Things Straight Guy Hates Immediately: Ice Dancing Edition

Gay Guy,

Believe it or not, these are not a couple of wannabes from some half-assed local ice capades show. Meet Oksana Domnina and Maxim Shabalin, the Russian favorites to win gold in this year's Olympic ice dancing competition. I don't know them, or know very much about them, but I don't like them.

I came across a story about them in this morning's Washington Post. Seems there is some controversy about whether this Aboriginal-themed routine is culturally insensitive. Of course it is. Let's not look to ice dancers (Russian or not) for insight into the native cultures of faraway lands. My problem is that I can tell from a single photo that the routine is also offensive in terms of self-indulgence. These two don't really care about anything but the spotlight and the applause.

2nd proof point on tastelessness: A quick youtube search revealed that another routine of theirs is themed to The Matrix and performed in sunglasses and back plastic costumes under green spotlights. Ugh. Don't make me dig any deeper, please.

Yeah, I know I covered this ground in an earlier post on my hater's view of interpretive dance, and all the same rules and logic apply. I can easily avoid that in my normal day-to-day routine, but the annoying way NBC edits its Olympics telecast will probably force me to sit through a few of these routines. And I won't like it.

I understand that the topic (figure skating and ice dancing) can get me into some dangerous territory on gay/straight stereotypes. I'm sure some of our readers are fans. Don't get me wrong. I know it's not easy and the training is intense. I'm not advocating for the complete separation of art and athletics. And I'm certainly not beyond reproach on some of the outfits I slap together. But c'mon, if you're an elite skater trying to knock my socks off with gimmicks and outlandish attire rather than your stronger, higher, faster routine... think again. Let's keep the focus on athletics when a gold medal is at stake.

No one wants to see "Dockers On Ice," but is anyone really surprised that the over-the-top indulgence of ice dancing could lead to an aesthetic tragedy like this?

--Straight Guy

Too Much Soy Makes a Gay Boy

Straight Guy,

I have a good feeling that writing this post will be a blast for me.

Read this article about soy causing homosexuality. Read on, it'll all start to make a certain kind of sense. It's a three-year-old post found on WND.com, which is World Net Daily, but should be Wackadoo Net Daily.

Here's the synopsis: The author, Jim Rutz, makes the claim that increased consumption of soybean products is "feminizing." With soy you're getting substantial quantities of the female hormone estrogen, which, according to the author, is beating the crap out of guys' testosterone. Babies are most at risk, but be warned, my fellow grown men, tofu should take the blame for "suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your 'female side,' physically and mentally."

Thank you, Mr. Rutz, but somehow, I suspect the science could use a little tightening; I doubt it's up to NIH standards. I would follow a soy=Japan, Japan=kimono, kimono=drama queen's version of sweat pants argument, but that's as far as my rational mind will take me.

There's even worse news: Mr. Science also tells us that soy "decreases the size of the penis." Oh my, GG does acknowledge that this does warrant further study.

Repeat: I am NOT making this up.

Readers, I've never worked up much of a taste for soy milk, but SG looks at it with an expression usually reserved for a dirty diaper. Ages ago, SG and I were eating lunch in the office kitchen, where colleague found her soy milk had gone missing from the frig. "Who drank my soy milk?" she demanded. SG gave her a slow burn, the memory of which still makes me giggle.

The good news is that soy sauce is fine. No word yet on those packets of duck sauce.

--Gay Guy

Hardcore Punks: Noddin' Their Heads Like Yeah!

Gay Guy,

Just had to share this video with you. It's really a response to your Summer Lovin': Party In the Fire Island Pines post from last September.

Yes. Let's assume that the lipsyncers from your post are gay. Let's also assume that the dudes from this Atlanta hardcore rage/rap/rave event are not that gay, if at all. At least we can assume that they don't shop from the same catalogs. What does it prove?

Well, for one thing, Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" has an undeniable hook. When that second, fuzzy, electro baseline kicks in, everyone starts shaking booty. Yes, the lyrics are inane, but any more so than other pop essentials like "Hound Dog" or "Twist and Shout"?

Most importantly, there's something sincerely joyful about both videos. I'm not catching the scent of mockery or cynicism in either one. Hannah Montana is bridging the gay-straight divide!

Miley recently had to admit that, despite the lyrics, she couldn't name a single Jay-Z song. So, duh, the song is pure corporate product, straight from The Man. But so are the sugar cereals that I love so much. And I ain't giving up my Cocoa Pebbles, either.

When the hook catches you, prepare to get reeled in.

Readers, have I said too much?

--Straight Guy

The Basketball Diatribes

Readers,

Gay Guy and I went to a college basketball game over the weekend. We root for the same team (yes, yes, yes we do!) and have lucked into some nice seats over the years.

We were talking about the blog with one of our readers during the game (not a perk we can share very often) and he suggested that I put up a post about my numerous complaints. OK. But I really did have a good time. Just a few things I can't overlook...

(1) Men's basketball shorts are now officially ridiculous. They've gotten long (well below the knee!), droopy, and loose. Let me just say it: they wear like a skirt. Or is "culottes" the right word? Maybe I'm a crank, but how is that cool, exactly? And don't bore me with talk of "street cred." It's obviously a case of choosing form over function. True athletes care more about the game than about how they look when they play. I'm not advocating a return to the short-shorts of Dr. J and Larry Bird, but the current model will look just as silly with 20 years of perspective. But hey, if anyone can explain to me how the game is better played with the extra weight, drag, and distraction of the long shorts, then I'm all ears.

(2) The male cheerleaders are hopeless. Well, the ones we saw, anyway. I admit it's a tough spot... that they look like fools if they care too much and like idiots if they lazily phone it in. Look, if you only signed up for the squad to be around girls, that's not a bad decision. But when the lights go down and it's time to dance, you better effing dance your straight-boy heart out, or stay on the sidelines. Likewise, if you're there to put on a tumble and dance show, and could care less about boosting the girls up by their heinies, then you better seem concerned about the score, and appear to understand the game that makes this whole scenario possible. Just saying.

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy to Bigot: Interesting Word Choice with 'Back Door'

Straight Guy,

I love it when people do my work for me. Sadly, it never happens during the day -- 2010 has been a nightmare so far. But every so often, people who make me angry make fools of themselves before I can. It takes some of the fun out of my life, but it's validating.

Imagine my utter joy to read this recent Baltimore Sun article. Synopsis: Maryland State Delegate Emmett Burns introduced legislation to ban recognition of same-sex marriages performed in other states and countries. Burns is trying to beat potential pressure when neighboring District of Columbia's same-sex marriage law goes live in March.

The quote I love:

"The issue is knocking on our doors," Burns said. "People will be flying over here, wanting to force us to accept their marriage licenses."

"Our back door is open, and it needs to be closed."

Yeah, Dude, you might wanna squeeze up your back door before the newly minted homo couples turn up.

--Gay Guy

Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Wrangling Wild Animals

Gay Guy,

In America, Wrangler markets their jeans as authentic western wear for hard working regular guys... one step up from Carhartt and Dickies. Brett Favre is their spokesman and that's about as edgy as they are going to get. Slogan: "You Can Count on Wrangler." They sell best to the Cabela's and NASCAR demographic, so you won't find many pairs of them at Coachella or Burning Man.

In Europe, it's the opposite, they are trying to brand Wranglers as an edgy option for the hipster crowd. No rules and anything goes. The perfect choice for an all night rave or IMF protest. Slogan: "We Are Animals."

Yeah. That dude in the ad above REALLY likes his Wranglers. Kinky.

So. What are you Wrangler? Straight and conservative? Or, primal and provocative?

Or, are you just trying to bridge the gap between right wingers and anarchists? Good luck with that.

Readers, thoughts?

--Straight Guy

Gay/Straight Update: Onion Outs Fundamentalist Teen

Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian

"I don't know what's happening to me," Faber admitted to reporters Monday. "It's like I get these weird urges sometimes, and suddenly I'm tempted to go behind my friends' backs and attend a megachurch service, or censor books in the school library in some way. Even just the thought of organizing a CD-burning turns me on."...

"It's like I don't even know who I am anymore," the frightened teenager said. "Keeping this secret obsession with radical right-wing dogma hidden away from my parents, teachers, and schoolmates is tearing me apart."

Full story here.

--Straight Guy

Naked Truth

Straight Guy,

Here's an interesting opinion piece from today's Washington Post about Scott Brown's victory in yesterday's special election to fill the Massachusetts senate seat held by the late Ted Kennedy.

As you and everyone else learned this winter, Brown modeled his way through college -- successfully I would add, considering he was Cosmo's "America's Sexiest Man," centerfold staple and all, in 1982. If you haven't gotten your fill of the photo, here it is. (Nice wrist, Scott.)

The Post article questions whether it would be fine if Brown's challenger Martha Coakley had nearly naked photos floating around. Probably not, says the Post, just stating what we all already know.

Not gay, not straight, but we talk a lot of stereotypes and gender roles here, so it's interesting.

--Gay Guy

Sweet Video Clip

Straight Guy,

A friend forwarded me this clip. It's two of her friends appearing on "Date Nights D.C." (Click on "Craig and Jack" if it doesn't land on their segment automatically.)

As you'll see, Jack and Craig are celebrating their 25th anniversary and reminisce about meeting at the National Gallery of Art on the Mall in D.C.

Their interaction is so like that of most married couples. The way they finish sentences for each other, either patiently or not. They way their humor plays off each other. It's a nice clip.

They both got lots more than Thanksgiving leftovers out of that first date.

--Gay Guy

Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Enjoy Your Nature

Gay Guy,

I think straight guys' fascination with lesbians (or the hint of girl/girl action) is unique in the animal kingdom. I just can't imagine that there are bulls in the pasture who would thrill at the thought of two heifers getting it on. It really is an abstraction that's hard to defend.

These commercials aren't wrong, exactly, just idiotic. And homophobic? Does "It's different" mean "It's wrong"?

Of course, no one is interested seeing two schlubby dudes dance awkwardly or oil each other up. But I'm sure there is an audience for the guy/guy dynamic if it's cast correctly. Oceans 11 - 13 anyone?

Maybe there are some straight women who could be entertained (and marketed to) with a little bromantic teasing. "Will they or won't they?!?" I just don't think there's the same intensity when the equation is flipped. Please let us know.

Any sociologists out there who can dig a little deeper on this?

Any new readers who missed the GG/SG discussion on the Girls Gone Wild double standard (girls allowed to experiment, guys labeled forever) can check out these earlier posts. Link. Link.

--Straight Guy

Battle of the Gays?

Straight Guy,

I am slowly getting my 2010 act together. I've been in something of a slumber. One of the ways my lethargy shows up is that I've been in a news black out. I have almost no idea of what's going on in the world. The woman in the next office shrieked when she read that Sarah Palin is going into the news business . . . well, Fox . . . otherwise I'd be clueless there, too.

So, a friend forwarded me "Big Gay Battle," with a "What, no post?" Afterelton.com had, behind my back!, run Gay/Bisexual Man of the Decade. The winner: Neil Patrick Harris shoved his closest competitor, John Barrowman, off the award podium by a mile. (SG: Do you even know who John Barrowman is? Singer, dancer, actor.)

I'm unclear about what's the criteria for being Gay Man of the Decade, nor what the prize is. Sounds like a lot of pressure.

Anyway, how does Neil Patrick Harris sit with you? Who else might you had voted for?

--Gay Guy

Gay/Straight Hall of Shame: Creatures Stirring and Laying Pipe

My favorite headlines of recent days:

• "Drunk Four Year Old Steals Christmas Presents"

It's a story of a wayward boy found wandering his neighborhood at 2 a.m Christmas morning, blotto on pilfered beer and wearing a stolen dress. All while his parents were nestled snug in their beds (at home and in prison, of course). I've always been more concerned about locking strangers out, not so much about keeping my kids in. Cut the kid some slack, but please tell me there's a long-term "watch list" for 4 year olds who show a proclivity for breaking and entering. The cross dressing will work itself out one way or another.

• "Man Cut Free After Getting Penis Stuck in Steel Pipe"

Eight firefighters come to the rescue of a trapped penis. No, I'm not talking about a new title in your neighborhood video store, GG. Besides, no one could sit through a reenactment of the moment when they start hacking away at the pipe with a 4 inch circular saw. Yowza. Here's a quote: "The man, in his 30s, offered no explanation for his predicament but was said to be 'quite concerned and anxious.'" No explanation needed, thanks. If you're that lonely, freaky, and bored, I dare you to take it to the next level and rondezvous with a section of frozen pipe, a la "A Christmas Story"... just not at the school playground, OK?

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy Catches Up: The Post That Wasn't

Straight Guy,

Happy New Year! And, readers, Happy 2010 to you. I needed the end-of-year down time. Now back to "normal" and to blogging with resolve!

I'm always collecting articles to comment on, but I often run out of time or steam before they get posted. Here's something I had in the pipeline a month ago. Better late than never? Look for some more during the week.

SG, this story is right up your tech alley. Last November, BioWare released Dragon Age, a new video role-playing game for Play Station and Xbox. So far, so geek. If you choose to play as a male, you can have a romantic liaison with a male elf, Zevran. Hot!

Read the December New York Times story about the game.

Of course, conservatives got all cranked up about teen gaming guys getting it on with Zevran. Not because Zavran is an elf . . not that there's anything wrong with that . . . but because he's gay. Dragon Age, welcome to the culture wars.

The Q&A with Mike Laidlow the game's lead desinger, is a good read. My favorite quote: "Among the tools that we have as storytellers, I see romance as being one of the principal ones."

--Gay Guy

Gay/Straight TV Watch: Meat and Greet

"Five Women, Thirty Men... One Conveyor Belt."

This is happening. Tonight. Sorry for the late notice, but I've been focused on distracting details -- like family, charity, peace on earth, and the brotherhood of man -- for last couple of weeks.

"Conveyor Belt of Love" debuts on ABC tonight. It's a dating show where the men are filed by on a conveyor belt and the women can make their pick. Yes. Just like a sushi restaurant. They can even put one back on the belt if they spy something that might be better.

The show only runs once, but bet on it becoming a series if it gets decent numbers. To launch the concept, it would only work in this direction (men=meat), right? Maybe long-term, after they've ridiculed a boatload of guys, they can flip it. This version is ridiculous and trashy, sure, but a conveyor belt of women to be picked and discarded at the whim of shallow dudes (do not argue this point), seems more than wrong, right?

But maybe it's just the classic "Dating Game" on crack.

One interesting detail, one of the male "selections" was recently discovered to have a past career in gay porn. Oops, but I don't know how much porn research we can expect from the network screeners. Bottom line on the faker: That's not just deceptive, that's cheating. (Stereotype alert!) Gay guys generally make a better first impression. Ladies have to LEARN to love a base-model straight guy. It took mine years to see past my mess, I wouldn't have stood a chance in 60 seconds.

Anyway, readers, it raises the questions... Do you believe that first impressions are usually right? Or believe in love at first sight? Or, are you reaching for the Purell just based on conveyor belt concept?

--Straight Guy