightening the lid. When I came out in college and started to make gay friends -- and meet women who hung out with gay men -- I don't remember that any of them encouraged me me to cry, but there was probably some sense of kinship when it did happen. Encouraged to cry, no; allowed to talk endlessly about what I felt and thought, yes.

By the way, having nothing to do with being gay, I had a 5-minute crying jag in front of my friend in my dorm room the end of my freshman year. A long laugh at a joke weirdly jackknife into a silent sob. It was due the combination of the end of a hard year, finals stress, and being high as kite from smoking pot. My friends cleared the room quickly. I don't remember feeling better at the end of it, just exhausted. My friends did an excellent job of being guys and pretending it never happened, which I greatly appreciated.

If we do cry more, maybe it's because our lives can be harder. Gay kids learn to keep a lot packed in about their own truth and how people will take it in. It's isolating. Let's face it, unless you are one of these super courageous kids taking a same sex partner to the prom, pretty much count on spending that night at home with the remote.

Back to the survey: Cry more than 10 times a year? I can't imagine crying every month. I cry at times of extreme heart break or extreme frustration. Usually the latter.

Straight Guy, can I get some definition on "cry." Are we talking sorrowful sobs only, or are we including the red nose, welled-up eyes and maybe a tear roll when emotionally manipulated during a movie? If that counts as crying then I switch my vote from less than 10 times a year to 10 to 30 times a year.

Not too long ago, there was a commercial for coffee. This young serviceman gets home on a surprise bit of leave, duffle bag slung over his shoulder; he comes into his home with everyone still asleep, and brews a pot of coffee to wake everyone up. His mom comes down stairs... Oh, Lord, I can't even finish typing this post... my eyes are too full of tears....

STRAIGHT GUY: Thanks, GG. I'm going to break this part to you gently... The data doesn't quite break down the way you think. Though the numbers look the same, the percentages are based on the entire survey sample, not yet broken by orientation. The straight male sample was slightly smaller than the gay male. When you do break it down, you find that 66% of straight guys cry less than 10 times per year while only 44% of gay guys cry that rarely. (Next time, I'll embed each segment as a separate survey, or something.)

Thanks for your explanation, maybe there is some "nurture" behind these numbers, too. And yes, I'm thinking of the broadest interpretation, that crying is defined by any emotional response that causes tears, anything from sentimentality to abject terror.

I'm not immune to the sentimental stuff myself, and will admit that I cry from that angle much more often, now that I have kids. My youngest started kindergarten this fall. There was a happy bounce to her step as she began a new adventure. Back in the car, I wasn't holding up that well. And like you, I better sign off now...

Readers?

Superbawl

Gay Guy,

Over the weekend, I'll post the results and some thoughts on our recent survey on crying. But for now, enjoy this video as an example of how some men are brought to tears. Sometimes, we just care too damn much!

Gotta love the gentle dose of straight guy therapy from his bleep-ing friend.

This guy is so hopeless that it's irrelevant whether he's gay or straight. He's not getting any. Period. He seemed fully satisfied by his trembling, bromantic encounter with Umenyiora, anyway. If he's dreaming, don't wake him. Ugh. Did I mention he's hopeless?

A few weeks ago I posted another video of NY Giants fans who were celebrating by airhumping each other to euro disco. Too much wet t-shirt man-love for me, and too much "bro-dude" attitude for you... neither of us would claim them for our teams.

So, bigger question: What are the Giants doing to their male fans that strips them of their masculinity? Stop crying and grinding on each other, or you'll never see a Superbowl again!

[Sidebar: I heard some good things about Patton Oswalt in "Big Fan," a dark comedy about an obsessed Giants fans that opened earlier this year, but the release never got much traction. Trailer here. Adding to my NetFlix cue now.]

Readers, know any fanatics who love their teams, hobbies, or whatever a little too much? Any tears of joy or frustration?

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy at the End of His (Jump) Rope

Straight Guy,

Our readers really enjoyed your Oct. 5 post about that maniacal jump roping team. The video got a bunch of hits.

I've just experienced my own jump rope story. Maniacal, just not choreographed. I worked out with my trainer, who is trying to add more intense cardio to my routine. You can guess where this story is going . . .

She handed me a jump rope and set me to task.

It was an unmitigated disaster. First off, it wasn't a rope at all, but a series of linked plastic tubes. Like pieces of plastic penne. It didn't handle well at all.

As I already knew, I am just not coordinated enough to jump rope. After whistling around my ears, it slapped the floor with a thwack. Another thwack. Then more thwacks. So, I shortened the rope and my swing, then ended up jumping too high, instead of just stepping over it. I was a mess. Eventually, my trainer just took it away from me, with an "Uhmmm, maybe we'll just try this again later."

Yeah, later. Later, when I don't put the whole gym into a surgical and legal risk. I must have been bad, since my trainer never lets me quit anything before it's done to her satisfaction.

I'm okay with my defeat. Though when I see guys who are really good at jumping rope, natural and easy, I'm in awe.

So, back to the trainer issue. You know I've been working out with a trainer for a while. Though I usually call her "the woman I work out with." I have trouble saying the word "trainer." I can't connect that word to me. "Trainers" work with athletes, and that is not what I am. I've advanced quite some bit since my childhood of picked last for basketball, baseball, football . . . curse of the gay guy.

I dreaded gym class, but I now I finally feel like the gym is a place that I belong, not a place where I am an outsider. I've grown a lot more comfortable and confident of my physical self, finally.

--Gay Guy

Cowboy Boots? Girls? Gay Guy Video Confusion Ensues

Straight Guy,

Friday night, a friend and I went to a movie, then stopped at a gay bar for a beer or two. This would count as my maybe-bimonthly appearance at a gay bar. This place plays good videos, or at least a steady stream of them. Keeps the conversation demands to a minimum.

A catchy opening melody started up . . . "I know this song," I thought. But what is it? Why do I know it? I don't recognize the video. Who is that young woman? Who are all those other young women? Why are there women in this video? Wearing cowboy boots? Where are the boys in sunglasses and flip flops?

It was the "real" version of "Party in the USA," with Miley Cyrus herself, not the "Party in the Fire Island Pines" lip sync version, see our Sept. 23 post.

I'd never seen the real thing, only the play on it. Reality has such a fluid meaning today.

I know that the camping it up version got some flack among my peeps -- bad for the cause and all -- but anything that says endless summer is okay with me.

--Gay Guy

Gay/Straight Poll: Who’s Crying Now?

Readers,

Gay Guy and I were talking about men and crying today, and we need your help with some research for an upcoming post. It's completely anonymous, so no need to feel self conscious.

[10/20 update: Think we'll close the poll when we get to 50. Easy to do the math that way. And hey, can anyone send some lesbians our way? Just to fill the gaping hole in our readership demographics. Yikes.]

New Benchmarks for GG/SG

Readers,

We just passed our 400th post (this is 401) here at GG/SG, and are closing in on our second anniversary in November.

Last week was also the first in which we passed more than 1,000 unique readers (thank you, Google analytics).

Thank you to all of our new and loyal readers, and all of those whose comments have added to some great conversations. You are all certainly unique.

--Gay Guy & Straight Guy

Gay/Straight Advice: Gay Bar Regular -- Straight or Bi?

Here's a question from another reader...

I am friends with several gay guys, as well as "straight" guys, who as a friend once said "Need to bite the bullet and taste the rainbow." But this is the situation...

One of the "straights" hangs out at a local gay bar my friends and I frequent. As a straight girl, I'm rarely approached other than to be complimented on my hair or outfit, etc. But the "straight" guy started a flirtation with my friend "Jon", then did an about face a week later and began hitting on me. He says he's more into girls than guys, but the rest of us are skeptical. Now Jon did not show obvious enthusiasm at his advances, and at the moment I am ambivalent to his flirtation.

The question: Is he really that confused, or is he trying to make Jon jealous by flirting with a girl who is also Jon's good friend?

In a related question, yet another reader asked for our take on bisexuality, whether "it actually exists," so let's get to it.

STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS:

Let me start by admitting that "gay bar drama" is not a specialty of mine. But, even I know that these establishments serve several useful purposes, one of the lesser acknowledged ones is to provide a safe haven for straight girls who are tired of getting hit on. So strike one against the flirt-addict already.

My gut says that a self-proclaimed straight who is a regular at a gay bar, takes shots at all passersby, and misses on all counts (responses range from ambivalent to non-enthusiastic... ouch!) might have more than a few issues to work out. All we know for sure is that the guy is lonely. Gay and hopeless? Straight and creepy? Bi and desperate? Your guess is as good as mine. But he doesn't sound like a "keeper" in any of those scenarios.

As to whether he's "more into" girls or guys? Whatever. We'll have to assume that he's into whatever he's hitting on at the moment. Maybe he is trying to play you against each other. But let's not label him a player until he's actually got game.

Which leads us to the other topic...

As to the existence of bisexuality, sure, why not? Probably very rare, but why write it off? Mostly, though, it's a label that's not applied properly. GG and I have discussed the "girls gone wild" double-standard: girls are allowed (often encouraged) to explore their bi options and are allowed to return to straightdom, guys who experiment are labeled as gay forever. No, it's not fair, but that's the current scenario. (SG post / GG post)

Pro bisexuality folks probably say that it's taking life and love without limits, which sounds good as an abstract. But I can't imagine a more tiring, complicated, and drama-filled existence. For this straight guy, mastering ONE model for relationships has proven pretty exhausting and plenty rewarding, thank you very much.

I play a fair amount of video games (a few all nighters, but nothing tragic, don't worry). It takes weeks or months to acquire the skills, and build the strength, to complete the story of each game. When you finally win, the programmers often give you access to "secret bonus levels" where they throw a ridiculous amount of obstacles and opponents at you, all at once. The frenzy is supposed to be fun, but I immediately lose interest in these ultra-complicated conquests. And yes, you have just been hit with a lame straight guy metaphor where bisexuality = bonus level. Sorry.

If there is a sliding scale, and bisexuality is really out there, you'd have to be doubly attractive and have twice the energy to make it work... or else you'll just be twice as lonely when nothing clicks, right? (See example, above.) Sorry if that sounds harsh, but let's not assume that all bisexuals are skanky 20-somethings of the late-night Cinemax variety, right?

I'll let GG talk more about the folks who change teams along the way. Maybe a few of them are truly bi. I think most of them probably spent too long trying to be something they weren't.

So, yes. One uninformed vote for the existence of bisexuality. Though it's rarer, and probably not as easy, and certainly not as hot, as we're led to believe by pop culture. Readers?

GAY GUY RESPONDS:

Wow, lots of material here. Thanks, readers, for the questions, and thanks, Straight Guy for another well-conceived, well-articulated and revealing post.

For our straight gal pal reader getting hit on by a guy who says he more into girls than guys . . . while he's hanging in a gay bar . . . Please, please listen to your "ambivalence" about him. Right now, your ambivalence is your best friend. Repeat: Keep listening to your instincts. In fact, pump up the volume.

Maybe someday this serial, equal opportunity flirter will become a gem. But he'll be someone else's gem because you don't have enough time to help him along. Even if he's truly bisexual or keeping his romantic options open, he needs to work on his technique. Like a better use of venue. If he's in a "gay today" mood, the gay bar makes sense, but don't hit on the woman in the gay bar. It's just too confusing to everyone, too ripe for collateral damage. Think about the Bermuda Triangle for the gay guy building up the ego to take step one with what he reasonably thinks is another gay gay, but one who's working it with the straight girl. Not cool. Plus, if Mr. More Into Girls Than Guys, But Keeping My Options Open and Crowded is into you, he needs to strap on some class and find a nicer way to deal with you plus Jon.

Trying to make Jon jealous by hitting on you? Confused? Uh . . . no. He's just a mess, and I agree with SG -- it's more than a little sad that's he's striking out with both you and Jon in rapid succession. Best case scenario, he's an attention whore. If he wanted to make an impression on Jon, he'd make a good one. That would mean being to nice to you, not flirting with you.

Bisexuality. It just seems untidy to me. I'm sure it exists and I don't write it off, but it's pretty rare in my experience. And messy. My experience of bisexual men is that the women they are involved with are just a way station on the path to living as homosexuals. As in, "Today's bisexual is tomorrow's homosexual." Or was that "Today's vegetarian is tomorrow's homosexual?" Or tomorrow's vegetarian. I don't remember anymore.

I like women. I like women a lot. I've always been comfortable with them. I think I deal with them as, well, women. Not gay men with breasts and an unfamiliar Southern Hemisphere. But, not since high school did I experience the feelings, longing, and misery with them that I feel with other men.

Maybe bisexuality gives you more options. But, it looks exhausting to me. Or maybe I can't handle the fear of rejection from more than one flank at a time. I don't deal well with lots of choices; I just shut down. This summer, a server handed me a wine list that resembled a legal brief prepared for a Supreme Court appearance. On top of that, it was in tiny, single-space type. My best option became to order a Bud Light (in Napa, not less -- horrors). The server sensed by blankness and brought the "29 wines at 29 bucks for our 29th anniversary" list. Much better.

Okay, I'm gotta jump into the shower for dinner and a show with a friend, so I'll end here. I'd like to circle back to guys who switch teams along the road. Remind me to come back to it.

P.S. "Bite the bullet and taste the rainbow" is priceless!!

Marge Simpson in Playboy? Doh!

Gay Guy, Readers,

So I've been honest with you about some early impure thoughts involving the toons of my youth (see previous Veronica/Betty posts). I'll even fess up to a realization I had while watching an old Popeye cartoon where Olive Oyl was strutting her marginal stuff and trying to catch Popeye's attention... I must have been 7 or 8 years old, and spent a few moments wondering, "what is she up to?," before it clicked. She went from annoying to interesting in one moment. Sad, but true, that even Olive Oyl had enough mojo to spark previously dormant hormones.

From there, I passed several years fascinated with the females of the Hanna Barbera cartoons (Betty Rubble, Penelope Pitstop, Judy Jetson) before venturing into "mature" live action fantasies involving Ginger AND MaryAnn ("Take it easy ladies, there's enough Preteen Straight Guy to go around!"). Don't hate on me for mostly rooting for Ginger. Shallow, but expected, right?

Anyhow... This conversation is only marginally appropriate because I am sharing the news that the next issue of Playboy will feature a cover and "modest pictorial" of Marge Simpson. Yeah, she's had a few risqué moments through the years, and I'm sure some boys of the youngest generation had the boy/girl paradigm shift while watching the Simpsons. I say it's healthy. Weird, but healthy.

(To be clear, I am NOT recommending the magazine for kids.... If I had access to a "Women of Gilligan's Island" Playboy pictorial at that age, I might have crumpled to the floor in a hormonally induced seizure.)

OK, now it's your turn. Let us know about the hotties and/or hunks that had a pre-teen impact on you. It can't get any worse than Olive Oyl... Can it?

--Straight Guy

Gay/Straight Advice: Come Up and Do Some Homework With Me Sometime ... Naked

Readers,

We put a call out for more gay/straight advice questions. An anonymous reader posted; here's an excerpt from his question and our thoughts.

There's this guy in my acting class . . . and a few days ago we had this flurry of text messages back and forth. Now, I know it's a text, and a text isn't a substitute for actually speaking to someone, but I just don't know if he was serious or if he was joking. Are there any signs I can watch for, in class, that he might be serious about maybe trying to be with me? I am incredibly confused.

Anonymous, your post doesn't give us quite enough information to go on. I feel like you've left out all the good parts. Why did text you and what did the texts say? In what context did you give him your number? I assume because you were working on an acting assignment together. Serious or joking about what? But, here's a few general thoughts:

First off, guys and their affections can still be confusing, even at your (college) age. So, don't get discouraged by feeling confused. Second, from the limited info I've got, objectively I would say that a lot of texting probably means that he wants something from you. The questions is what does he want, and does he even know what he wants. If the texts were all logistical --when to meet and where --then who knows.

Signs to watch for to see if he's interested? I'd look for whether he makes good eye/face contact when he talks with you, does he hang out for a few minutes after your class to touch base with you, does he generally seem happy to talk with you. Basically, does he act like he finds you interesting and that he looks forward to seeing you.

But, my advice is to get beyond reading tea leaves and get some real information. Make some light, friendly moves and see how he reacts. Suggest something --doesn't need to be intense--and see how he reacts. Does he want to meet at the cafeteria and get something to eat? Just hang out at the library and study?

Again, we think we need more info. Keep in touch.

--Gay Guy

Do Tell

Readers,

We don't let things get too heavy here at GG/SG, but if you're unaware of Joseph Rocha's story, please read. He was a victim of the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, and his story has more than a few tragic twists and turns. Despite what he's been through, he still hopes to actively serve again. But for now, he's gone public with his story in the hopes that he can make a difference.

The more I talk about what happened to me, the more I hear from others who have been in similar situations. Students in the service academies calling me, crying, asking if they should quit. World War II veterans. Enlisted soldiers serving overseas. They are hopeful that we may soon have a different kind of military, that gay and lesbian men and women can serve the country we love with job security and dignity.

If you're really interested, he'll be online at the Washington Post's web site tomorrow to take questions.

I'm not naive enough to think that combat operations and political correctness are an easy mix. I am sincerely grateful to those who volunteer, and I don't claim to understand what any of them has to go through. But, I hope there's room for more guys like Rocha, and they should never have to suffer through prejudice and petty politics in order to sacrifice and serve.

--Straight Guy

Yeah, Well, Anybody Could Do That With a Camera

Straight Guy,

A friend forwarded me this YouTube clip of Sam Tsui. Tsui's a Yale student who sings and makes videos. He's becoming something of an internet hit, thanks to a boost from Perez Hilton, if you can call a shout-out from Perez Hilton a credible career accessory.

On his Facebook page, Tsui writes: "Singing and creating music is what makes me happy, and something I couldn't ever imagine not doing!" (I know my bargain-basement college education insecurity is showing but how did the lad get into Yale with a triple negative phrase like the last one?)

He is really talented, and I enjoyed the Michael Jackson medley. You're an MJ fan, so I hope you do, too.

But what is going on with the jeans? There is something oddly ill-fitting. Is she sporting some kind of 21 century cod piece? Is the fading just sort of tragic?

--Gay Guy

P.S. I've no idea if he's gay or straight. Just liked the clip.

No. I Do Not Need to Meet Your Wife

Straight Guy,

Last night, my friend David took me to a reading. Being in that concert hall for the first time in years brought back this memory from way down deep.

Some time ago, I dated this guy for a few weeks. He told me that he had been married; in fact, he might only have been separated at the time, I don't remember.

He and I went to a concert (in the same hall where David and I were last night). I don't think the lights had dimmed before I realized he knew a lot of people there. A lot. Turns out his wife was one of the performers, so he knew the band's followers.

Okay, we're there to see his wife. That was fine. Just would have been nice to know first. But fine.

Concert ends. "Want to go backstage and meet my wife?"

"Uh, no," I said. "No, I don't." "No?" "Uh, no."

He couldn't really understand why it wasn't something I wanted to do.

God, I had forgotten that whole story.

--Gay Guy

Gay/Straight Gift Guide: Spread the Love

Shouldn't be any late-night misunderstandings after these are installed. But folks in the BTQ categories might have to buy more than one set. Mix and match, people.

From a designer in St. Petersburg. Check out the other options, sorry they're not really for sale. Any of our readers have a story where this kind of signage might have made a difference?

--Straight Guy

Archie Up for a Polygamy? Maybe More?

Gay Guy,

I was right! Kind of.

In a post earlier this summer, I mentioned that I was disappointed that Archie had proposed to Veronica (driving Betty to tears). My gut also told me that this wasn't the end of the A/B/V triangle.

In the new issue, Archie proposes to Betty. How is that even legal?

Turns out the multipart episode allows Archie to explore his future options by taking different side roads as he wanders down "memory lane." Yeah, it's a cheap gimmick, but sales are up from 2,500 copies earlier this year to 54,000 copies for the recent books (and those numbers are only for US-based comic shops).

Look, this is GG/SG , so we all know where this joke is headed. Why not let Arch explore ALL of his options. (Found via BuzzFeed but source unknown.) Hah. You go, Jughead.

Maybe I'm over-invested here because Betty and Veronica, along with Josie and the Pussycats, were a central focus of my early sexual awakening. Ohhh, Betty, Betty, Betty....

Oops. TMI? Well, too late now. I think GG is keeping a list somewhere. File Betty just after Barbarella, if you're wondering.

Does anyone else care about this? Does Archie even deserve either one?

--Straight Guy

[Check out this NYT slideshow for all of the REAL covers, some sample pages, and their story on the phenomenon.]

Gay/Straight Advice: The Doctors Are In

Readers,

We've seen a substantial increase in visits, comments, subscribers, and friends. We can't thank you enough. We are grateful for your support and only wish we could quit our day jobs and entertain ourselves you full-time.

But we haven't been asked for our advice in a while, and we think these posts are often the most fun to write.

You can send a question to the e-mail contacts in the right margin or you can leave an anonymous reply to this or any post (we get notified of responses to even our oldest posts). In either case, we will do all we can to protect your identity as you wish. Ask away...

Not sure what we're talking about? Here's a link to our recent advice posts. And here's a collection of advice posts from the GG/SG dark ages (2008).

--Gay Guy & Straight Guy

Picking Up Men In Uniform: Double Dutch Treat

I think the appropriate response to Gay Guy's last post is to ask the question: "What do men in uniform love?" I've found the answer, and it's not what you think.

Here are the King's Firecrackers, an Ohio-based, all-girls, jumprope squad. Watch and enjoy as the plebes and midshipmen of the US Naval Academy completely lose their cool!

Gay Guy, forget about modern interpretive dance, this is entertainment.

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy Submits to Cliche, Declares "I Love a Man in a Uniform"

Straight Guy,

As you --more than anyone-- know, Gay Guy has needed some time away from his routine. So I took my cranky ass away for a weekend jaunt to Charleston, South Carolina. The trip was wonderful and just what I needed.

I knew of Charleston's reputation as a sophisticated and beautiful city, with a rich history, districts of historic houses and gardens, and good food. All true. I fell in love with the city right away, and want to go back soon.

In addition to its inventory of history and beauty, Charleston is the home of the Citadel, the military college. I don't know the the first thing about the Corps of Cadets' lives, but I wouldn't be surprised if the young men are chained to campus during the week, because they were out and about the city all weekend. Must be they can't change out of their uniforms when they leave campus, so you can spot them coming: gray trousers, fitted white short-sleeve shirt, and a cap.

So, this brings us to uniforms as sexual fetish. I've never been turned on by a uniform. There's a tradition, or at least a lore, of gay guys getting into the cop or military look. Not me. I just don't get it. But I'll admit that the look of these young men in their uniforms was provocative -- not so much as making them into sex objects (late teens and early 20s, complete with acne, no thanks) or by cocky attitude (they were unfailingly polite). But they looked great in those uniforms. Of course, the young men are fit, as one would expect from a Citadel cadet. Like strands of spaghetti. Oh my, such flat stomach and slim hips. And flat asses. Not one round ass in the corps. If it's the Citadel uniform pants that makes those hips look so slim, I'll order a pair or two.

Uniforms, chapter 2: I took a boat cruise around the harbor and out to Fort Sumter National Monument. On the cruise were a dozen fine examples of the British Navy. They were between assignments --one of them tried to explain it to me, but I couldn't understand it. There were all in gleaming white uniforms with blue trim. About half of them were in middy blouses and caps. They looked to be late 20s or 3os, so my checking out their . . . errr. . . uniforms, didn't feel creepy. A few were stunners, and the uniforms were a huge part of it.

I might have made my decision about uniforms fetish too hastily.

(I guess the park ranger at Fort Sumter is chapter 3 in the tale of uniforms, but the hat is a buzz kill.)

--Gay Guy

Straight Guy Gift Guide: Backpack Boat

This video fascinated me until it cut away just at the moment he was about to get in. That's the ONLY moment that mattered. I want to see a 200 pound guy getting into a flimsy, fabric boat, unassisted. Can it be done? We'll never know.

By the way, if you want a boat this badly, get a real boat.

--Straight Guy

Gay/Straight Stereotype Alert: What Women Want

see more Funny Graphs

Gay Guy,

Found this on the web today. Mostly a slam at straight guys, but don't you find this kind of logic ("All the good ones are gay or taken!") a little insulting, too? If I know a couple of nerdy, jerky, or not-so-bright gay guys, you must know dozens.

Plus, our graphs are so much better than this, right?

-Straight Guy

Straight Guy,

Sure the logic is off, but lots of gay guys subscribe to a version of this chart, not just straight women. I do hear a memorable number of women -- some of a certain age, some in major urban areas that attract/are a good home for gay men--that say exactly what you suggest: "All the good ones are gay or taken." I guess I should take it as a compliment and run. (Not that I am especially evolved versus the average straight guy, but I do still get a few "If only you were straight, Gay Guy," from single straight women friends.)

The gay guy version of the chart is, "All the good ones are already in relationships, on the rebound, or are so emotionally crippled/unavailable that they aren't worth the renovation costs." I am getting close to this mantra myself.

But that's the wound: Sure, it's easy and kinda fun to blame the environment, but by some principle of mathematics, you end up with, "I'm single, so I must be on the rebound (not) or an emotional toxic waste site." Not good options.

I look at some of my straight women friends and think, "How could you possibly be single -- you're attractive, nice, going some place with your life, have a manageable amount of emotional baggage." I say the same thing about some gay guy friends, too. But, there are also the ones who have such an emotion defense that the "why single?" questions answers itself. Or social skills that don't attract. Like a friend who was walking down the main drag of Provincetown -- gay summer mecca-- and flossing his teeth. Talk about cock block. Yep, I see why he's single.

One of my defense mechanisms, a pretty common one I think, is to look at an attractive gay man, and tell myself that he's most likely either dumb or stuck on himself. It's all jealousy and based on zero data. Finding out that he could be nice, well-rounded, and down to earth would be proof that God can be unkind, and who needs more of that?

-- Gay Guy

P.S. Your graphs are SO much more interesting.