Gaydar is Real Hilarious

From the Daily Show archives...

Please tell me I'm not evil for laughing at this poor guy.

--Straight Guy

You Ask, We Answer

A "long-time" reader (hah!) with the handle "Straight but not Narrow" posed the following:
My question here is about items and activities I wonder have an air of gay about them. Not totally straight not totally gay. Can straight guy/gay guy help me on the following:

Vanity Fair. Gay or Straight? Why do I more often than not have to keep it folded with the cover concealled in public places?

Bowling: I love the feel of crushing ten pins with 15 lbs of reactive resin but then there is the immasculating display in the form of that wierd dance that so many people do to make a 4 - 10 split. That seems pretty gay to me.

Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant: Guilty pleasure or gay? The Chachi can't be gay but there's a lot of whining about finding love and starting a family.

Let me take these one by one.

First, you are appropriately confused about Vanity Fair magazine. As far as I know, Madonna has never made a move without letting them have the exclusive. That's a big indicator of gayness. On the other hand, this month's issue provides a preview of the upcoming Indiana Jones movie. The 12-year-old me idolized that character as a masculine role-model, so let's call it straight.

(Side note: I know that I speak for Gay Guy in saying that if VF has any interest in making GG/SG a regular feature, our bags are packed. We are a perfect fit.)

Second, let's talk about the bowling dance. Look no further than Fred Flintstone for assurance of straightness. As he demonstrated, it doesn't matter if you pliƩ, waltz, or vogue your way to the line... if you can drop the pins, no one will make an issue of your orientation.

Have to subtract one point for your Scott Baio question, though. Formal etiquette dictates that it is proper to address Arthur Fonzarelli as "The Fonz." Sadly, Chachi Arcola never even came close to earning the honorific of being addressed as "The Chachi." On the positive side, Scott Baio is Pregant is by far the least insulting of the straight but skanky lineup on VH1 right now (Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, My Fair Brady, etc.).

So, Not Narrow, unless GG has any objections, my assessment is that you are safely straight. We all have guilty pleasures, but we don't have to question our sexuality because of them.

If we did, I'd be most worried about the fact that I've made three Wizard of Oz references on this blog already. (See Flying Monkeys, There's no Place Like..., and Wicked Witch.)

Thanks for the question. Can we help anyone else?

--Straight Guy

Jane Austen... Without Apologies

Straight Guy,

I want to circle back to the January 14 post about PBS' first episode of "The Complete Jane Austen" vs. Terminator Chronicles. This post has drawn a lot of comments, so it strikes a chord.

(I tuned in to the second Austen installment, which was not as good as the first, but still fun.)

Obviously, I'm the Jane Austen side of this Sunday Night Smack Down. No question there. And, no apologies.

It makes me remember a funny interchange a few years ago. I had just started a new job, so new people to meet and a new audience to come out to. (Coming out is almost never a one-time-only event.)

I came out to male colleague who also turned out to be gay. He told me he had already figured it out. I wasn't particularly surprised, but I asked what was the tip off? "You told us what you did over the weekend," he said. "You said you went to the house and garden show.... and you didn't apologize." Well, no, I wasn't dragged there.

If the house and garden show is gay, what's straight, the auto show? Since we are trying to bridge the gay/straight divide here, I'll meet you at the boat show, Straight Guy.

--Gay Guy

Cleanin' up and gettin' down

Straight Guy,

I'm amused by the results of a study about relationships reported earlier this week, which says:
"Same-sex relationships may be healthier than straight ones... because couples in same-sex relationships were more flexible in terms of gender roles, parenting, and household responsibilities."

The researchers concluded that
"heterosexual couples could learn from gay couples about sharing housework... "

Read a news brief on the study.

"Sharing housework?"

I don't know the couples the researchers studied, but it wasn't any one I know, gay or straight. What couple shares housework (at least in a way that makes them both happy)? Fighting about housework keeps couples counseling in business.

Don't subscribe to the stereotype that two gay men equals one tidy home. I've never known a neat freak to fall in love with a man who wasn't messy.

My longing for the disinfected ties that bind are perfectly summed up in the lyrics of the B'52s song "Housework."

Who wears the rubber gloves in your house, Straight Guy?

--Gay Guy

Duck for Cover! It's a Gay Guy Drive-By!

Great responses, Gay Guy,

Of course everyone who connects to the blog is an excellent driver. Uh-huh. Sure. Great job.

I'm a straight, aggressive driver who is at least honest enough to admit that I'm not above average.

I cringe at the idea that straight guys are predisposed to road rage, though. It happens to me from time to time, sure. But I've also seen GG criticize pedestrian outfits and hairstyles on the fly, too. And not without a disdain that can border on rage, I might add.

But look, everyone seems to think that road rage is a problem in and of itself. But isn't it more like the terrorist threat, where we've come to learn that's its perhaps more important to learn why they hate us than it is to fight the after effects of their hatred? Could straight guys, who are now proven to know where they are headed better than most, be more easily frustrated by every obstruction in their way? Happens to me all the time. I may drive aggressively sometimes, but if I do, it's because I'm seeing directional miscues, wasted capacity, or lots of safe-but-selfish-driving.

At any rate, time for a new topic, Gay Guy.

--Straight Guy

More Good Drivers Accounted For

Straight Guy,

En garde!

Are straight men genetically predisposed to be better drivers than gay men, as a recent British study suggests? Another gay friend weighs in:

"What a bunch of crap. I can drive circles around any straight guy. I'm a great driver.

I had no idea driving was so competetive. I think my testosterone is a quart low.

--Gay Guy

Good Driving Abounds

I polled a few friends. Male, female, gay, straight. It's all the same. Here they are:

1) “I am an EXCELLENT driver. You have driven with me many times. I do not drive with white knuckles, nor do my passengers; I can parallel park on a dime; I can use the speed of my car to maximum capacity."

2) “I quote Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man -- I am an excellent driver.”

3) “Seriously, I am an excellent driver! Much better than my husband. He's a much better map-and-directions-reader than I am, but I'm much better at actual driving: changing lanes, noticing objects around me, remembering where I am in relation to where I was. So I'd say we split the spatial-relations/navigation abilities. That said, whenever we go on long trips he insists on driving. This means I'm navigating...which means we're each doing the thing we're less good at.”

Gay Guy's Study Proves that Good Driving Skills Bridge Genetic and Cultural Divide

Straight Guy,

Interesting research, but I can’t tell you how hard it is to get serious when anything having to do with gay men is in the same sentence as both ‘Queen’ and ‘Mary.’ I’m sure there was a London Telegraph copy editor chuckling as that issue went live. (If you don’t know why this is funny, e-mail me for a tutorial.)

I polled some friends to see what they thought of the study. The results: All my friends are good drivers. Excellent drivers, in fact. They had no reaction at all to the study’s conclusions about women, gay men, and the brain’s spatial wiring. They just really want me to know that they are good drivers.

While theoretically this should make me feel safer, even my poor math skills tell me that most of us are average drivers. It’s just math, right? Most of us are going to be in the middle of the curve. Why are none of my friend able to come out to me about their average skills behind the wheel? After all, these are all friends who have shared with me the darkest moments of their lives: marital strife, self doubt, spiritual crisis, the prom. I guess all things in life go down easier if you’ re good at parallel parking.

I, too, am a good driver. I have irrefutable evidence: Last week my dad let me drive his brand- new car.

--Gay Guy

Can Gays Drive Straight?

New research just came in yesterday. Bad news for you, Gay Guy.

Women and gay men are likely to be the worst drivers, a new study has shown.

Research has revealed that both perform poorly in tasks involving navigation and spatial awareness when compared to heterosexual men.

Psychologists at Queen Mary, University of London, who conducted the study, believe the findings mean driving in a strange environment would be more difficult for gay men and women than for straight male motorists.

Full story from the London Telegraph, here.

Does this mean I can get a better insurance rate?

What do you think? Let us know.

--Straight Guy

Where'd You Learn That? Gay Academy?

This is an excellent Washington Post magazine article about Gary Trudeau from 2006.

--Gay Guy

Doonesbury Gay/Straight Storyline

Trudeau has B.D. (straight) visiting Mark (gay) for a few days, and it's got both of them out of their comfort zones. Not sure how long the story line will run, but seems to begin here.

--Straight Guy, Learn to Love It

Hello Everyone,

Thanks to all of you who have been helping us test our blog. We're now in possession of the domain, so we're even easier to find. If your friends happen to be gay or straight, please let them know. We'd like the site to be much more interactive, and we'll keep adding features to get you involved.

If you're new to this blog or blogs in general (Hi, Gay Mom and Straight Mom!), please start at the bottom (Nov 07) and work your way up to the top. Blogs work backwards that way. But if you check once a day or every few days, the newest stuff will always be at the top.

We have big plans for the upcoming year. We hope you'll stick around. And, hey, if you have any questions or suggestions, please let us know. You can e-mail anytime: Or, leave an anonymous comment to any post, we like a little mystery sometimes.

So far, we've found that we agree on a surprising lot, actually. Some of our readers were hoping that this would be more of a debate, hotly contested from both extremes. Expecting perhaps Sean Connery debating Elton John on whether to serve venison tartar or tea and cakes.

That's not us. Gay Guy can't sing and I've never met Ursula Andress.

Thanks again,

--Straight Guy

UPDATE: The straight/gay stereotypes rarely hold up... I was quickly notified that Elton John was once in a straight marriage (yikes!) and Sean Connery once did this (triple man-boot yikes!)...

2007 Gay/Straight Story of the Year: Larry Craig -- Tapping Into the Inner Truth

Straight Guy,

You straights can keep Larry Craig, cover boy for our Gay/Straight Story of the Year. He's one of yours. As he's so happy to remind us all.

I know that the thrill of being caught in a sexual act is a turn on for folks, both gay and straight, male and female. And, if you're a closeted man, a public restroom might seem like a logical place to try to get your groove thing on. But I just can't connect the dots. Every sexual act or fantasy I've ever had has involved getting more comfortable, not less. I can't imagine myself spreading out, any part of me not fully clothed, on a tile floor that, if I was lucky, had fairly recently had a dirty mop dripping with filthy water slopped over it. Am I supposed to fluff up an industrial-size pack of toilet paper rolls from the custodian's closet to make a pillow?

The part of my imagination that gets stirred up by the sexual possibilities of the men's room are completely practical in nature. How old are those telephone numbers? Are they even from this decade? If I call one, will I further anger some angry woman in a terrycloth robe and curlers? If I connect with the voice on the other end of the phone, I am walking into a bashing or public humiliation? How can anyone write so small and so neatly to leave a legible telephone number in grouting? And, what the hell kind of tools does someone use to make a 3-inch-diameter hole in a granite slab between two stalls? Didn't anyone in the library think the noise was kind of suspicious?

Mostly, I can't figure out why someone with as many frequent flier miles as Craig surely must have had to use the public men's room at the airport. Isn't there some kind of nice little club with a bar, those cute little round soaps, and real hand towels?

Truth be told, I've felt a bit sorry for old Larry and his (apologies to Tony Orlando and Dawn) knock-three-times-on-the-stall-wall-if-you-want-me internal havoc. He really a victim of over-zealous prosecution, right? I mean he didn't touch anyone. He didn't show any of his parts -- save finger tips. And, he found out just how nasty his fellow Republicans can be. Stripped of his committee, slammed with ethics charges.

But just when I am tempted to have some compassion for Craig and his family, I make myself remember his voting record, his wide stance of humanity: "Yes" to a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, "No" to expanding hate crimes to include sexual orientation, "No" to protecting job discrimination by sexual orientation. He built the gap that he fell in to. He built the stall wall.

Mr. Craig, tear down this wall! And, but as Tony Orlando and Dawn sang: Only in my dreams did that wall between us come apart ... Knock three times!!

--Gay Guy

Gay Guy / Straight Guy Archive