Celebrity Faces... the Worst of the Best!

Fire Bad! Botox Good!

Based on serious research involving interviewing TWO Beverly Hills plastic surgeons, Star Magazine has come up with these amalgams of best features for men and women. Here's a quote:

What happens when you combine 007 Daniel Craig's baby blue eyes, Leonardo DiCaprio's nose and Matt Damon's lips?...

But is the end result — which also added Christian Bale's jaw and John Stamos' hair — all that good-looking?

As for the female morph, it's Katie Holmes' eyes, Katherine Heigl's nose, Keira Knightley's cheeks, Jessica Simpson's long blonde hair and — not surprisingly — Angelina Jolie's lips, "People want fullness, they want that pout," says Dr. Fleming...

Full story here.

I don't know, GG. No winners here. The whole is less than the sum of the parts. Would you rearrange Daniel Craig if you could?

--Straight Guy

Thinking about stealing any celebrity features?
Join the discussion here.

Valentine's Day Exit Poll

Straight Guy,

So, what's the straight take on Valentine's Day? Crass commercial imposition? Guilty pleasure? It seems to me that it's like New Year's: everyone says the occasion doesn't really matter to them, yet it sustains a multi-million dollar industry. If people can take it or leave it, why all those flowers being delivered to work today? (Note to self--track down who received the Vera Wang Flowers arrangement.)

My days as a Valentine's Day player were doubtless in elementary school. A flaming magenta Snoopy card sticks out in my memory, but whether I gave it or received it is long forgotten. Two decades later, a boyfriend made dinner, laid an elegant table, and placed a red rose beside my plate. The next year he didn't bother to mention the day. No surprise where our relationship ended. A few years later, I remember bringing flowers on a date with a PNB (potential new boyfriend). The interest wilted first. Flowers can be terrifiying.

So, do straight men take any pleasure from the day or is it one more chore? At least we can all be spared jewelry commercials until Christmas.

--Gay Guy

Straight Same Sex Sleepovers?

Another anonymous question for the GG/SG team...

Several years ago, boyfriend "Maurice" broke up with me because I found it odd that Maurice's roommate "Clive" was sleeping in M's bed with him. Clive had been dumped by his girlfriend ("Anne"?) and was sleeping in M's bed because he was "lonely and sad." Both are now married -- Clive, to Anne, and Maurice, to the boyish girl he met after me. Straight, or living lives of quiet desperation? I've just always wondered and hoped for their sake it's the former.

"Can I sleep with you tonight? I'm lonely and sad." Ick. "Can we just cuddle?" Double ick.

When a close male friend --gay or straight-- gets lonely and sad, I try to be a good friend. I listen, quietly pass the tissues, and give a reassuring hug. If he needs company to get through the night, he gets the bed... and I'll take the sofa. We listen, we talk. A suggestion that we get under the covers means that one of us is trying to lay the foundation for more.

Check "quiet desperation." If there is a box for "uncreative" check twice.

--Gay Guy

Straight guys do not have sleepovers with their crew when they get dumped. We do not nurse each other back into emotional health.

We get self-destructive.

The more emotionally-scarred or recently-dumped guys gather together, the worse it gets. In an effort to counter-correct our failures, we encourage "Alpha" behavior, lower our standards (for ourselves and potential mates), and the spiral continues. Hey, wasn't I talking about my prom a few posts ago?

They might not be gay, but I bet Maurice's boyish wife is the undisputed Alpha... and he likes it that way.

--Straight Guy

Men Prefer TV to Sex

Not tonight, honey. I'm watching a show about headaches.

More British "research"... The survey doesn't specify, but these are probably straight guys.

Nearly half of British men surveyed would give up sex for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV, a survey -- perhaps unsurprisingly carried out for a firm selling televisions -- said on Friday.

Electrical retailer Comet surveyed 2,000 Britons, asking them what they would give up for a large television, one of the latest consumer "must-haves".

Full story from ReutersUK here.

Gay Guy, to give you a cultural reference point, this is like Sophie's Choice for a straight guy.

--Straight Guy

Would you give up "giving it up"? Join the discussion here.

Paul Lynde-isms

Mentioned him in my last post. There's a whole site, but had to share a few Hollywood Squares moments.

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body – what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose"cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Paul Lynde: I don't have a third choice�?

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of a diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover?
Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!

--Straight Guy

Gay Humor... Lauging At or Laughing With

Gay Guy,

Help me out here. I was watching Best in Show the other day and was laughing at many funny bits involving the gay characters. Credit to the filmmakers that the gay couple was by far the most stable in the film. But a few times I'm pretty sure I was laughing "at," not laughing "with."

What are your limits? I was raised on the game show humor of Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly, so I guess I always thought that all gays shared that sort of campy humor, and were naturally funnier than the rest of us. Three's Company had a lot a gay humor, but only fake gay characters. I'll even admit that I laughed at the In Living Color Men on Films series, which I would have to guess was not created by gay writers. Does it matter if the jokes come from my team or yours?

Just trying to be a responsible friend here. I also have a few Eminem albums, and there was a lot of anti-gay controversy about him, too. But he performed with Elton John, so I assume all is well there. But let's not make Elton John duets my permanent benchmark, OK?

Here's a deleted Best in Show scene with a little more edge:


--Straight Guy

Where is Gay Guy?

Gay Guy is on vacation for a few days. Can you guess where he is? Take the poll in the right column...

We'll get the blog back to speed ASAP.

--Straight Guy

Get Your Bowl On

Incredibly last-second, but helpful Super Bowl info.

--Gay Guy

Best Friends or Brokeback Buddies?

Another reader needs help. She asks...

Hi guys. I need a male opinion...gay and straight. An old boyfriend of mine met a guy while in the airport (I know....so Larry Craig). They are now best friends and talk at least daily on the phone. They have also gone on several trips together. They are both married. What do you think? Gay or Straight?

The one thing that stands out in this scenario are the daily phone calls. The best thing about my straight male friends is that we are under no obligation to call, remember birthdays, or, honestly, to care overly much about the details of each others lives. I can't imagine having enough pertinent information to pass along on a daily basis to a long-distance friend.

--Straight Guy

Straight Guy and I are in agreement here. Let the straight male stereotype be your guide.

Male-male new buddy weekends don't warrant attention if they are to:

• Las Vegas, as long as it's for gambling.
• Any major sporting event, especially if it's what ever the sports version of season finale is, you know, World Series, NCAA Final Four, Super Bowl
• NASCAR anything
• Bachelor Party Weekends (Trust me, there's no sex of any kind going on at those weekends, just crushing boredom.)

Worthy of a subtle follow-up question or two:

• Consumer Electronic Show (Ouch! Sorry, Straight Guy.... I'm not judging.... )
• With the exception of Bruce Springsteen, out of town concerts. This includes Death Maiden.
• Any event that involves bringing home an autograph.

Straight Guy and I are as one on the daily phone call. I'd dig around some on that one. Straight guys are genetically designed to resist the sense of detail it takes to sustain that much contact.

But, first let's put on "The Man that Got Away" and talk about why you're so interested in what your now-married ex-boyfriend is up to. I've been there.

--Gay Guy

Gay Cars, Straight Cars, Cars on the Down Low

The questions keep rolling in... Here's one from "Automotively Perplexed,"

As I was driving home the other day, I was almost the victim of an aggressive driver. It wasn't the driving that held my attention -- it was rush hour after all and he could have had a bad day. But it was his car. What is with the ridiculously masculine Dodge Magnum? Even the name drips testosterone. So, I thought of you two. What are gay cars? Maybe the MiniCooper? A hybrid? My gay friends like an SUV just as much as the next guy/girl/hermaphrodite. Some quick research found this: gaywheels.com link, but are these really gay cars? I'm stumped on this one.

Automotively Perplexed is correct. The Mini Cooper is most definitely a gay car: It's stylish, trim, is rarely seen with children, and tends to draw a second look when spotted more than 50 miles outside of city limits.

I hesitate to say much about cars and what they reveal about their drivers. I could never work up a lot of interest in cars. This was problematic growing up. It was my father's belief that the only thing more conversation-worthy than a good car was a bad car. (I carry on his belief in my own gay way: The only thing more conversation-worthy than a good night at the theater is a bad night at the theater.)

Car names? Now, that's interesting stuff. It's true: Durango=Straight, Cruiser=Gay, Sonata=Questioning.

--Gay Guy

I once rented a car for a business trip and ended up with a Dodge Magnum. I think it was a free upgrade, if you must know. But I will admit that I felt a hormonal surge when I tested it's pickup on the highway. I also happen to know that the Magnum also comes in a HEMI V8 station wagon model. That kinda takes the masculine edge off, I think. Who are they appealing to? Superhero soccer moms?

The only car I ever absolutely knew was gay was the Volkswagon Cabriolet. C'mon, if your car ends on an "olé" sound, it's gay. If it was named the Dodge Magnolet, you'd have the same problem. Now that I think of it, don't we always refer to cars, boats, and other vehicles in the feminine? As in, "She'll do 0-60 in ..."

I don't have a lot of street cred in this regard though. I once picked up a prom date in a Pontiac Parisienne. Thanks, Mom.

--Straight Guy