Straight Snapshot: Addicted to "Gimme" Caps

Gay Guy,

You're probably not getting a buzz on your gaydar from these two, I'm guessing.

But please recognize the commitment to fashion that these two gentlemen have demonstrated... in their own way. And, just as we are never meant to see the Geisha without the ghostly makeup, these two should never have been made to suffer the indignity of appearing without their trucker hats. Oh, the shame.

Thanks to the often-updated mugshot gallery at the Smoking Gun for these. As to why I found myself browsing those web pages, I have no reasonable explanation.

--Straight Guy

Spittin' Image

Straight Guy,

Please, please, please explain why straight men spit, all the time and everywhere. I can't stand to see it.

I am not talking about an ESPN's close-up of tobacco-chewing baseball players; that's color. I am asking about run of the mill, average Joes who see a spit zone where I see a sidewalk. Just walking along, getting home, and then they thwap one out. Today's gem was a guy in the shower at the gym who filled his mouth with water from the shower head, then let one loose on the floor. I don't mean rinsed his mouth, I mean brought something up. It had velocity. Sorry to be gross.

Gay gay don't spit that much. Of this I am certain. (Sure, I spit when I run, but I have the decency to find a patch of grass upon which to deposit it.)

So, SG, are my sensibilities too refined?

--Gay Guy

See, and just the other day I decided to take a picnic break and sit for a spell on an inviting patch of grass, and what should I find? A monster loogie recently "thwaped out" by Gay Guy.

But geez, how can this straight guy even manage to type this out without all of my slobber and drool short-circuiting the keyboard? Easy on the stereotypes, GG. Your team spits, too. Please. But anyone who makes a show of it is rude. I'll give runners and other fitness types a little leeway... unless they are on the treadmill next to me.

I once had a friend who would regularly plug one nostril while clearing the other into mid air. A true caveman, he was, in all respects except that he was an engineering genius. We walked 2 steps behind him, not out of respect, but to avoid the flying mucus.

Mostly, I think spitting is just a bad habit. Once you start, you can't stop. I don't really forgive the baseball players, though. All that spitting and crotch grabbing. They are puberty boys, obsessed with their own junk and bodily emissions. They need to get over themselves and focus on the game. (This is a sore spot for me. Viewership is down because games are regularly 3 hours plus, directly due to all of the posing and posturing... including spitting, package positioning, batting glove adjustment, etc. Lets get to the next pitch, boys, and save all the pregnant pauses for moments of actual drama. Back to the topic...)

As we learned from your gay refrigerator, your sensibilities are too refined. I have the feeling that a name change to "Latvian Turmeric Expectoration" might change your tune.

--Straight Guy

Anatomy of a Bromance

Straight Guy --

Long time GG/SG reader "Straight in Upstate" writes that he was caught completely unaware of and bewildered by the "Bromance" phenomena. Like we're making it up. . . in the great tradition of Big Foot or the Loch Ness monster.

Here's the Bromance make-up lesson: Let the banter between McSteamy and McHotty on Gray's Anatomy (April 24 episode is as good an example as any) be your primer.

--Gay Guy

Sci-Fi Sex-Ed

Gay Guy,

Great posts on the movies and moments which led you to "know."

For me, I think there were fewer lightbulb moments. But, in particular, I must thank the regional UHF programming executive who scheduled Jane Fonda's Barbarella for a Saturday afternoon sometime in 1979. He has no idea of the lasting damage he has done to me and, I'm sure, many others.

Barbarella's zero-G costume changes... Barbarella smoking the man-bong... Barbarella tortured in the Excessive Machine...

On that Saturday afternoon, I was wondering why an 11-year-old boy can't just have the whole house to himself for a while! Jeepers!

If my father had been part of a live Apollo moon landing, I would not have changed the channel. I knew I had stumbled upon something I was not ready for, and I was paralyzed. My level of fascination was matched only by my sense of dread that I would be found out at any moment (In those days, TVs were centrally located in high traffic areas). I probably only had 15 or 20 minutes with Barbarella, but it was more than enough.

So yeah, I "knew" I was straight before I met Barbarella. But she answered many questions, and raised a few more. It was the worst sex-ed curriculum ever created. I hear Robert Rodriquez (Desperado, Sin City) is planning a remake. Maybe I'll get answers there.

If you haven't seen it, the original is incredibly bad, visually trippy, and campy out the wazoo. So maybe something for both sides here... if you have the house to yourself.

I'll never watch it again. It could never measure up to what I remember.

--Straight Guy

Step Away from the Glockenspiel, Gay Guy

Hey GG,

I know our tastes don't always overlap, but here is research we can both agree on.

After an exhaustive survey of people's least favorite sounds, researchers commissioned a composition of most unwanted music. Here are some details from Wired's Listening Post blog...

undesirable elements included holiday music, bagpipes, pipe organ, a children's chorus, Wal-Mart, cowboys, political jingoism, George Stephanopoulos, Coca Cola, bossanova synths, banjo ferocity, harp glissandos, oompah-ing tubas and much, much more.

Stream:

Download MP3: Komar & Melamid and David Soldier - "The Most Unwanted Music"

I may be a glutton for punishment, but there are parts of this 20-minute monstrosity that I actually like. Check out the cowboy lyrics sung by an opera diva over a rap beat at about 10:15 in...

If they had just asked me, I could have pointed them to Newsong's "The Christmas Shoes," which based on its annoyance factor, must contain multiple elements from the list above. Mix it with that "Pina Colada in the Rain" song and my ears may start to bleed.

What's your worst ever, GG?

--Straight Guy

-------------------------

Straight Guy,

You've been threatening me with that Christmas Shoes song for more than a year now.....

It's not a gay song, but here's what came to mind when I read your post about worst song. Years ago, a coworker told me that she was hot for this guy, but she had a nagging fear that he was gay. She asked him about it point blank; his response was to sing Sometimes When We Touch to her.

I love that story.

--Gay Guy

Join the discussion to let us know your least favorite sounds or songs.

Anonymous Sources

The recent Blogger interface upgrade has made "anonymous" the default ID for comments. Boring. We like mystery, but now we can't tell you apart.

You can still sign off creatively (without registering) by using the "Name/URL" option in the comment box. Hope to hear from you. 

You can also send us a question by e-mail using the links in the column on the right.

--Straight Guy

Speedo, We Know

Straight Guy,

A few weeks ago, I admitted on here that Michael York in the film the Three Musketeers was my first celebrity crush. But, having sorted out my facts, that crush wasn't until 1973.

My first celebrity sexual crush was during the Summer Olympics in 1972. Mark Spitz and those seven gold swimming medals across his smooth chest. I remember sneaking furtive looks at the Time magazine cover of Spitz and feeling a profound guilty pleasure. I knew the desire was wrong, but I knew I wanted to look. It's probably when I 'knew.'

The impact of the image of Mark Spitz on a budding gay boy is pretty easy to understand. It was probably my first site of male flesh besides my own. It was a gay hormone rush. I would only assume that nearly two decades later, the dozens of Michael Phelps magazine covers, Time magazine once again of Michael Phelps in a Speedo (Summer Olympics 2004) had pretty much the same effect on a new generation of gay boys. Easy to get the allure.

But answer me this, Straight Guy: When straight guys look at a magazine cover photo of a hot guy with a fantastic body wearing a Speedo racer (Spitz to Phelps) why do they say, "Oh, my God, I am looking at gay porn," not "Wow, what a great athlete." It's the trunks, right? If Men's Health has a cover of a shirtless football player in voluminous exercise shorts, that's straight, right? What makes a Speedo racer trunk gay? Whatever it is, I'm glad of it.

Deep sigh, when I turn on the Summer Olympics in a few months, I will miss the turn on that men's swimming used to have. The "One Suit" down to the knees might might please the Amish but they don't watch TV. But, I do love this One Suit commercial.

--Gay Guy

You Complete Me, Bro.

Another anonymous question for Gay Guy and Straight Guy...

Should I be concerned if my husband is in a bromance with his 3 best friends from elementary school? One is particularly sensitive and needs extra attention from the other three and periodically they have conflicts about open and honest communication.

[Scroll down for recent posts on the "bromance" phenomenon.]

Look, having lifelong friends is something to celebrate. But I can tell from your brief description that catty behavior is part of their regular routine.

Guy friends should be pretty non-judgmental... If you don't hear from Dude A for a while, forgive him and assume he'll call when he gets out of prison. If you are hurt that Dude A called Dude B first with some big news, or troubled by the fact that Dude C was in your wedding party, but now you're only invited to his.... then you care too effing much. That's a relationship, and it's too much for work for most of the guys I know. We fail at other relationships all the time, why do we need to add more work and potential for failure?

I'm familiar with the current expression, "Bros before Hos." But this is both offensive and tragically wrong, too. Guys shouldn't have to care about ranking their friendships against their pursuit of women. Because their friends should wish them well in their pursuits, and welcome them back when they fail.

I don't know if you have cause for concern, Anonymous. Not enough details here. Your husband isn't the needy one, is he? Do these "conflicts" distract him from your relationship? Either way, there's not much you can do. A woman who tries to break up a bromance will only reinforce the perceived need for one.

--Straight Guy

God, I sound like a stereotypical straight man.... but an unrelenting quest for "open and honest communication" is pretty much related to ensuring a steady stream of sex. And, love, too, of course. Even in the gay world.

--Gay Guy

Congrats, Straight But Fabulous

Congrats go out to "Straight But Fabulous," frequent GG/SG contributor. She rocked in today's Boston Marathon, completing the race in only slightly more time (3:30) than it took for me to get from slapping the alarm clock to walking out the door for work.

Straight Guy and I celebrated SBF's accomplishment with a joyful $2 spending spree at the office vending machine. Pop tarts for SG, Snickers for me.

I'm not always a Snickers bar fat ass. I ran a marathon once. (No one was more surprised than me.) I 'trained,' if you could call it that, partially because SBF 'suggested' I do so and she does not take 'no' for an answer.

But, ultimately my decision to go through with it was, like so many other decisions in my life, based around a guy I was love-sick over. I'm not sure I started 'training' to impress him, but I know I went through with it because he decided to stop seeing me.

This is a symptom of gay math. As in "you dumped me, divided by --in totally unrelated news-- I ran 26.2 miles, equals you will realize your sheer stupidity in matters of the heart."

I only know about being gay. Do straight people have this kind of stupid math, too?

--Gay Guy

Potayto, Potahto, Tomayto, Tomahto

Reader RG gives us a link and asks about the divide in straight / gay food...

Top 10 most disgusting candies

Can you tell me if there is such a thing as straight food or gay food? Or do you guys eat the same thing? Remember this book?: Real Men Don't Eat Quiche

Thanks, RG. Gross link, but a good topic. I'll admit that in the real world my gaydar is weak. But in the grocery store, I think I'm more on target. Is it this easy...?:

Straight Food / Gay Food

• Pancakes / Crepes
• Sandwiches / Wraps
• Salsa / Guacamole
• Pies / Tarts (see exception below)
• Pop Tarts / Toaster Strudel
• Jello / Flan
• Froot Loops / Kashi
• 2% Milk / 1% Milk
• Doritos / Triscuits
• Yoo-Hoo / Silk Milk
• Gatorade / Vitamin Water
• Apples / Pears
• Ham Quiche / Mushroom Quiche
  

Do you have a list GG? I'm blanking on gay junk food (Triscuits don't count.)

Great article here, by the way. Apparently the BLT sandwich is a big tipoff.

[UPDATE: Gay Guy and Straight Guy were out and about yesterday and happened upon an ice cream truck. Straight Guy got an ice cream cookie sandwich, Gay Guy ordered a Mango Dreamcicle. Please. Case closed.]

--Straight Guy

Aren't you surprised that "Fruit Loops" is straight?

I am standing in front of my refrigerator. Here is the assessment.....

Gay food in my frig:

• White wine
  
• Fat-free mayo
  
• French sea salt
  
• Fresh organic thyme
  
• Pomegranate juice
  
• Marmalade
  
• Frozen Acai smoothie packs (not even sure what these are)
  
• 3 votive candles
  

Straight food in my frig:

• Latvian rye bread
  
• Frozen meat loaf
  
• Applesauce
  

Questioning food in my frig:

• Yogurt
  
• Maple syrup
  

--Gay Guy

GG, GG, GG... where did you get the impression that straight guys come home from work, turn on ESPN, crack open a beer, and enjoy hunks of refrigerated Latvian rye bread?

And double check... Are you also telling us that you have so many scented candles that you are storing the overflow votives in your crisper drawer and labeling them as food?

Look, it's clear that the gay/straight food divide is easily identified by the use of descriptive modifiers. Look at your adjective-heavy list of gay foods... then look to my list, where the only modifier is: "ham." The exception to this rule is Marmalade which is definitely an "out" condiment (as well as a famous disco prima donna).

--Straight Guy

Check your pantry and let us know... Gay or Straight? Join the discussion here.

How Do You Spell "Norelco Beard Trimmer"?

What do you see?

It's the facial hair font! From a Russian designer who may have too much time on his hands. Good work. Hippie commune men's groups now have the perfect font for the masthead of their newsletters.

And, no, Gay Guy and Straight Guy are not well represented by any of the samples above.

--Straight Guy

Beware The 11-Wides of March

Regular reader, TJ, sent us this question last night:

My straight guy friends live and die for March Madness. What does March Madness mean to you two?

Happy to answer your less-than-timely question, TJ. In fact, I'll try to answer for both of us and GG can deny or confirm his portion. First, I'll point out the surprising fact that Gay Guy has attended the NCAA Final Four tournament, while I have not.

For me, the "madness" of last month was not found in basketball playoffs, but rather in a newly purchased pair of Kenneth Cole shoes. I don't think I'd ever shopped there before, but based on GG's past posts, I decided I needed to take a look. The salesman was less than impressed that I was wearing tube socks to try on dress shoes (is this a no-no, GG?). He also attempted an ambush makeover a la Carson Kressley, but I grabbed my shoes (75% off!) and got out of there before I was forcibly accessorized.

I noted when I got home that I chose the "Wet N Wild" model, which only makes me more self-conscious. They are comfy, though. And still on sale, FYI.

Question within a question, GG... what is is the slightly upturned toe in all of these KC shoes? I was in Johnston and Murphy immediately before, and their models were much flatter (click for comparison at right). Is this another gay/straight divide? I bought a pair from each store. Are my feet bi?

As to Gay Guy's spring-related mental illness, he is an admitted neat-freak. That's putting it lightly. I can only assume that his recent spring cleaning bordered on a CDC decontamination drill utilizing autopsy-grade disinfectants. Am I wrong, GG?

--Straight Guy

SG aka Mister Man and/or City Slicker,

Welcome to the world of Big Boy Shoes. I can only hope I've finally influenced an upgrade.

You don't need to be so delicate. Kenneth Cole shoes ARE gay. I know already. I don't want to make Kenneth Cole shoes into a low-grade gaydar, but bad shoes = straight guy. (Bad shoes on a gay man better be cute and endearing in a college professor kind of way.)

Your chart divides shoes into gay shoes (first two rows) and straight shoes (second two rows). I am fine with that. The most important thing: You would wear the shoes shown in the bottom half to go to a meeting with Dick Cheney. You would not wear the shoes from the top half to go to a meeting with Dick Cheney. And that, my good friend, should be our style mantra... WWDCW: What Would Dick Cheney Wear?

You are right. Nothing's harder than being a neat freak facing spring cleaning. Big news! I've finally upgraded to getting a cleaning person. She's only come once, but I think it will work. It's a weird intimacy, but I am getting used to it.

-- Gay Guy

Bromance. Novel?

Straight Guy,

How timely. While I was getting my haircut today, I scanned Details magazine's 'Bromance' article. I'll give it some thought and report back.

By the way, Straight Guy, the foundation of my relationship with you is that, unlike the men in these articles, you add so little anxiety and drama to my life.

--Gay Guy

Isn't it Bromantic?

Seattle Times explains the "bromance" phenomenon.

There seems to be little worry about perceptions of homosexuality in a bromance filled with macho pursuits like drinking beer, watching sports and playing video games. But rifts can occur when serious girlfriends enter the picture or someone moves to another city.... Bromancers say they keep the spark alive by making an extra effort to see one another and keeping an open and honest communication.

I don't get it. I have guy friends, sure. But the second they need "extra effort" and "open communication," they are off the list.

--Straight Guy

Do you make the "extra effort?" Or have you seen a bromance in action? Comment here.

Thou Shall Not be Unproductive

The good and bad of actor Charlton Heston, who died April 5.

Good:

• Ben Hur: Who wouldn't love hearing a serious conversation about "ramming speed?"
  

Better:

• In 1961, Heston joined a picket line outside of a movie theater premiering one of his films because the theater enforced racial segregation in its seating. He also accompanied Martin Luther King Jr. to the March on Washington in 1963.

Bad:

• A 1997 speech: "Many homosexuals are hugely talented artists and executives... also dear friends. I don't despise their lifestyle, though I don't share it. As long as gay and lesbian Americans are as productive, law-abiding and private as the rest of us, I think America owes them absolute tolerance. It's the right thing to do. But on the other hand, I find my blood pressure rising when [U.S. President Bill] Clinton's cultural shock troops participate in homosexual-rights fund-raisers but boycott gun-rights fund-raisers... and then claim it's time to place homosexual men in tents with Boy Scouts, and suggest that sperm donor babies born into lesbian relationships are somehow better served and more loved."

Worst:

• Down right scary. (See vid below)
  

--Gay Guy

Reel Love

Straight Guy,

I’ve been thinking a lot about your recent post on the impact of movies during our formative years. I’m a little squeamish about admitting how long ago my formative years were, but here goes.

In 1979 I was bowled over by Breaking Away. First, the characters were my age; we were all preparing to go to college together. Second, it was all about being in between: in between high school and college, townie or college kid, your parents’ comfort zone or your own. It really hit home for me. Breaking Away was probably the first movie I saw that was about feeling different. There’s no gay/straight angle about the film, but it’s about being comfortable in your own skin. Put it on your NetFlix list.

My early adolescent movie habits forecast the trouble to come. I’d come home from school, watch the Merv Griffin show, then switch to the classic movies channel (I probably had to twist the TV’s rabbit ears to get enough reception). There they were -- the fabulous screwball comedies of the 1930s and 1940s, afternoon after afternoon. The Philadelphia Story, His Girl Friday, the list goes on. I fell head over heels for those women –Katherine Hepburn, Rosalind Russell, and all the others. They were smart, sassy, witty, fearless. They weren’t afraid of boundaries. I don’t remember the male leads; I think they were just a bunch of lovable dopes.

The movie from my early adolescence that whipped me into a frenzy was The Three Musketeers. I was 12, it starred Michael York, and I was smitten. It was lust, pure and simple. That’s when I knew. Michael York was my first celebrity crush. After Lassie, that is.

By the way, SG, who was your first celebrity crush?

--Gay Guy

Remember your first celebrity crush? Join the discussion here.

Strange Bedfellows

This might be the saddest thing I've ever seen.

FYI, I love how frisky the pillow is getting in the third photo.

Order now on Overstock.com

Go ahead and get more than one or two, GG. That way, every morning will be like waking up after the greatest party ever.

--Straight Guy

Three questions, Straight Guy:

• 1) Does it come in leather?
• 2) WHERE do you hide this when company comes over?
• 3) Is it too creepy if I add a wedding ring so that I can really hate myself in the morning?

--Gay Guy

How Gay is Your... ahem... Ride?

Here's a fun follow-up story to our February 2 post on how gay is your car.

--Gay Guy

Thanks, GG. I agree with all designations except the gay Volkswagon bus. I grew up in one and endured more than one cross-country trip. It died in our driveway and became a clubhouse of sorts. But it did have nice curtains, though. Oh, crap.

--Straight Guy